Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

If the city is beautiful, do your own solo activities. Send her a text tell her you came on this trip because she needed a companion but as she has been moody and decided to leave you midway, to avoid further tension, you are planning of making the best of situation for yourself, so you will be going on activities on your own.

I do feel for you BUT stop pandering to her. She’s an adult not a toddler and she’s treating you with the upmost disrespect.

Stop trying to appeal to her better nature it is not working, and she’s using it to give you a good kicking.

Tell her calmly and kindly that if she’s not ready by 10 am or whatever time, you will be leaving to go on the planned trip. AND GO.

There’s a lot of good advice on here. You should take it to break this awful cycle you are in where she is very negatively calling all the shots and thoroughly disrespecting your kindness.

Was she always like this? She seems to be devoid of any empathy or care for you?

Also, in other post you asked if you should go look for her as she might want you to do that, please don’t do this. This will spoil her further. How will she maintain any relationship like this?

This.
I was about to write well done on having the chat and making up and I thought Good for OP.. progress!

Then she immediately started on the "later" nonsense,
and then left you sitting there watching the clock ticking until it was too late to go out
There is no dealing with her.. You had almost resolved something agreeable and then she wound it back again immediately. You have the patience of a saint.

So I think you may as well please yourself.
No more asking her what she wants to do or eat or when she wants to do something. She either does it or she doesn't - up to her.

You decide what's best way to get through the next few days. Solo.
Then inform her "I am driving to x, are you coming or not."
If she accompanies you well and good but I bet she won't in which case it's a cheery "OK see you later then, I'll be back at x oclock." Ignore her, not in a cold shoulder sort of way but just stop asking her anything.
No more waiting on her. Just no.

It sounds as though your daughter is very controlling and is using her moods to prevent you doing anything.

With op pandering so much, I doubt her dd is going to grow up anytime soon.

Op is trying to get support on dealing with her during this holiday. You want her to write a list of praises for her dd?

People keep telling you to ignore her and do your own thing, but you persist in centering everything around her. Stop making her responsible for whether you have a good time or not. She's already irritated by you and that kind of pressure is just going to wind her up more.

I don't know what's going on in your daughter's head because I don't know her. You don't seem to know either. You seem completely focused on what she's doing and how much it's upsetting you, but without any real curiosity about why she's doing it? I mean, it's completely fine not to care about why she's being obnoxious, but in that case maybe also stop caring so much about the obnoxiousness.

For anyone who asked, I understand that asking her to add to the trolley was weird, it just comes out of my mouth I didn’t mean it to be patronising. She was just trailing along behind me not doing anything, so I automatically just said hey anything you want to add in? This all looks nice kind stuff of thing

I am only waiting around for her as she doesn’t tell me anything, she never told me she was going to abandon me, she just walked off, I waited around for 10 mins on a bench then called her to ask where she was, no answer, then text her she was like I’ve gone off on my own, I then saw her come along to where I was later. And sit far away from me. I invited her to sit with me, she said no

She then walked past me to leave the area without saying anything, so I went after her but couldn’t find her. I then gave up and went back to the apartment for lunch. I then went and did an activity and invited her to come do this with me, she gave me a vague non answer. I waited over an hour for her she never came, At this point I lost my shit

We then got home and she went to her room and I asked if she was planning to come down, she said yes later. Then never appeared.

However we have now had a discussion (row) where she got upset and I ended up backing down a bit to keep the peace. I think she’s out of her depth sometimes. She is calmer and being more polite so far and I am less annoyed. I’m going to try very hard to keep things on an even keel and make the most of the days we have left of our trip.

and just never come away with her again!

You backed down to keep the peace? Seeing why and how she turned out so unpleasant!

I had a lot of questions

DD chose the location where we are now. It’s a bucket list place for her

she is upset she can’t drive the car as she hasn’t had her license long enough (just under 2y) so it really is mum/daughter dynamic and I think she is disappointed and resentful as she wanted her first try at EU driving

DD mostly eats beige food, so I always knew it wasn’t going to be a foodie restaurant trip. That’s why we booked self catering. The apartment was very expensive due to the location and the view so I was expecting to eat pasta/bread anyway. It only has a hob and a microwave, no oven

We did go out in the city before, but she wanted a burger/pizza. so we could go eat cheapy fast food here, but I would rather not, I can make something healthier indoors.

But I ate crisps as I CBA to cook and clean after a stressful day but I intend to get something nicer from the supermarket today for this evening.

At home she works hard and a lot of hours so we don’t always spend that much time together (shift work)

but she has had a past history as a bed rotter

but when she wanted to book an activity trip I assumed she had grown out of that somewhat, but habits die hard don’t they

She has little awareness of how her communication skills affect others and doesn’t like me explaining it to her. She was a very shy child and I did over compensate for her whilst trying to build up her confidence.

She is actually very sweet and fun to be around if she’s in the right mood. It’s just I don’t know when that version will be back

I just stopped being so angry it was making it worse. There was no point me going on and on at her it wasn’t helping.

I’m sorry for you. It’s not your fault and she sounds so difficult. At least you’ll be going home soon!

On a smaller point - at 22 she can’t drive a hire car anyway as she’s too young. From memory, most companies need to a driver to be 25; for some, I think it’s 30. You need to mention that to her if it comes up again.

She sounds like a child because she can’t drive . Surely she would have checked the terms and conditions of the hire car before she went to that country . Or any country she wants to visit . She should be grateful that you are driving her around. I really can’t get my head around her attitude.

She's being completely disrespectful to you OP and there's absolutely no excuse for it. I go on holiday with my mum and she can be a bit annoying but I would never treat her this way.
Stand up to her and refuse to put up with her shit any longer. Do your own thing - go out and enjoy yourself as best you can and leave her to it. Tell her this is the last time you go away with her. She sounds like a spoilt brat!

She does sound as if something fundamental is lacking in her self awareness, social skills, or something. I’m assuming that this treatment/behaviour is reserved just for you, as she has a job etc at home?

Your DD sounds like she really needs to grow up and work on herself. I think she gives you answers that she thinks you want to hear ‘yes, I’ll come down’ but doesn’t mean. She obviously hadn’t developed the skills to know how to deal with feeling overwhelmed or emotional, I don’t think she knows what she actually wants or needs let alone is able to communicate them. She probably needs some counselling, otherwise she’s never going to be able to form meaningful relationships.

It really sounds like you have both fell in to your automatic roles and have not realised.
You the mother who feels the need to prompt and check which when a child becomes an adult just comes across as irritating and patronising.
And your daughter has reverted to the snappy self centred child/teen who cant see how they are behaving.
Both feel they are correct and both dont mean to be doing it intentionally.
I definitely have to stop myself from telling my mum to stop treating me like a child. Which then automatically makes me sound snappy.

I can only go by what you say in your post as I don't know her but she might have autism
Has she always been like this ? Either way something is going on with her. Leaving her is last thing you should do especially as you don't know if she is going through something

Yes this is definitely a possibility. That’s why I’m not sure that “having it out with her” is a good idea. Not while they’re away from home at least.
But it’s clearly not normal behaviour. I think the suggestion that @Holidaymiserymum should continue the “new day” plan and tell her DD what she’s planning for herself is a good one.

If that doesn’t work (and it may not) she needs to decide for herself if this is so out of character that there’s something serious going on, and possibly try to get them both home, or whether it’s just nasty behaviour, treating her mum as a doormat. I find it hard to believe - though as some other posters seem to think it’s normal for them too, I could be wrong.

Or she might simply be self centred and rude.
Why do posters always excuse bad behaviours with ‘autism’ so often?
OP I hope you can enjoy the last few days of your holiday.

Could be but hard to tell really by what's written. I mean going to bed at 7pm... is quite odd them waking up late at 22 unless you mean just going to her room but if she's going to bed that early. Sounds like she has something going on. Unless she's always slept 12hrs or more per night and generally doesn't have conversations with you then it suggests something behavioural

I don't know if anyone else has asked this and I have never asked.it of anyone before, does she have mental issues? Her behaviour would suggest she might. Most 20 year olds do not behave in this childish manner.

Why is it weird to ask her to add to the supermarket trolley? If my son shops with me, I always say that if there is anything he wants or fancies to just put it in the trolley.