Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

Right. It's the intentionality that gets me. She didn't flare up, or have a bit of a swipe or have a bad day, then return to decent behaviour, the young woman is going out of her way to be awful to her mother, repeatedly, every single day. "I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do" and the OP is tiptoeting around on eggshells.

This is not normal at all, not at any age let alone 22. I genuinely pity anyone who thinks it is.

ok- you’ve gone on holiday with what seems like very little money to actually do anything. This I don’t understand. Unless it’s like a drop and flop beach holiday where you read/swim/snooze repeat. Or a city break with lots of free sightseeing.

Youre rural and quite isolated. What was the draw???

auggest the plan- seek agreement- set the time and food options (leave at 11, take a picnic. Be home at 6 we will cook together) seek agreement. If no agreement is made and she is vague book flight home.

Too old for this misery!

You should go do your own thing and offer to pay for her flight home.

This is harsh but you need to take responsibility for this shit show and stop being such a doormat.

Until you grow a pair and stand up for yourself- stop whinging about having to eat crisps for dinner or spend a few bob on a cocktail or two. Honestly you are ignoring the advice and reality of your situation.

This is your fault. You have allowed your DD to be a petulant, unpleasant, spoiled brat. The fix is on you. Be the adult and parent and allow your dd to be a decent human. If she was never taught how, she won't know how.

The holiday plan sounds like a mistake, really. If you'd stayed in a city or a big resort, you could have both done your own thing and met up as and when. She sounds very difficult and immature, OP. What a shame for you.

It’s not normal behaviour. Absolutely not. My daughter and my friends children would never behave like this. Sounds like you are being a bit of a doormat and need to be very firm with her. I would entertain myself and failing that, go home . Would not be booking anymore holidays with her until she stops being so spoilt.

Do your own thing the whole trip. You can be friendly and polite - say good morning, maybe tell her your plans, but then cheerfully head off for the day. You've tried but it hasn't worked. There's no point in ruining your own holiday.

Well, your daughter is a really unpleasant person.

Id tell her you are leaving and she can come or make her own way home.

If she lives at home I’d give her a month to find a house share. I’d be done.

100% this and tell her this is your first time living too. Maybe she'll get that. I hope so

Have you asked her what's gone wrong?

I'd be taking the tack of: "you were really looking forward to this holiday. You yearned to visit this country, you did lots of research and you planned all these great experiences. Yet once you arrived here it's like you were hating every minute and didn't want to do any of those things. And it's still that way. What happened? Why are you suddenly just hiding from it all in your room?"

I do wonder if there's a mental health thing going on here

what were you planning on doing OP out of interest ? Sat cooking every night and drinking around the apartment? Or were you planning on walking to local ( ish) bars? Was she all up for that ? I’m wondering if it was something she fancied in theory but the reality isn’t quite what she thought and she’s more of a waterfront bars kind of gal - whatever the reason, she’s a rude young madam given you have paid and needs to do a lot of growing up

Blimey can we stop with the DD bashing!!! She is behaving poorly. But these comments- HARSH

That’s the ops daughter FGS, show a little bit of civility. Mumsnet is better than this surely!

Seems to me this is not ''normal'' behaviour at all. I'd say she has some secret big worry/problem that you do not know about and it is consuming her.

Are all these ‘discussions’ and ‘having it out’ happening in person or by text? It sounds like your DD is addicted to her phone. When she said she was having a lovely time she was probably sitting somewhere looking at her phone.

There’s really no point in continuing the holiday if she’s going to behave like this. Tell her there are three options:

1. She starts acting like an adult, realises this is your holiday too and begins to interact like a normal person for the rest of the trip
2. You both agree to spend the remainder of the holiday apart (and she needs to find her own way around)
3. You decide to go home early either together or you leave alone

I’d give her those options tonight, let her sleep on it and come back with an answer in the morning. If she agrees to stay and carries on with this attitude, make the decision to leave within 24 hours. You have to show her that this behaviour is unacceptable for her age and particularly on an expensive holiday.

I’d say go home . Your relationship with each other seems to have broken down . There is a total disrespect for you coming from her and I think you mollycoddle her too much . Go home . You both seem unhappy and I can’t see it getting better in this trip .

TBH I can understand the daughter's irritation.

She sounds immature.

Why is she so tired in the early evenings?

Why was she tearful?

I would back off a bit, she is possibly demand avoidant and it might seem like you are making requests of her including wanting her to entertain you.

She may come around a bit if you give her some space.

It’s so weird to read, isn’t?

Are you sure, OP, you planned this holiday together? Because it sounds like your daughter doesn’t seem to have any interest in (a) where she is, (b) why she’s there, (c) what to do, (d) what to eat, (e) how travelling happens, (f) how things get paid for, (g) how time happens, (h) who you are.

It sounds like there is something seriously wrong with your daughter and she either has a serious mental health issue, or something is unfolding on her phone that’s stressing her out?

could she have a drug problem? The disappearing and erratic behaviour seem a bit suspect

I agree there is something going on in her life she's not telling you about. Otherwise her behaviour is inexplicable.

I find this so strange. In our family we always got on well. Why not?

She sounds like a person with difficult personality who lacks empathy or consideration.

I am not surprised she had a fall out with a friend on holiday and other friends have avoided travelling with her ( I am assuming they made an excuse of money).

It shouldn’t be like this. 22 year olds are not teenagers. They need to improve their interpersonal skills. They would be working with people. How do they manage that or is mother their punching back?

I agree @Redpaisley, this isn't typical behaviour for a 22-year-old adult at all. Something's going on.