Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

Oh yes, lots more going on!

These posts really are the gift that keeps on giving.

Apologies OP for finding a bit of humour in the thread, but the people who can’t be bothered reading your posts are just too much.

Who are you to police who posts?

Well obviously if he is messaging sex workers he is a despicable scumbag.

But I would be surprised if one had been in your home - I would know immediately if someone else had been in my bed - especially shagging - smell, sweat, even the scent of someone else's shampoo or soap on the pillow - you'd know. I would, anyway.

But messages with sex workers...if you want or need an actual massage you don't go to a sex worker, and you usually mention it to the person you live with.

The thing to remember is what they tell you on a plane.

If there is an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on before helping your kids because you can't help them if you need help yourself.

So at the very minimum, drink drink drink (not alcohol!) and eat if you can.

I agree, and I very much doubt that a sex Worker would be willing to go to a clients home because that is a danger zone potentially

Sorry about the outcome
but you know what , when we have the gut feeling it’s usually right !

what you do is - take NO blame for his action whatever s… come out his mouth
You make sure you eat and put your health first- do not let him bring you down that it affect your health , your worth so much more
You speak to him when You feel able too - not when he wants to creep
You stay strong for yourself & kids
You decide what’s next - in your own time

men are shit at putting their wives or partners first - it’s always about them and their needs

stay strong & focused

You confonted him quick between posting you were going to confromt him to posting again telling is what he said, was under 20 minutes

I am not sure why so many people were trying to find other explanations from the very first page. Occam's razor?
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

I am so sorry, @mouseymouse123, this is devastating. Take legal advice now while he might be feeling worried and ashamed. And remember that he is no longer your friend. Everything that you thought you knew about him was not true.

You and your children will come out the other side of this, I promise, happier and stronger. Sending you so much support, strength, and love.

And your point is?

I agree with pps I doubt a sex worker would go to the house?

I'm so sorry OP, what a bloody awful shock 😢 in the short term, can you call a friend or family member and ask them to stay a few days? You're reeling from shock and it would be good to have someone with you. Or take the kids tomorrow and stay with family for a few days? Give yourself time to get over the shock before you make any decisions. You just need a few days to sleep, try and eat and look after yourself and your little ones 💐

Not all sex workers work from brothels or their own houses. It's called an "out call", they'll go to your home or hotel etc. Obviously lots of people don't want them at their own home in case others see but they do visits.

How risky. But I suppose it's all risky.

This.

I know someone via ex SIL who offers the "girlfriend" experience. So she will do the date then go back to his and have sex. Or she will go to his and have the more intimate type of sex than just PIV until he gets off.

She makes a hell of a lot of money out of it. And from her I learned that a fair amount of sex workers prefer to take the risk from a client than the far bigger risk they would have working with a pimp, who tend to take over "unmanaged" sex workers through violence and rape. Think Andrew Rape type stuff.

Do you wear shoes in the house? Half a fake nail could easily be picked up outside in the tread of a shoe.

Op so much to process. It's going to be extremely hard I won't lie . At this point try to breath and one minute at a time . Sending you so much lo love and strength. Ultimately form a rational pov he needs to be gone ,of course that's not as simple in real life terms . You need to process the pain and devastion and their is no way round that . Please make sure if possible to have friends and family supporting you in real life. You will get through this I promise.

Could be cross dressing and using prostitutes at the same time. A lot of prostitutes specialise in certain fetishistes
Hope he wasn't doing anything at home as OP has said he wasn't washing sheets.

Some do. When we had advertisements for them in our local paper they would say whether they did outcalls or not.

I’m always shocked at the faith in men not to cheat on mn 😫. It was so obvious.

OP please don’t let him fool you. He will try really hard and try all sorts of tactics, like suddenly seemingly want to come clean and tell the “truth”. He will not tell the truth.
I doubt the prostitutes are the end of it and to bring people into your home and bed is utterly disgusting.

This is not a reflection on you in the slightest. Get yourself to the SH clinic. Get your 🦆 🦆🦆 in a row and seek legal advice when ready. If you decide to stay in the relationship, do so in the knowledge that you can’t trust him and it will happen again and again.

Therapy and lots of friends and family and self care ❤️

Im so sorry. Tonight, you probably feel numb. Call your best friend. Call your mum, sister, someone like that, someone who you can talk to and will
stop you going back to him if you wobble. Be firm, clear and make sure he can’t enter (chain on lock if you have one). Some men take it badly if their control is taken away unexpectedly, others are just sad and mopey at being caught. Go though ALL the documents in your house tonight. Look for evidence of bank accounts, pensions etc. photograph everything. The mortgage too. Take you/the kids passports, put them somewhere safe or send them to a family member tomorrow so he can’t take them in a few months and stop holidays etc. take back all your control. Get your ducks in their row.

The trouble is that if we really believed he is the type to cheat then none of us would have got married.

The sad fact is that most of us find out the hard way. Did I believe at the age of 30 that my ex was the type to cheat? No. I was also sure, as are many, that he didnt have time to cheat as he was either at work or at home. Except that he wasnt, and he was also cheating at work.

But thankfully, many of our younger sisters are listening to our stories and are not as trusting as we were.

My practical advice is get an std test done as soon as possible. You can possibly order one in the mail ( depending on where you live). I’m sorry this has happened to you. Do you have any family nearby that can help you through the next few days? If not, you do have us here to listen and try and advise x

People in our youth didn’t tell their stories often. Like the woman who I used to work with who used to say she fell into the bannisters when she got a black eye - she regularly seemed to fall into the bannisters…

Somehow those women used to think the shame was on them for not being the wife they could be or some such rubbish they’d been conditioned into believing. I’ve watched a bit of manosphere nonsense to inform myself and they still coach each other with that kind of shit: if your wife isn’t pandering to your every need then it’s not surprising you’ll go elsewhere kind of self deceiving bollocks.

I’m so proud of women these days who just won’t be silenced any more. It helps other women so much.

OP please don’t let him talk his way back. The level of disrespect he’s shown you by cheating in your own home is off the scale. Get support from anyone you know that you can trust. Inform yourself of your rights by seeing a solicitor and if you can’t afford that at least go to the CAB or Chat GP or google it to get some pointers. Tell your best friends and get emotional support from them. Ring the Samaritans or CALM when you need to talk in through. Nothing is worth staying with someone who has no respect for you and this man doesn’t for certain if he can cheat in your own home.

Does he have his own car or do you share one?
Check the mileages, anyway.

I’m so sorry op. Have you got anyone local you can get support from?