Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

I'm so sorry OP. Can you tell the kids in the morning calmly that he needed to go somewhere for the weekend? Perhaps a white lie until you can think about how to handle this together for the best with your kids. And then do something normal / nice with them tomorrow?

Can you get any support from anyone in person tonight? It's so hard to be in a complete spin on your own.

Whatever happens the kids need to know that you both still love them. My heart goes out to you! xx

Im so so sorry.

you do not have to make any decisions tonight and even if you do make a decision you can change your mind in a few days.

Do not try to figure anything out now!!

Just try to remain as calm as you can and get support all around you.

Make an appointment with your GP on Monday and get a cert for work and you can keep posting here if you need support. So many of us have been through it. Take your time x x

If you have Employee Assistance Program at work or your husband has you can have free counselling and free legal and financial advice and it’s completely confidential. And FREE. You can take their advice or do whatever you want to yourself but that is available to you tonight x x

You breathe, and take it one day at a time. I'm afraid it is going to feel overwhelming and massive. It'll probably feel strange or surreal for months, but it will eventually settle.

Your 'husband' is a tool. He's blown up his own life, potentially given you permanent trust issues, and probably exposed you to an STD by having sex outside the marriage, and like many men like him, I bet he thought he was incredibly clever until it all fell down.

Please don't listen to women on here, or him, about talking to women just to have a conversation 😂Ffs.

Whilst, I'm sure it does happen, if he really want to have a conversation, there are local organisations where he can meet men for support, such as men's sheds. Almost every corporate workplace emphasises mental health these days, often with free counselling sessions.

Really sorry OP

Arrange a health check after the BH too. Gather key documents. Guard finances…withdraw cash if you are likely to need it. Lots of really kind support out their for you to talk anonymously ..Just Break Up Podcast and Facebook.

Speak to friends and family …gather your support if it feels safe. You did not deserve this 💐

I know where you’re going and trust me you’re wrong

I’m so sorry OP, what an awful shock. Is there someone who can come and stay with you and the girls over the long weekend and just be there to help you? You don’t need to tell them the whole story if you don’t feel ready to - you could just say “something has happened between RattyRatbag and I and I’ve asked him to leave”.

Have you asked his sister?

(If it is all innocent and just coincidence - Is it at least expensive/nice smelling perfume!? 😅 )

Sometimes things are not as they seem- many years ago I found long red wavy hairs in our en suite shower trap- O obviously blamed exH who I already knew was cheating ( I was playing the long game on leaving). He vigorously denied having a woman in our bedroom.
Then very recently my wonderful trustworthy husband was flying home from a business trip and I checked his phone position to workout his ETA only to find he was at a hotel 10 miles from the motorway where he should have been. I was reeling - felt sick.

On the first occasion I later found the source - a large toy horse with flowing red mane that I then remembered DD had taken into our shower with her ( sorry ExH)

Current husband appeared home not much later than expected ( ie with no time for an assignation) with a gift bag for me- he called at the hotel as to buy me a present as they stock their own amazing small batch gin made with botanicals from their garden and I had raved about it when we were at same hotel for a family party some weeks beforehand.

Your DH could be cheating but sometimes the most damning clues are actually red herrings.

I hope this is the case for you lovely

Oh no just saw your update - i'm so so sorry

I know some men will do it, but honestly think their own bed is the last place many would carry on an affair.
You’ve been through his phone.

I would say highly unlikely.

Were the messages you found on his work phone, of a sexual nature or alluding to payment for sex? It's pretty bad he's also used work property to hire personal services, but at the same time if it was just a massage why didn't he tell you about it when it was booked? Why did he keep it from you? Are there any other issues that have been ongoing outside of tonight's events? Communication issues?

I would seriously get yourself checked for STI's, if he's been having sex with prostitutes. I'd also be boil washing the bedding, towels etc. Last thing on your mind, I know. The nail and earring back could have been stuck to him from using prostitutes and he carried them into the house on his person.

Was it an acrylic nail? Those are tough buggers to just snap and break - They are quite painful when they snap or are ripped off. It would need to catch on something hard for it to snap, unless it's just a press on.

I wonder if the sex workers may have left little tells for you, knowing that he is supposedly a family man and he’s been having them in your home 🤢

Next steps- deep breath. You don’t even need a reason to end a marriage these days so seek legal advice, 30 mins free advice. If you call around doing this lots of local solicitors I believe they won’t be able to take him on.

Get an STI check.

Don’t let him or his family/friends try and talk you out of this. You know what he’s done. he just got sloppy and was caught.

If you do want closure though, has a neighbour opposite got a ring doorbell??

My aunty caught her husband in their own bed and with a woman his daughters age. Men are disgustingly stupid like that.

So sorry.
Do you have friends or family near by?
Anyone who can come and give you a hand hold overnight or tomorrow?

I'd do nothing for a few days other than talk to people you trust, look after yourself and your children and when you feel up to it, think about the financial side and if you're divorcing try to make an appt with a solicitor.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

You’ll find counsellors are much better at listening. This feels like weak justification and says a lot about you that you trying to explain it away empathically. That’s not helpful for the OP.

FFS try to keep up.

He could, but the point is that men don’t.

You're a bit late to the party. We've passed this stage about 3 pages ago. Do keep up.

So what's the difference in talking to a prossie and a therapist?

OP. I am so sorry. This must be such a shock. Is there someone you trust that can come and stay tonight. Could the kids have a couple of nights with relatives? Turn it into a fun trip for them. You need a bit of space.

It’s good that he’s gone. Block him so that he can’t manipulate you while you are in this state.

Your body needs to be taken care of so that you can process this. Drink sips of non alcoholic drinks. Eat snacks regularly - whatever you feel you could manage. Dehydration and hunger will increase cortisol and stress and make it harder for you to manage.

Tonight watch something comforting on TV and try to get some sleep.

Keep breathing. Keep talking. Cry if you need to. Don’t speak to him until you feel clearer headed. He’ll just manipulate you.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

I'm not sure the OP is interested in your post. She's moved on and you need to keep up.

You are exactly same situation (two kids 6&3) as my DH when found out his ex wife was having an affair. Everything will be okay. Don't start worrying about the distant future, take each day as it comes. Get support from work and family, don't be afraid to tell people who you need right now. Get a solicitor.

You clearly didn’t see my following post. Do keep up. 😒