Where are all the decent men hiding?

[Arding]

Where are all the decent men hiding?
Do you have a decent man?
Where did you find him?

Guessing that many men aren't hugely fussy isn't actually supposed to be an insult. It's you that's taking it in that way.

And the thing I said about axe murders was clearly supposed to be tongue in cheek/a joke. Maybe not a very funny one?

But you made an assumption that I was interested in hearing a list of attributes you find necessary in a female partner. I have no such interest.

You made really profound points there. Research confirms that the good looking hottie guys get all the replies and dates on online dating apps.

You'd be surprised....I see guys hitting on women very often!

Lots of really interesting accounts about how you all found your "decent man".

I'm so grateful to you all for sharing your very interesting stories about your search for a decent man...and for keeping hope alive that there still are decent men out there.

Bless you all so much!

Few and far between as far as I can tell. I've not found one despite 20 years of steady looking.

I know of only a handful of genuinely nice men who love their partners and wouldn't stray if offered the chance.

The thing that goes for everyone about their really great single friends are that you have no idea what they are like as a partner. There may be private things they do that are just intolerable.

One if my good friends is quite a shit partner in truth. She's just not very nice.

I've got a nice single one here, aged 29. He's in the armed forces though, and he never seems to meet anyone.
There seems to be a lot of nice people of both sexes, single and finding it difficult to meet a partner. You'd think online dating sites would be the answer, everything else is done online, but there's a lot of weirdos out there.

This thread is so sad. There's obviously decent men and women of all ages that are single and looking to be in a relationship. There needs to be a better way to connect these people.

I know a lot of women won't date military, police etc

The ones who want to commit to a relationship will be in one.
They will have been snapped up in their 20s.
Just because you want something /does not mean there is s supply.

Yes I’m very lucky that I have a wonderful one, he was hiding on Hinge and I found him 😂

I think a lot of people (both sexes) are unrealistic about what makes a relationship work long term, and have no idea what to look for.

Lots of people have a tick list, which is all well and good but focuses on the wrong things. They want common hobbies/politics, or physical attributes, or certain class signifiers, and completely forget about really key things like: do you have the same idea about what a relationship should feel like? Do you approach disagreements in a compatible way? How do you live day to day? Can you respect each other and show kindness even when you’re having a bad day? Fancying each other is so important, but can also be quite different in person than it is on a screen. These are things you uncover by getting to know someone, not from a tick list & scroll. But OLD encourages a numbers game filtered by the tick list, so people meet once and it’s all high stakes, one gets the ick and gets out, and onto the next.

And then there’s the people who get past the first hurdle (they’re blessed with attributes that tick a lot of boxes, and attract people who tick theirs) but then have no ability compromise or grow with their partner. Every disagreement/annoyance goes into their “resentment bank” and they start disdaining the person they once thought was so great. My husband has a friend like this, he keeps meeting these amazing women but once he’s out of the honeymoon period he turns hyper judgemental and his girlfriends all end up running with him shouting “good riddance!” after them. It’s happened 6x now and it’s clear he’s never learned anything.

A very wise comment. OP still hasn’t said how old she is.

@Idontlookyoung

They weren't oil paintings, so i don't know where they got that idea from that several women were falling over themselves to have sex with them.

Trouble is that's exactly what happens. That kind of bloke has the gift of the gab, or the twinkle in the eye, or the "bad boy" vibe or whatever, and, sadly, do seem to find a steady stream of women to satisfy their urges.

We've known a few, who, frankly, I wouldn't give any time to, let alone sleep with, but they've always got a new women with them every few months, none of whom last long. What has always amazed me is that the women are often younger and attractive, and could have their pick of far more "suitable" men. The mind boggles.

Personally, I think the "better way" is called real life in person, i.e. through friends of friends, work, hobbies, voluntary work, neighbours, etc. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of men are frightened of approaching, say, work colleagues, for fear of sexual harrassment claims, etc. As a society, we seem to have lost the ability to casually/innocently ask someone out for a date and not be fearful of the repercussions of a refusal.

I remember the MN post a few months ago about a woman who'd been in a restaurant with friends/family for a meal and most put out that a waiter had offered her his number (or asked for her number) at the end of the evening. Some people were wanting the guy sacked. It was a classic example of why so many men are scared stiff of asking women out these days in the real world. It was as if she had no ability to laugh it of, or politely say no, or politely lie she had a partner etc - i.e. simple (and normal) responses that wouldn't have raised an eyebrow a couple of decades ago.

As a balding, overweight (well, obese TBH) middle-aged man who's not overly interested in fashion, I'm always curious as to what posters mean about men of my age "not taking care of themselves". I often see blokes who are in worse shape than I am mooching around in old tracksuit bottoms, and a fair few of them seem coupled up.

I do wonder if these expectations are partly generational. I'm quite astounded by the number of overweight nerdy men in their teens and 20s who have partners. I suspect that back in the 90s most Gen X women would rather have died than date a geeky porker!

Gateshead

As you get older you have more expectations of a relationship and more parts of your life that are established and have to adapt to a new relationship. This might reduced the potential partners that you feel are acceptable or decent. In your 20s you meet someone you fancy and if it's good you build your life together and work it out as you go along. It doesn't always work out, but it does if you can both grow together. You are pretty fearless and risk taking when you are younger. You also don't tend to over think things in relationships.
You don't tend to do this when you are older. It makes it alot harder to meet someone compatible.

The work thing is tricky. Unless its a mutual thing I wouldn't start anything romantic with a colleague if it didnt work out it would be very awkward indeed.

Real life is best yes. However people around aged 35 don't always go out to socialise like they may have at 25 its difficult. Everything is online so you are limited.

In my experience (anecdotally, from friends and colleagues) there are three distinct phases in which the good ones are briefly single, available and date-able.

The first phase is mid-20s, by which point they're established enough in life to become partner material.
They can sort out their own bills, know the basics of how to keep a house in order, have a regular income and a stable place to live in. They also often have had enough experience with women to know the basics of how relationships work and have had enough time to make their mistakes with those and learn from them. If they find a suitable partner, that's a good chance of them being taken off the market indefinitely.

The second phase is late 30s to mid-40s.
It's usually a time when men, too, re-evaluate their life choices. It could be that they have realised they have made a mistake in choosing their first long-time partner through incompatibility or that they and their first long-time partner have simply grown apart. They now know what works in relationships and what doesn't, have shown commitment, have made their mistakes in long-term relationships. They have a career, decent income and enough assets to sustain themselves, and are able to deal with issues when they arise. They can come with children or may have been previously married, but are genuinely good men to have.

Of course, you may also find a few that have prioritised their careers over relationships, but I have observed that they often still make too many mistakes that the more relationship-experienced ones have already learned from (and they generally are early 30s when they get snapped up).

The third phase is early to mid-60s. These men are often widowers. Good men who have experienced the loss of a lifetime partner.

In between those life phases, I find that the good ones who don't fit into those moulds are few and far between. Most men who are single during those phases are single for a reason.

My partner falls into the second category. We met online after both he and I came out of long-term relationships, in which we both tried, for many years, to make things work. Had we met earlier, it would not have worked between us, so it was a case of right place, right time. We both consider ourselves incredibly lucky to have met one another when we did.

If anyone finds a decent man they hold on to him for dear life. I have a couple of male friends who were single for a while. One got snapped up immediately and the other two though really nice are a bit wet so not everyone’s cup of tea but again off the market pretty quickly.

I met mine in the wild at work, I’m older. DS and his mate both met their girlfriends on Hinge. Both now at around the 18 months mark. My friends DD just married her hinge date and my other friends DD has been married and has had a baby over the last 5 years again via hinge. My boss at my voluntary job is PG and about to have her dating site baby, no idea what site it was though. They have been together for six years and she is older at 37.

We have fake hair. Fake eyebrows. Fake eyelashes. Fake lips. Fake tits. Fake tan. We wear make-up, we contour to change the shape of our faces. We have shape wear and padded bras and padded knickers. And when all that isnt enough, we use "beauty" filters on out selfies.

Men, in comparison, have a shower and put on a clean shirt. You're not seeing attractive men because what you're actually seeing are normal looking men. We're all normal looking too, beneath our fake-up. The difference is that men dont care about all that nonsense. We think they do, they dont. And when we see a man who chooses a woman who doesnt care about it either, we call him "desperate".

Most of them are probably already taken. Once you find a decent man you have to hold on to him. My husband is a decent man. We met at uni, on the first night and have been together ever since.

This is what I hate about dating apps. Its basically just a catalogue of people, marketed to look appealing - you get no real read on them at all. Lots of people become either more or less attractive to you the moment you meet them. Maybe singles events would be better?

For those of us who are middle aged, it's very difficult. Have tried the well known apps and been disheartened. Currently not looking and enjoying life as a single. I plan to get properly out there again in the real world once DC is a little bit older and more independent.

We met 20 years ago at church.

Quite a few other church-goers got married about the same time.