Where are all the decent men hiding?

[Arding]

Where are all the decent men hiding?
Do you have a decent man?
Where did you find him?

They are married by early 30s.

My son is extremely shy and I’d love him to find a nice partner.

Unfortunately he works from home so is isolated; he mainly grew up in the Far East and USA (we were an expat family) His long term relationship with his girlfriend from High School broke down so he relocated to England to be closer to our family just as Covid struck so his American company closed their London office down.

Sadly he seems isolated as he works from home and doesn’t have any childhood or university friends in the UK. He plays golf but only retired ladies seem to play at his golf club. He has his own house, car and dog and doesn’t smoke, drink or look like a minger….but he’s 37 and it looks like he’s going to stay permanently single at this rate! (I’ve dropped hints but he just won’t do online dating).

Nail on the head. I snapped up a "decent man" a long time ago, someone I met whilst we were both doing voluntary work. If I died any time soon, I know he'd get snapped up by someone else pretty quickly. Honest, reliable, etc - a good solid bloke.

I think more and more decent people - men and women - are choosing to remain single and abstain from the whole dating scene, because they feel it's more peaceful and less hassle.

Dating apps only work for a small percentage of men, approaching women in the real world is something of a minefield (many don't feel comfortable doing so, or believe they shouldn't), and ultimately, when you get used to single life for a period of time, you come to realise how peaceful and how much freedom there is to it.

But give it a few years, and the way AI's developing, you'll probably be able to have a semi-realistic AI boyfriend. 😂

Good idea - my son would make a brilliant boyfriend/partner/husband, but just doesn't go out on the pull and won't using dating sites. He's got loads of friends, a good job, friendly, etc., but doesn't know how to chat up a woman, never has, so his "female" friends stay in the friend zone as he can't make the first move. He just needs a "push" to try meeting someone as a potential romantic partner, or for a female to be a bit more assertive and give him an obvious sign. He doesn't do "hints" so a woman would have to be pretty obvious in telling him she was interested. Some kind of MN "dating" app between users could be a really good way of getting our adult children talking to and meeting each other,.

Try Burned Haystack, it'll help filter out the worst because you learn to identify the rhetorical patterns of the dangerous men and the otherwise problematic men. It also encourages you to give no-red-flag blokes who you don't immediately "spark" with but aren't actively repulsed by a second chance.

That's how the founder of BH and lots of others who successfully used this filtering method found their own "needle in a haystack".

We met through a sports club at our university and "got off" during a drunken social (dating was just something that Americans did in films back then). Been together 33 years and married 23. Pretty much everyone I know married to a decent man (or indeed woman) met under similar circumstances: uni, hobbies/sports, work. And they all got together in their 20s or very early 30s.

What is your hobby?

This is such a key point, as others have said. Meeting someone 35+ is a whole different ballgame to looking in your 20s. There are still good men but they are harder to find and of course everyone has their baggage by that point.

This.

I'm a man who's 5'7". I'm on OLD and I get no interest whatsoever. Given that the majority of women's profiles specify that they want someone at least 5'11" - even women who are as short as 5'1 - then I guess it's simply that I don't come up in their search results because men of my height have been filtered out.

I'd caution against ruling people out for arbitrary reasons. I don't care much for tattoos but a woman I once worked with had tattoos and I couldn't have cared less as she was such a wonderful person, so best not to get fixated on random things. You might miss out of a great person.

I've been in two long term relationships. Both with women who warmed to me over a period of time because I was around them on a daily basis. I'm not the kind of guy who walks into a room to a crescendo of snapping knicker elastic and I'm fine with that. It's a case of knowing what works best for you.

I'm an introvert who doesn't like noisy, crowded social settings and doesn't have the confidence to approach women so I thought OLD would be the holy grail. In reality I can relate to all the complaints women have about men on OLD as it looks just as grim from a man's perspective. In reality, I think focusing on yourself and being happy is the answer and, if you spend your time in the places where you're doing what you love, you'll eventually meet a likeminded prospect.

One final thing...

Don't get hung up on the notion that all men in their 40s, 50s, whatever who are single must have something wrong with them. If you're age appropriate for these men and you're also single then, by your own logic, there must be something wrong with you too!

Sometimes it's just that people grow apart and a decent man who's solvent, capable of living independently and has some standards won't stay in a relationship that's not right. Surely that's a healthy thing?

@M74 that’s ridiculous. 5 foot seven is fine.

i’m a woman and I also worry about that logic that there must be something wrong with me!!! I just never wanted to settle down before I didn’t sleep around. I was just busy building a career and and I guess if I had met the right person it would’ve been different, but I was quite happy on my own so it’s only now that I’m interested to look. But I wouldn’t date Online so in reality it’s just hoping keeping fingers crossed. It’s not a disaster if it doesn’t happen. I think a lot of decent people just aren’t out there dating because they’re getting on with their lives.

I have! Met him through a mutual friend when we were both 50.

We used to work together. Our marriages ended within 6 months of each other.

We'd got on well already over several years working together and things evolved once both of us were in the right head space for a new relationship. I was 47, he was 46.

It used to annoy me so much when my friends in LTR said after yet another crappy date that the right man was waiting somewhere for me. He really wasn't.

There's hardly any decent men 40s - mid 50s to pick from it seems. They mostly want fwb and no commitment so they can sleep around.

They weren't oil paintings, so i don't know where they got that idea from that several women were falling over themselves to have sex with them.

You're aware that AI companions already exist?

https://jedfoundation.org/resource/why-ai-companions-are-risky-and-what-to-know-if-you-already-use-them/

A lot of women on MN seem to think that if the man isn't chasing, he isn't properly interested.
And yet every decent young man knows to keep a respectful distance while awaiting enthusiastic consent.
It's no wonder the birthrate is down!

Ive got one and feel fortunate every day that he chose me and I get to chose him every day.
Met him in RL at 40 with 2 children. He doesnt want children of his own, thought he'd never meet anyone due to this. He adores mine as if they are his own though.

Dont give up!

Also, every decent 52 in three-and-a-bit-weeks man!

I recall when I was younger my mum advising me on girls and saying they won't know I like them if I don't show them. Err, well, how am I supposed to know they like me if they don't show me? And surely the attention will amount to harassment if they're not interested!

No man of any age who's capable of thought and sensitivity is going to dare hit on a woman these days!

Met my husband on tinder for sex.. now with a baby and a bump. He's gorgeous and was previously married for a decade, single as his ex left him for a woman.

I'm married to one.

If we are pimping out our sons I have a 27 year old who is absolutely lovely. Gentle, kind, generous, loyal, thoughtful. Car, 2 degrees, two holiday lets abroad. Very shy and lonely. He's autistic which has badly affected his confidence.

I see scrote after scrote after scrote with women all over them.

I don't get it.

I wonder how many relationships didn't happen because woomen sit there and wait. This also happens on OLD then wonder why they're getting likes but no message. And like I said in previous post, if you do talk to women, or even smile and ay hello, it somehow seems to throw them. You're like a monstor with two heads for saying good morning and smiling. Is the paranoia that deep?

I met my amazing man walking my dog. Even after years together I still pinch myself that after having some really vile exes I’ve finally got a truly decent one. He was in his early sixties when we met.

I found mine in a museum lurking behind a vase full of brussel sprouts, so you never know where you'll find one!

There is no one perfect out there. Many men who are/have been married for many years, since their 20s or whatever, can also be total arseholes/have weird problems/are c**ts....you don't know why they are still married/why they and their partners stay together. I come across these men, esp in my family! Same applies to women.

No man or woman is perfect/good/decent. It's about you and how willing you are to compromise.

They're married, to decent women.

This isn’t true either.

if you look around you in the real world many men and women are in relationships. It isn’t just men over 6ft and beautiful women, this whole red pill narrative just doesn’t match reality.