Where are all the decent men hiding?

[Arding]

Where are all the decent men hiding?
Do you have a decent man?
Where did you find him?

I’m 60s and never met the love of my life. My shyness has always prevented me from going to social events where maybe the right person might have been

My husband is a farmer I’ve been with him since we were 15. Most farmers I’ve met are generally decent men. Obviously there is always a few bad apples.

False dichotomy.

There are always plenty of comments from women who have made the first move, but it hasn't ended well, and that men still like the thrill of the chase.

I've seen a different problem described: that making the first move gives men a false impression of how quickly you're prepared to move to sex. There are certainly many men on OLD who don't care about the chase, they're playing a scattershot numbers game and lose interest quickly if you don't respond to sex chat.

Would men really like us to make the first move? Does it put them off?

But would you really be interested in someone whose manhood is threatened by this?

Would they say yes just to avoid saying no, so that you end up with one date but never any more? Or is it still best to give some encouragement, hint at an open door, but leave the rest to them?

At least one of you has to risk at least some rejection. That's what many MNers don't seem to realise; maybe they think men are unemotional and therefore risk nothing.

Yeah that's interesting. To me I imagine a bloke would consider any woman who seems sexually interested and isn't openly a raging crackhead/violent axe murderer to be a 'decent' partner.

But maybe both sexes are having too high standards? Like everyone is saying they want 'decent' but arguably some aren't especially 'decent' themselves.

Obviously men are not a monolith, and some men will like a woman to make the first move, while others won't. But to answer your questions from the perspective of this man -

God yes, I liked it when a woman made the first move. It makes life so much easier! DP made the first move with me, and 20 years later that seems to have worked out pretty well. It always made no difference to me whether I asked a woman out or vice versa, I didn't expect them to be more of a "sure thing", and it certainly didn't put them off. And no, we wouldn't say yes just to avoid saying no, but I might say yes to someone I hadn't actually considered asking out myself. After all, it's a night out with someone, where's the harm in saying yes and seeing if sparks fly?

I would say that if you really like someone, be wary about relying on encouragement and hints. Some of us are just oblivious. I've spent a night in bed with a woman and not realised she was into me. It took her saying "You do know I was coming onto you that night?" five years later before I got that message.

They went extinct once these things started becoming widespred in society:

• modern feminism
• 50/50 relationships
• sexual revolutio/promiscuity
• single-parent households
• lack of higher/spiritual purpose

Flipping it on its head - where are all the decent single women?

Women who….

Aren’t caked in makeup
Aren’t pumped full of filler
Aren’t selling their nudes online
Have interests beyond love island
Can hold a decent conversation
Eat well
Aren’t obsessed with their phone
Aren’t obsessed with social media
Don’t vape
Are emotionally stable
Are financially literate and responsible
Aren’t obsessed with fast fashion

I rarely see natural looking women and when I do and she’s attractive, it’s like glimpsing a unicorn.

Probably passed my sell by date but I am an unattached trustworthy male that’s never done on line dating , been alone now for sixteen years, so we are out there hoping to bump into a similar lady one day.

This is most women, isn't it?

I met my wonderful DH when we were both at school - he was in the year above me. Married for 42 years now and still adore each other 😊

Things I'd consider as important for a decent woman:

Kind
Intelligent
Good sense of humour
Trustworthy
Has interesting things to say
Doesn't have such a low opinion of men that she thinks they'll be interested in anyone as long as they're not an axe murderer

Sadly it seems yes these days, at least the ones in the dating pool.

Oooh. I got told. 🤣

Sorry you don't think I'm decent.

Things I'd consider as important for a decent woman:
Kind
Intelligent
Good sense of humour
Trustworthy
Has interesting things to say

@HowardTJMoon does physical appearance honestly not figure on your list?

Yes, but that's a bit more nebulous and difficult to pin down. I don't have "a type". Plus there are women I've subsequently fallen in love with whom I didn't see as particularly attractive when I first met them but, once I got to know them, my view changed. Similarly there are women who were undoubtedly attractive but my interest dropped to absolutely zero once I realised they were unkind or untrustworthy.

Would you be interested in a bloke who held a dim view of women?

Define a 'decent man', if you please. I might be one.

No, I meant most women on the list of things that that guy posted he wanted! I meant most women are lovely! And I meet some nice men too they're all taken

Yes, some of the attached ones but most women are not like that on OLD. And they almost never look close to their profile pic.

I met DP almost 4 years ago on Tinder. We clicked and started exclusive dating virtually straight away. He's very much the monogamous old fashion type of wanting one woman and no one else, and very happy to be in a committed relationship (as am I).

We spend most of the week together at either his or mine (4-5 nights a week), spend every weekend together, go on holidays either just us or with my two teenage DC, with whom he's got a great relationship. He comes with me to all the school concerts, all football matches for my DS, we do pretty much all of my kid-related stuff together and virtually all social stuff together. He helps me with everything, whether I need to clear my garage or build some furniture or paint my son's bedroom or repair something or whatever else, he does it for me. While he doesn't live here full time, he contributes financially to my bills, buys food and cooks, and is in many ways 'the man of the house' while I still retain independence in decision making and get to spend a bit of time alone (I'm an introvert, and a writer, so it's important to me). I think it's a brilliant set up.

He's financially generous, he's brilliant with my friends and family, trustworthy, loyal and a lot of fun. Things aren't always perfect as two out of his three adult children don't like me (women in their late 30s, not kids) so we have had some turmoil around this at times, but we've overcome it.

Of course no one is perfect - he can sometimes be a bit passive and conflict-avoiding with his adult DC, and in my fantasy he would always just take charge and tell people where to go when they're being rude, but that's not real life. Everyone will have some flaws, and I'm sure I have a hundred (but he's really easy going and doesn't mention them!)

I think we're really lucky to have found each other on OLD. Before me, he had a 25-year marriage which broke down due to his ex's adultery, and then a 4-year period of dating where he didn't really find anyone he truly fell in love with. I hope we'll stay together forever, life is unpredictable but I'm grateful to have him in mine.

Just want to give OP some hope. My cousin married someone who she met online mid 30s and had a baby. They are still together.

My friend is 50 and the men interested in OLD are over sixty. Not what she is looking for.

I met mine online. I didn’t actually want to go on the date as based on his profile he seemed like a the forever bachelor who fucked around. I took the chance as he insisted to lock place and time instead of endlessly chatting. I figured it is just a coffee and nothing to lose. Well, my impression was wrong. He ticked all my boxes and non-negotiaables and we have been together since. Had some hiccups but nothing unusual for people in their 30s who have been single a while!

I’m glad this worked out for you. I am never sure if the forever bachelor type is a huge red flag (either simply not interested in commitment, or too many flaws to keep a partner) or just a case of not having met the right one yet. Seems like it was latter for you!