Ultimatum or boundary? Need advice ... sorry for long explanation.

[UmberBird0602yipee]

Hi all. I've been with my boyfriend now 4 months after getting together in the April. It has been ok until the past few weeks. I had a conversation with him the other day that made me feel unheard and was unsure if he had issued an ultimatum or just boundaries.

Abit of context ...
I had a pregnacy scare when my period was late for a week, so I went to a sexual health clinic to talk about options to stop pregnancy. I'm not ready to have kids yet and since we have been together that short time I just want to be safe and feel safe when we did things. During the pregnacy scare I did bring up what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons. After this conversation, I was worried about bringing up the options.
We also had a conversation over text about when I would be ready for marriage and kids. I know not a good call to do over text. I said I wasn't sure when I would be ready and if he would wait for me. His responses where I need a time frame of when you will be ready.

the conversation ...
I approached it with him about the clinic and the options, and he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was disheartening and he took it far worse then i was expecting. He took it as a personal attack that I didn't trust him to keep me safe and to raise our hypothetical child. Then he just listed off reason for why I would do this e.g you think I would just walk out on you and the baby, is it because I'm black or my religion, my family can voucher that I'm a good person, stuff like this. I was crying as he didn't believe that I was just not ready to have kids yet and took it as a personal attack. Saying things like I wish I would have know this before. I wasn't trying to argue with him just wanted to be honest with were I was at.
i have told him in the past i dont want to be rushed into something like this and this feels like he is pressuring me. Once he calmed down once said all the reasonings possible reasons why not, he was abit better and realised how upset I was. I Approached the what if I can't have kids conversation as he was so detemined to have a kids with me and he just was adiment that no matter what that I would be able to have kids. He never once said during the conversation of what if I can't that he would be happy with just me. It was alot to get his head around and I understand that but just felt that he reacted so much worse then what I was expecting him to.

But anyway the Ultimatum...
He was asking when will I be ready. My responce I don't know.
His responce ... Well after a year in the together we need to start planning for the future. Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?
At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation so that I could think about how it went down and the conversation later when i was not around him. He then had a conversation with me about what he wanted our wedding to look like and he wants our little girl in the wedding when we have kids. I was quiet the rest of the time which he noticed abit but didn't push then I went home.

Is this an ultimatum or a boundary? It feels like an unlitmatum and I don't know how to handle this.

He is a really good guy and romantic but handled that conversation so much worse then expected then said the above. I'm 25 and he's 30 and he wants to get on and get married and live his life with kids. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know if I'm ready,.or if I would be by January with that pressure.

I just need a second opinion from people I don't know so they are more objective. If that makes sence.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded explination. Hope you can send me some wise words of wisdom. Thank you in advance for reading and your comments below. Means alot.

Exactly. Precisely. Totally agree with @Hatty65.
For your age you are very inexperienced and, from the sound of it, very naive about how relationships develop. Do you have good friends or close family you can talk to? The way he is talking to you, the scenarios he is suggesting, just aren't right. He has far too many marks of the controller and abuser about him. Additionally, to my mind, he is shows signs of being a potentially dangerous person. Run for it.

You’ve been with him 4 MONTHS, you’re only 25 and he wants you to live together and commit to marriage and kids before you’ve even known him a YEAR. He clearly has no respect for your wishes or feelings and thinks that he deserves use of your womb on his timescale regardless of how you feel about it. Demanding that you trust him is also ridiculous. You have no idea who he really is until you’ve seen him navigate challenges, met his family and friends, lived with him etc. He is a walking red flag. Run before you find yourself impregnated, isolated from friends and family and being told where you can go, who you can see, what money you can spend and what you can wear. See this scare as a gift as it’ll help you escape before you can’t and you end up another woman on here asking for advice about how to leave a horrible abuser who has stolen her confidence, independence and peace.

Trust your gut. Obviously it doesn’t feel ok to you or you wouldn’t have posted for advice.

re boundary or ultimatum: it’s fine for him to say that he’s looking for a serious relationship including marriage and children in the not too distant future. It’s not at all fine for him to try to control your use of contraception now or ever, nor to give such a tight timeline associated with threats and weirdly phrased as if he’s doing you a favor 🤨. Maybe he has stronger feelings or for whatever reason is feeling in a rush. Not inherently bad. And that might mean he finds it uncomfortable that you want to take things slower. But those are his feelings for him to manage. If he decides he can’t behave well and therefore to back away, fair enough (assuming appropriately communicated). But he’s trying to make his discomfort your problem, that’s not ok.

It’s really hard, especially when this is the first person you’ve had big feelings for, to recognize that something is not right. So I think other posters saying you’re immature or whatever are completely wrong. I’d say the opposite. Despite little previous relationship experience and all the excitement and strong feelings of the early stages, you’ve still seen clearly that there’s a problem with how he’s treating you and you’ve sought advice. Be proud of that. Unfortunately from what you’re described it doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s healthy to continue. He is not being respectful and is using a lot of emotional manipulation. I hope you’re able to break it off cleanly and get back to enjoying your life without this pressure.

The hills are that way; run for them quick as you can

Run. Run like the wind. You are only 25 for goodness sake. He sounds extremely controlling and manipulative and coercive. You’ve only known him 5 minutes. Get out as fast as you can.

To clarify:

An ultimatum is a choice you present someone - either you do this or I will leave. You tell the person what you want and they either agree or thats it.

A boundary is something you set for yourself. - if i say i only date men who call after a date to plan the next one. I can go on a date, the man can choose to call me the next day or not. But im only going to choose then man who chooses to call the next day.

An ultimatum is asking a partner to choose. A boundary is something you set for yourself and people can chose to ignore it and lose their access to you.

Your BF isnt really doing either. Hes a. Ignoring your reasonable concerns about contraception and b. Trying to love bomb and control you into being tied to him with a child youve said you arent ready for.

Tbh, I wouldnt be entertaining this guy. Hes treating you like something on his tick box list of life

So it sounds like your partner is of different ethnicity and religion to yourself and is wanting to follow his family's traditions, eg get married and have children. Obviously after only a few months into the relationship you are still not sure that he is "the one" so please don't be pressured into making any longer term commitments until you are certain you are certain you are ready. As this is your first serious relationship you may believe you are in love, and enjoy the romance, but it seems to me the timing is all wrong for you, plus he is older and sounds controlling.

💯 this, run for the hills, this man is a walking red flag.

Open the bin lid OP and get ready to dump this one, though I doubt you will as you seem too entrenched by this nark already.
I didn't read your whole post, in the same way you will not heed advice on this, but the fact you've only been together for 4 months and he's been acting strange for a few weeks is enough to say 'here comes the true person' and it doesn't look pretty. Have my child so I can keep you and do what I can get away with vibes are all over this situation. And if you do dump him, there is nothing to leave, I hope you are left in peace. Men like this can be extremely manipulative, be careful with this one!

Get rid of him. You'll be on a one way path to being a third class citizen otherwise.

This is so fucked up on so many levels

Because when you have a baby with him you are trapped.
His behaviour is controlling - he's dictating whether or not you can use birth control and when you have a child.
His behaviour will get even worse when you have a baby with him. I fear you'll have a life of being isolated from friends and family, dealing with erratic moods, never being able to do anything right, not having control over your own life.
Trust what we say - many of us have been there and can see the signs.
It's been four months. Get out while you can.

He’s not a good guy if he’s pressuring you into having a child you’re not ready for. He’s not a good guy if he’s preventing you using contraception. He’s not a good guy.

You can when you’re a big fat hypocrite!

This man is awful, @UmberBird0602yipee

You’ve been together 4 months! This is ridiculous!

A good guy wouldn’t do any of the things you’ve shared here @UmberBird0602yipee .

This guy is controlling, manipulative, volatile and devious. Nothing about him is good.

He wants to rush a baby - no contraception and no abortion from January is very much designed to make sure you are pregnant asap - to trap you. And once that happens kiss goodbye to a wedding. That will be the thing he dangles to keep you in line.

You are inexperienced in romantic relationships and have said things that indicate you are not just naive but emotionally immature in some ways. He can see all of this.

Ask yourself why, if he wants marriage and kids so badly, he is 30 and without either.
End it. Play the field if your interest in men is new. Do not throw your life away on a con man.

Unfortunately I think @UmberBird0602yipee might be posting again by January about him being abusive while she's pregnant.

He is controlling! Already….only 4 months in. This can only get worse. Trust your gut. Ditch him.

You have time and there are better around.

Ref the “ by January “ quote, is it visa related?

Run.

pregnancy it is your body not his how dare he think he is in charge of any timelines

You sound very naive and young for your years. Please take time out to work on yourself, develop interests and confidence. Get some hobbies and meet people.
Know your value.
Consider what you will in future bring to a relationship and what your partner will bring to compliment you and thus form a team.

Don’t let this man control you.

He has targetted someone younger and vulnerable with no frame of reference who doesn't realise just how not okay his behaviour is. He has more red flags than a communist parade. You have been together 4 months, not years, months! You absolutely shouldn't be ready for marriage and a baby at that stage, but this man's controlling mask is already slipping, he knows he can't keep it up long term and the only way to lock you in is by trapping you with a lease or a mortgage, a marriage and a baby you're not ready for. You have a sum total of 4 months experience of dating, with one person, I'm sorry but your radar for what is okay and what makes him a good guy is not well tuned yet.

Im getting the vibe he isnt British and the timeline is about visa requirements

I know what else he is. 🤨

OP, since you have asked for some advice, and the replies are unanimous. I really hope you’ll take this great advice, and end the relationship with this man.

Each of your additional posts reveals how vulnerable you are.

OP there's no other way to describe this except as coersion.

''But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?''

Do not, under any circumstances continue with this 'relationship'.

He also intimated that he'd want your (hypothetical) daughter in your wedding party?? So he wants you to have already had at least 1 child before he'd even marry you???

He's a fucking walking Red Flag!!!

He has also said that you will be able to have kids, ignoring completely your suggested possible infertility (again hypothetical), so you can be 1000% certain that if you weren't barefoot and pregnant by March/April, he'd be accusing you of continuing birth control, despite his 'rule' that you had to discontinue all birth control in January, and likely being very aggressive/angry about it too! (But by then he expects that you'll already be living together, so it'll be too late for you to back out...)

He is ordering you to be 'ready' to obey his 'rules', beginning 1st January ffs!

No, No, No, fucking hell NO !!!!!

He's an abuser, who's been stupid enough to tell you exactly when his abuse will begin !

Please, please don't be stupid enough to think that the 'real' him is a romantic etc, he's not, he's an abusive, misogynistic, controlling cock womble who will make your life a living hell.

Is he religious and is not that comfortable with sex outside of marriage?