Ultimatum or boundary? Need advice ... sorry for long explanation.

[UmberBird0602yipee]

Hi all. I've been with my boyfriend now 4 months after getting together in the April. It has been ok until the past few weeks. I had a conversation with him the other day that made me feel unheard and was unsure if he had issued an ultimatum or just boundaries.

Abit of context ...
I had a pregnacy scare when my period was late for a week, so I went to a sexual health clinic to talk about options to stop pregnancy. I'm not ready to have kids yet and since we have been together that short time I just want to be safe and feel safe when we did things. During the pregnacy scare I did bring up what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons. After this conversation, I was worried about bringing up the options.
We also had a conversation over text about when I would be ready for marriage and kids. I know not a good call to do over text. I said I wasn't sure when I would be ready and if he would wait for me. His responses where I need a time frame of when you will be ready.

the conversation ...
I approached it with him about the clinic and the options, and he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was disheartening and he took it far worse then i was expecting. He took it as a personal attack that I didn't trust him to keep me safe and to raise our hypothetical child. Then he just listed off reason for why I would do this e.g you think I would just walk out on you and the baby, is it because I'm black or my religion, my family can voucher that I'm a good person, stuff like this. I was crying as he didn't believe that I was just not ready to have kids yet and took it as a personal attack. Saying things like I wish I would have know this before. I wasn't trying to argue with him just wanted to be honest with were I was at.
i have told him in the past i dont want to be rushed into something like this and this feels like he is pressuring me. Once he calmed down once said all the reasonings possible reasons why not, he was abit better and realised how upset I was. I Approached the what if I can't have kids conversation as he was so detemined to have a kids with me and he just was adiment that no matter what that I would be able to have kids. He never once said during the conversation of what if I can't that he would be happy with just me. It was alot to get his head around and I understand that but just felt that he reacted so much worse then what I was expecting him to.

But anyway the Ultimatum...
He was asking when will I be ready. My responce I don't know.
His responce ... Well after a year in the together we need to start planning for the future. Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?
At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation so that I could think about how it went down and the conversation later when i was not around him. He then had a conversation with me about what he wanted our wedding to look like and he wants our little girl in the wedding when we have kids. I was quiet the rest of the time which he noticed abit but didn't push then I went home.

Is this an ultimatum or a boundary? It feels like an unlitmatum and I don't know how to handle this.

He is a really good guy and romantic but handled that conversation so much worse then expected then said the above. I'm 25 and he's 30 and he wants to get on and get married and live his life with kids. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know if I'm ready,.or if I would be by January with that pressure.

I just need a second opinion from people I don't know so they are more objective. If that makes sence.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded explination. Hope you can send me some wise words of wisdom. Thank you in advance for reading and your comments below. Means alot.

I get that he gas a timeline in his mind but it takes 2 people to make a baby and both of them people need agree.

I wouldnt continue the relationship. Our values just wouldnt align. I feel his comments are manipulative and the communication is poor.

Realistically, you dont really even each other to be considering children. If you decide to stay then make sure you dont have anymore accidents. You protect yourself and your sexual and reproductive health. Ultimately, you'll be the one with physical, emotional, and financial risks of both having or not having a baby.

I'm 25, i just was never into guys like that. Started liking guys about a year and a half a go. Also guys never really looked at me like that, we were always just friends or they were asses. Either way.

Yeah, he says he doesn't want to rush me and when I've said we need to slow down in the past he respected that and with difficult conversations he listened openly to me. It's just this change of behaviour that says he won't be there for me when I need him. I'm just trying to come to terms with this. It happened yesterday so just trying to take the space to process it all.

What religion and culture are you from, as that could change things?

Four months in is normally the dating phase with no one discussing commitments like cohabitation, even less having children.

I mean, maybe in the theoretical sense, to see your goals are aligned, but not wanting them for quite some time.

Any signs he might be trying to trap you with a baby? Have you heard about what some men do to force women into sex work? Just asking because the conversation you described is weird af. He is planning to have kids before marrying you? ("Our girl to be in the wedding").

Be careful. Definitely use contraception. Every kind going. He is very likely going to try to get you pregnant and that is weird. Tell him how much child support is (that might put him off!) and tell him you want to be married before having kids.

I don’t even think religion and culture does change anything because he doesn’t want to marry her imminently so he can’t claim to be traditional.

From a male prospective

Run

This guy is a control freak. He isn't interested in your thoughts, your wishes or anything thing else apart from controlling every aspect of your life.

You've been together 4 months and he's already trying to control you! Please end things ASAP he sounds awful. And he is not a good guy!

Nobody is going to say any different if the genders were reversed. You've only been together since April and you absolutely do not have to go along with what they want. Their insistence and the ultimatum they have issued about January is unbelievably controlling. Why January?

Oh he's definitely taking advantage of your inexperience in order to control you! You need to run before you get tied to him with a baby.

Coercive and extremely controlling. He's got so many red flags he could sell some to China and still have some left over. He sounds like a dumpster fire.

He thinks he can control your body down to what birth control you use and pregnancy. That comes from a misogynist mindset and you can't change that.

He's trying to rush your relationship and rush you into a pregnancy you're not ready for.

He's fixated on pregnancy after 4 months of dating. He sees you as an incubator, not a human being.

He's made a ridiculous ultimatum and is trying to guilt you into it. Of course you don't trust him to have kids with after 4 months of dating, you barely know him and he's already shown himself as a controlling ass.

What do you think is romantic about a man who wants to use you as a wife appliance and incubator and is telling you so early on it's his way or the highway?

If his objections to abortion and birth control are religious based, I bet premarital sex is also against his religion so he's a hypocrite when it suits him and affects your body, not his.

He says he wants to marry you, but have your kid at the wedding. That means what he really wants is kids, not to marry you. Which leads to

Women are complaining about men who won't marry them after some years together, many times with shared children.

If you won't dump him, double up on your birth control. Adding, I wouldn't trust condoms that he provides if he's using them.

He absolutely is not a good guy.

Do the Freedom Program.

Also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft available as a free PDF online.

What this is is controlling and you should be running for the hills.

Put this scary experience down to just that - experience. And be glad you have dodged a bullet. Next time you have a relationship be in a stronger frame of mind first where you assert your own needs to yourself, and don't get pushed around by some controlling dick with an agenda. Pease get contraception sorted out straightaway. I was shocked to read you had a pregnancy scare having been with him only three months or so. Did you knowlingly have unprotected sex with a virtual stranger? You sound quite vulnerable, and the wrong kind of man often senses that and homes in. Get stronger, love yourself and know how important you are. This sort of man won't bother a woman with self-esteem and decent boundaries. You can do it and have a happy life.

I say this as someone who met my husband and was married with 8 months - run. This man sounds like a fucking nutter.

If this is what it’s like now imagine what it will be like for you re him going forward.

I think he targeted you deliberately to abuse and mistreat. He saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends. This is not a good man but a controlling and therefore an abusive one. He needs to become an ex.

They've been dating for 4 months, not living together for years. It is way WAY too soon to be put under this sort of pressure when you're only 25. The responses would not be different if the sexes were reversed. And this spurious January deadline by which time they will still only have been dating for 9 months? Why?

Does he happen to need a visa or 'right to a family life' quickly? He is in an awful rush.

Also, obviously not that religious, or he would have gotten married before getting you pregnant.

Run like the clappers op.

You'll regret it if you don't. It isn't supposed to be this hard after such a short amount of time. You've skipped straight past the honeymoon stage into being controlled. It will get worse.

He isn't the right person for you.
He is older and wants marriage and kids soon, and you are not ready and he is not open to compromising. He has a different religion to you and different beliefs about things like contraception, and you are not able to communicate about your different values and beliefs in a healthy way within the relationship.
Even if you think he is 'a good guy' and even if you like him this relationship is not a good fit because you don't want the same life. There are other people out there.

April to mid July is not even 4 months. For several weeks of the 14 weeks you've been together you've been being pressured about becoming a parent. He's making plans for a child that you haven't conceived yet, plans that it will be a girl. What on earth is going to happen if it's a boy or you can't have children, or he can't?

Please drop this guy, he is wrapped head to toe in a red flag.

End it. Experience some different relationships before getting rushed into a baby. Are you bi? I wasn’t clear if you weren’t into men before because you have a preference for women or just not into anyone before this guy.

Take some space for processing - but where in this conversation did he ask or consider what you want? Do you want marriage, kids? Very soon? With him?

It would be very unusual to be able to answer all of this after a short 4 months, and at age 25 many people would be wanting a lot longer (years?) to consider them.

It’s a big red flag that he took your clinic visit as a personal affront to him - what about you not wanting a child yet?? Both people have to want the child. He isn’t the boss of you. He sounds hugely egotistical and only considering his own desires. Rather controlling.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a boundary or an ultimatum. He’s been clear about his view - I wouldn’t look to change his mind. If I wanted exactly what he was proposing to his timeline, maybe consider it… but if you’re at all unsure (which you clearly are!), then I’m afraid it’s a thanks but no thanks. He’s told you who he is and what he thinks - if that’s not for you be glad you found out sooner rather than later.

I would say the same to a woman wanting a boyfriend to commit to children - if he doesnt want it then best to walk away. Also, it sounds like it’s only when he felt his manly manhood was called into question that he was suddenly interested. I wouldn’t trust his so called commitment to being a father as far as I could throw him.

This really isn't how good guys act.

Four months is WAY too early for these sorts of decisions, by January you'll have been together eight or nine months? Putting pressure on you to decide by then is controlling and manipulative.

Please run.

I agree with PP, there's too many red flags, the start of a relationship should be getting to know each other and having fun, do you have that? It sounds very heavy, hard work, he's controlling you and the relationship already, I believe he's acting hurt to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, hurting his feelings so he can get his own way. Get out now, you owe him nothing, life is not a rush, to be pressured so you can keep a boyfriend, walk away, zero contact, throw him back.

Before this guy I was asexual as in not into guys or girls. That changed a year ago due to some smut books. But anyway ...

He's saying you can't use contraception or have an abortion January onwards. You won't be getting married before you have these kids. If you object, you're racist and don't trust him. But he's also a nice guy... You are handing your autonomy to a controlling nutcase - he's priming you for a lifetime of abuse. Why on earth do you think so little of yourself that you are listening to utter drivel from a man you barely know. Run a mile and if you don't, use all the contraception you can lay your hands on - he's looking to trap you with a baby asap.

In your position I would tell him I’ve changed my mind. I may not be ready for a family in a year after all and in fact I am reconsidering if I ever want a family and probably not before I am 30. If having a family soon is make or break for him, he would be better off looking for someone else.
Then see what he says/ does.
My guess is he won’t leave you but will just continue to pressure you to have a family soon as I suspect this is about control at the heart of it. At least though he can’t say he wasn’t warned.