Ultimatum or boundary? Need advice ... sorry for long explanation.

[UmberBird0602yipee]

Hi all. I've been with my boyfriend now 4 months after getting together in the April. It has been ok until the past few weeks. I had a conversation with him the other day that made me feel unheard and was unsure if he had issued an ultimatum or just boundaries.

Abit of context ...
I had a pregnacy scare when my period was late for a week, so I went to a sexual health clinic to talk about options to stop pregnancy. I'm not ready to have kids yet and since we have been together that short time I just want to be safe and feel safe when we did things. During the pregnacy scare I did bring up what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons. After this conversation, I was worried about bringing up the options.
We also had a conversation over text about when I would be ready for marriage and kids. I know not a good call to do over text. I said I wasn't sure when I would be ready and if he would wait for me. His responses where I need a time frame of when you will be ready.

the conversation ...
I approached it with him about the clinic and the options, and he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was disheartening and he took it far worse then i was expecting. He took it as a personal attack that I didn't trust him to keep me safe and to raise our hypothetical child. Then he just listed off reason for why I would do this e.g you think I would just walk out on you and the baby, is it because I'm black or my religion, my family can voucher that I'm a good person, stuff like this. I was crying as he didn't believe that I was just not ready to have kids yet and took it as a personal attack. Saying things like I wish I would have know this before. I wasn't trying to argue with him just wanted to be honest with were I was at.
i have told him in the past i dont want to be rushed into something like this and this feels like he is pressuring me. Once he calmed down once said all the reasonings possible reasons why not, he was abit better and realised how upset I was. I Approached the what if I can't have kids conversation as he was so detemined to have a kids with me and he just was adiment that no matter what that I would be able to have kids. He never once said during the conversation of what if I can't that he would be happy with just me. It was alot to get his head around and I understand that but just felt that he reacted so much worse then what I was expecting him to.

But anyway the Ultimatum...
He was asking when will I be ready. My responce I don't know.
His responce ... Well after a year in the together we need to start planning for the future. Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?
At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation so that I could think about how it went down and the conversation later when i was not around him. He then had a conversation with me about what he wanted our wedding to look like and he wants our little girl in the wedding when we have kids. I was quiet the rest of the time which he noticed abit but didn't push then I went home.

Is this an ultimatum or a boundary? It feels like an unlitmatum and I don't know how to handle this.

He is a really good guy and romantic but handled that conversation so much worse then expected then said the above. I'm 25 and he's 30 and he wants to get on and get married and live his life with kids. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know if I'm ready,.or if I would be by January with that pressure.

I just need a second opinion from people I don't know so they are more objective. If that makes sence.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded explination. Hope you can send me some wise words of wisdom. Thank you in advance for reading and your comments below. Means alot.

This man is terrifyingly controlling. Please end the relationship.

He is treating you like some kind of puppet he can control. Apparently you aren't allowed your own opinion on contraception or babies. Of course you don't 'trust' him to protect you - this is a stranger that you have known for less than 6 months. I've known my dentist for longer, frankly - and probably spent more hours with him over the years. I'm not going to let him control my gynaecological choice, am I?

Who is to say you want, or can have children. He's insane, planning a wedding and what your (non existant) little girl will wear. He's even more insane to be planning a family with you when the pair of you barely know each other.

Jesus, woman - dump him and block him. He's scary.

You don't have to settle for the first one. There's plenty of other people out there and most of them will be much nicer than this controlling, abusive man you have the misfortune to be in a relationship with at the moment.

He is not a good guy, he is one of the worst of the bad guys.

You do not have to do what he tells you. Please get rid of him out of your life as soon as you possibly can.

Relationship experience he is my first one ever. So that doesn't help.

You're right, it doesn't help.

However, we're all telling you the same thing. Four months in, and he's giving you a timeline?

No. End it. It'll get worse, believe me.

You came to the right place. Women in here are collectively very experienced !
Do not continue this relationship.
The mask may be slipping and it sounds like he could be a very controlling guy and you'd end up trapped. This is so early on, you can find a much nicer man.

Woah I didn’t get past the bit of him insisting you give him a timeframe for marriage/kids after FOUR MONTHS.
get out now; it’s not you it’s him!

BTW can I recommend that you insist all men use condoms until you're quite sure you're exclusive with them.

That's in addition to whatever birth control you're using yourself (pill, implant, injection, IUD).

Good men will not object to this.

I know they say people need to know they’re on the same page but 4 months is nuts here! You both want different things, I don’t understand why ye didn’t both just break up immediately

You are only 25 and have been with him only 4 months.
This seems way too much pressure

At 4 months in you should be having fun, messing around, getting to know each other etc. Not necessarily even exclusively committed let alone taking about babies and marriage! You’re 25. You have your whole life ahead of you.

There are quite a few red flags:

🚩 he thinks he has a say in your contraception
🚩 he is against abortion and thinks he has a say in that too
🚩 he appears to expect you to have a baby with him without marrying him first as he wants your not-yet-conceived daughter to be at the wedding
🚩 he is 100% disinterested in your timeline and has been rushing you from the off

There are many more but just the few above are reasons alone to run, run away.

He is treating you like you are his property.

It is neither - its a massive RED FLAG!
You have been together 4 MONTHS and he is demanding you be ready for marriage and kids by January??? At this stage you should be having fun and working out if you are compatible long term, not trying to convince this man about your right to use contraception!!!

Please, get away from this controlling man who has no respect for you as quickly and safely as you can, before he does impregnate you!

You should break up and get on decent contraception (eg coil etc)

Imo...

He is a giant reg flag of a man and You are no where near ready to become a parent. You are 25 have a some fun and meet some guys thst arent controlling dicks.

He’s signposting your entire future and you’ve only been dating 4m. That would be a red flag for me. He needs to ready to be pregnant within 9m of meeting? I would get a coil fitted and say nothing, remove it when you are ready to reproduce. Enjoy the relationship but don’t be rushed into anything. I would also want to be married first. If he’s not ready to sign on the dotted line, I wouldn’t risk sharing a child with him forever. He sounds massively controlling.

Holy shit my girl, what are you thinking? This man is a walking red flag! Control, control, control, over your time, your opinions, your body... and this is after FOUR MONTHS! Think about how much dominance he'll have over you in 5 years, twenty years. He wants you ready by January indeed. The arrogance. GET OUT NOW while you can.

I agree with this.

This is not right or normal im sorry,this is really not like any relationship I would ever consider being in. You barely know each other after 4 months yet he is saying by January you need to be ready to tie yourself to him forever. I would be running so fast. Having a child isnt something you do because someone else would be heartbroken if you didnt.

You are 25, this is your first relationship. This is waaaaay too much, too fast and far too pressured. Please do not come off any contraceptive if you stay with him, he sounds like he has the potential to be scary controlling and this is meant to be the point where he is showing you his very best, yet he is already issuing ultimatums and trying to force your hand. Its worrying after such little time.

OP, this man is a controlling bully. He wants to control your fertility, when actually he could piss off and leave you literally holding the baby.

I really think that if you stay with him you'll regret it for decades, if not the rest of your life. Why not say, "You're right, I'm not ready to have children, so let's separate now so that you can find someone who's ready to have a family"?

The hills are that way <----

You should run as fast as you can while you still can, but something tells me that you won't. No one to blame but yourself when it all goes very very badly for you. Take the good advice being offered here, that's what you asked for.

He wants to baby trap you, that's his rush. He probably has multiple children he doesn't see or financially support.

Get yourself proper contraception and use condoms.

4 months into a relationship you shouldn't be having a pregnancy scare. Throw back any man who refuses to use condoms. Don't give them the chance to dictate whether you can be on your own form of contraception either. Even teenagers know this.

He is a really good guy

He is not. He really isn't. A really good guy would listen to his girlfriend when she said she was not ready to get pregnant and respect that decision. Not lay on some emotional guilt trip and a load of pressure. You have known him for a matter of weeks, he is a nightmare on wheels. Get away from him. He is not even bare minimum.

He wants you "ready by January" like some kind of breeding animal? It's not a boundary. It's sort of an ultimatum, but the consequences of you not being ready to have his babies not even a year into knowing him, will be that he is "heartbroken"?

He's upset is he? Upset that you don't trust him to keep you and a baby safe, when his behaviour around your contraceptive choices is telling you loud and clear that he is absolutely not trustworthy. He has no respect for you and his behaviour lets us know that he believes that he can override your decisions about your own body. This is BAD news.

Tell him to grow up and go and find someone who wants to be treated like a cow in a farmyard. You can do so much better than this melt.

A boundary would have been to say - 'I want a family and to be with you for the long-run. I need to know you want those things too. Tell my by January if you want those things. If you don't - that's fine but we want different things and I will move on.'

What he said was - 'I'm going to get yu pregnant as soon as possible after Janaury, and if you don't want that you can deal with me having an even more emotionaly unregualted reacton than this one.'

Its threatening and controlling and a sign that you should get out of this relationship.

Please don't do this to yourself. Four months in is no time for any of these conversations. I have jars in my fridge that have been around for a lot longer. But, since you've had these conversations, the nature and tone of the ones you've had would set off major alarm bells. I think you should take control of the situation and tell him you want different things. Trust all the women on this site who are telling you the same thing. This will not end well.

Great advice. End this relationship, tell him you're simply not ready yet to commit to the kind of relationship he wants. Date a few more men so you have a better idea what makes a good one - not really that different to what you would like in a female friend.

Yes. Exactly. This is spot on.

I don't think there is a clear and principled distinction between a boundary and an ultimatum. I think a problem with therapy-speak is that it creates fake taxonomies.

As for whether it's reasonable, I think it is. If a man wants (a) children (b) a relationship with someone close-ish in age, then he can't afford to spend too much time on someone whose life goals don't align with his.