Ultimatum or boundary? Need advice ... sorry for long explanation.

[UmberBird0602yipee]

Hi all. I've been with my boyfriend now 4 months after getting together in the April. It has been ok until the past few weeks. I had a conversation with him the other day that made me feel unheard and was unsure if he had issued an ultimatum or just boundaries.

Abit of context ...
I had a pregnacy scare when my period was late for a week, so I went to a sexual health clinic to talk about options to stop pregnancy. I'm not ready to have kids yet and since we have been together that short time I just want to be safe and feel safe when we did things. During the pregnacy scare I did bring up what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons. After this conversation, I was worried about bringing up the options.
We also had a conversation over text about when I would be ready for marriage and kids. I know not a good call to do over text. I said I wasn't sure when I would be ready and if he would wait for me. His responses where I need a time frame of when you will be ready.

the conversation ...
I approached it with him about the clinic and the options, and he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was disheartening and he took it far worse then i was expecting. He took it as a personal attack that I didn't trust him to keep me safe and to raise our hypothetical child. Then he just listed off reason for why I would do this e.g you think I would just walk out on you and the baby, is it because I'm black or my religion, my family can voucher that I'm a good person, stuff like this. I was crying as he didn't believe that I was just not ready to have kids yet and took it as a personal attack. Saying things like I wish I would have know this before. I wasn't trying to argue with him just wanted to be honest with were I was at.
i have told him in the past i dont want to be rushed into something like this and this feels like he is pressuring me. Once he calmed down once said all the reasonings possible reasons why not, he was abit better and realised how upset I was. I Approached the what if I can't have kids conversation as he was so detemined to have a kids with me and he just was adiment that no matter what that I would be able to have kids. He never once said during the conversation of what if I can't that he would be happy with just me. It was alot to get his head around and I understand that but just felt that he reacted so much worse then what I was expecting him to.

But anyway the Ultimatum...
He was asking when will I be ready. My responce I don't know.
His responce ... Well after a year in the together we need to start planning for the future. Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?
At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation so that I could think about how it went down and the conversation later when i was not around him. He then had a conversation with me about what he wanted our wedding to look like and he wants our little girl in the wedding when we have kids. I was quiet the rest of the time which he noticed abit but didn't push then I went home.

Is this an ultimatum or a boundary? It feels like an unlitmatum and I don't know how to handle this.

He is a really good guy and romantic but handled that conversation so much worse then expected then said the above. I'm 25 and he's 30 and he wants to get on and get married and live his life with kids. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know if I'm ready,.or if I would be by January with that pressure.

I just need a second opinion from people I don't know so they are more objective. If that makes sence.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded explination. Hope you can send me some wise words of wisdom. Thank you in advance for reading and your comments below. Means alot.

You need to get as far away from this man as the planet will allow. You are asking the wrong question. Boundary or ultimatum? It doesn't fucking matter. He is a wrong un. Look in the mirror and ask yourself this..
What am I doing with a controlling insecure arsehole who thinks he owns me??? Have I no self respect?

This guy is showing you that he doesn't believe you have equal rights or your own voice. Run as fast as you can.

You've only been together 4 months. You should still be in the fun stage. He's controlling and coercive. Please end this relationship.

It’s reasonable for him to want a family. It’s wholly unreasonable for him to not consider whether or not his girlfriend actually wants a family too. It’s wholly unreasonable for him to not consider that she might not want a baby age 25, unplanned and undiscussed, and treat it as a personal affront on his manhood that she would not immediately want this 4 months into a relationship.

I don’t believe for a minute that this all comes from a deep desire to be a father. Why didn’t he discuss it calmly and considerately with her before this if it was so important to him? Feels like he is just twitchy about anything that calls his manhood into question, and about her having her own opinions and plans.

He sounds like an absolute nightmare!

Please bin him off - it won’t end well otherwise.

This all has a really bad vibe about it and I’d be willing to bet that, as time goes on, he gets more controlling and you get more and more unhappy.

It’s far too early, anyway, to be making any plans about babies or marriage.

Be very wary!

I absolutely think it's reasonable for a 25-year-old to not want a baby. I think it's reasonable for a 25-year-old to be unsure as to whether they'll ever want a baby.

I also think it's reasonable to break up with a 25-year-old who isn't sure if they'll ever want a baby. I would have.

Terrifying! He doesn’t give a shiny shit about you, believe me. Please end this madness as soon as you are safe to do so. He’s not, absolutely not, a good guy.

Good grief run. Even leaving aside the first relationship aspect and the ridiculously quick timeframe, what is he offering you? He's being pretty clear about what he expects from you, but I don't see what he's bringing to the table beyond controlling behaviour and demands.

Consider this: if he was saying 'this is the lifestyle I'd like to have in the future and ideally by say, 2-3 years time and if we are going to commit / move in, I'd like to know we're on roughly the same page long term' that'd be a very different discussion. That might be reasonable. This is 'from January, you make yourself available to TTC on my terms when we have no formal commitment and haven't even moved in yet' which is not remotely reasonable.

If you were my friend, I'd tell you to run for the hills to be honest. Any man who thinks a woman's body is their property is bad news.

Why January though? I must have missed it but have you been on contraception and if so is he aware? As you probably didn't use a condom (though you always should going in anyway, crude pun not intended).

Hopefully not while using the same forceful and accusatory language the OP’s boyfriend did though.

It’s not a boundary it’s a threat. Do as I say or I will leave you.
You need to step.
He may be 30 and want to settle down quickly but this isn’t the way to do that.
If you stay you are entering a life of control and emotional abuse and that includes your children.
He is not a good guy.

His tenancy runs out in January.
He isn't a good guy op.
Be very careful how you end things.

Sure, I agree with that.

Girl run for the hills!! It’s been 4 months it should be all about having fun together!

He wants to get you pregnant in January?

Note he is demanding to try for a baby in January but offering no concrete plans to marry.

If he's "traditional", marriage would come first.

What he is saying is just a load of worthless promises that he'll be a good involved dad but zero real security or protection.

You take ALL of the risk and he takes none. Super.

Dump this controlling weirdo.

There are nicer men that won't try to railroad you into huge lifetime commitments at light speed.

He sounds like an abusive maniac. Please just block him and run.

Not one single action or word of his sounds normal. He sounds dangerous.

I'd do a Clare's Law. But still leave him regardless.

You've been together a matter of weeks and he thinks he can control whether or not you use contraception?! Absolutely disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

This is not the man for you. I hate to think what he’d be like in 10 years: would he allow you out alone? Would you be allowed a job? To see friends? He’s ready to settle and have a family, you simply aren’t. There’ll be others, chuck this one back.

“At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation ”.

This nails it for me. The basis of a disastrous controlling relationship and the pattern for all your future disagreements.

This is acceptable to you? Him reducing you to tears? Not accepting you have different views? Or even listening sympathetically to your views?

He is not a good man and he will brook no opposition on anything. Four months in and he thinks he can lay down the law and control your body! FFS! Has he been reading “The Handmaid’s Tale” ??? because he’s booking you in for the starring role….

On the plus side at least now you’ve seen his true colours and you can run for the hills, your heart singing as you rejoice in your close escape.

No one ever has the right to dictate whether or not you use contraception, your reproductive health and your plans are entirely up to you Op. This man is issuing ultimatums to control the narrative. You will be ready for marriage and children when you are ready, be that January or 10 years down the line. Make this clear to him and let him.leave if he chooses

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He's being horrible. You have some breathing space. Seriously consider contraception he can't interfere with - an implant/ IUD possibly in addition to contraceptive pills (take advice but it's not unusual to eg. have a Mirena+ progesterone only pills to manage heavy bleeding).

I don't think you're going to stay together long term - but if it suits you to separate in a week/a month rather than right now that's ok.

Your ultimate answer may be that you don't want to have children at all or not till you're x years older or have achieved thing y professionally or have bought a house etc. He's allowed to want different things and to separate if they don't match up but setting deadlines like he's trying to do is controlling and should be resisted.

Longer, longer term, most people who are happy to marry / become civil partners are better advised to do so before having children in terms of protection for if you separate. So it's red-flaggy for him to be talking about having your (currently nonexistent) child at your wedding.

They’ve been together 4 months. I don’t think reversing the genders would change this at all (although it should a bit since it would be OP actually getting pregnant). In January, they will have been together 9 months and she must be ready to have kids with him by then? At age 25? This is clearly nuts.

Hard agree. Run!

No no no. He’s a wrong’un. Who needs to railroad a 25yo into getting pregnant? Sounds like proper bad news.