Ultimatum or boundary? Need advice ... sorry for long explanation.

[UmberBird0602yipee]

Hi all. I've been with my boyfriend now 4 months after getting together in the April. It has been ok until the past few weeks. I had a conversation with him the other day that made me feel unheard and was unsure if he had issued an ultimatum or just boundaries.

Abit of context ...
I had a pregnacy scare when my period was late for a week, so I went to a sexual health clinic to talk about options to stop pregnancy. I'm not ready to have kids yet and since we have been together that short time I just want to be safe and feel safe when we did things. During the pregnacy scare I did bring up what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons. After this conversation, I was worried about bringing up the options.
We also had a conversation over text about when I would be ready for marriage and kids. I know not a good call to do over text. I said I wasn't sure when I would be ready and if he would wait for me. His responses where I need a time frame of when you will be ready.

the conversation ...
I approached it with him about the clinic and the options, and he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was disheartening and he took it far worse then i was expecting. He took it as a personal attack that I didn't trust him to keep me safe and to raise our hypothetical child. Then he just listed off reason for why I would do this e.g you think I would just walk out on you and the baby, is it because I'm black or my religion, my family can voucher that I'm a good person, stuff like this. I was crying as he didn't believe that I was just not ready to have kids yet and took it as a personal attack. Saying things like I wish I would have know this before. I wasn't trying to argue with him just wanted to be honest with were I was at.
i have told him in the past i dont want to be rushed into something like this and this feels like he is pressuring me. Once he calmed down once said all the reasonings possible reasons why not, he was abit better and realised how upset I was. I Approached the what if I can't have kids conversation as he was so detemined to have a kids with me and he just was adiment that no matter what that I would be able to have kids. He never once said during the conversation of what if I can't that he would be happy with just me. It was alot to get his head around and I understand that but just felt that he reacted so much worse then what I was expecting him to.

But anyway the Ultimatum...
He was asking when will I be ready. My responce I don't know.
His responce ... Well after a year in the together we need to start planning for the future. Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January. You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?
At this point I just agreed so that we could change the conversation so that I could think about how it went down and the conversation later when i was not around him. He then had a conversation with me about what he wanted our wedding to look like and he wants our little girl in the wedding when we have kids. I was quiet the rest of the time which he noticed abit but didn't push then I went home.

Is this an ultimatum or a boundary? It feels like an unlitmatum and I don't know how to handle this.

He is a really good guy and romantic but handled that conversation so much worse then expected then said the above. I'm 25 and he's 30 and he wants to get on and get married and live his life with kids. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know if I'm ready,.or if I would be by January with that pressure.

I just need a second opinion from people I don't know so they are more objective. If that makes sence.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded explination. Hope you can send me some wise words of wisdom. Thank you in advance for reading and your comments below. Means alot.

I would be interested to know what the significance of January is?

tbh I would get out of this relationship. It does not sound healthy or normal. He should not be pressuring you like this,

It’s irrelevant whether it’s an ultimatum or a boundary, all that matters is that you don’t want the same thing that he wants. Marriage and children isn’t something you can compromise on, it should be 100% yes for both of you, not one person compromising to make the other person happy - that’s a recipe for divorce and shared custody.

Time to put on your big girl pants and have a calm conversation that you are not in the same place as him. He may then decide he doesn’t want to continue the relationship, and that’s his prerogative. But to give in to his demands for marriage and children when that’s not what you want would be the biggest mistake of your life.

what he thought about people on the pill and abortions and he was set against them for multiple reasons.

His only reason is control. Seriously. He’s against abortion but he’s also “against” women using contraception that’s within their control??

Be ready for marriage and having kids with me by January otherwise I will be heart broken. We can have a relationship until then and I'll wait for you till then to be ready. We can meet eachothers family, move in together do whatever u need to do to be ready. But I want you ready in January.

Run.

I think it’s a hard one, and that the responses you get here would be different if the genders were reversed. Women are told on here every single day that “after X time a man knows so if they won’t commit to a family or babies they are stringing you along”.

Personally, I don’t really agree and I don’t appreciate the stance that everything has to be done according to one person’s timeline. Clearly these things are important to him, but it seems, like many women who post similar on here, that it is the wedding and the child that are a priority rather than who he ends up having them with and I don’t think thats a great way to start a family.

you need to dump him and run. you've only been seeing him for 4 months, it's completely nuts for him to be pushing conversations about being ready for marriage and kids.

boundaries are something you set for yourself. an ultimatum is what you issue to someone else to get them to do or not do somthing.

he's given you a totally unreasonable and batshit ultimatum. run far away and fast.

Whoa!
This is controlling behaviour from him.

How dare he. Four months in and he's telling you what to do?

No. Throw this one back. He's bad news @UmberBird0602yipee

Reading that sets off all sorts of alarms in my head

I think you need to run far far away in the opposite direction

He is NOT a "good guy" and he is NOT "romantic". He sounds absolutely terrifying to me. I'd run a mile. You sound about 12 not 25; what relationship experience do you have?

I personally believe this controlling behaviour. But that is just my opinion from past experiences in relationship.
I would advise you to seek therapy as I don’t think he will make it easy to walk away. You are right to be asking these questions and not willingly agreeing to all demands.

Whaaaaa - you’ve been together four months and this is where you at?

Mismatch of values
Pressure and control
No emotional support
Emotional manipulation

It it has not been said - loads of red flags, run

Run. Away

You're his breeding machine, Ew.

Stopped reading when you said he didnt believe in abortions. leave. 4 months is too short a time to have a post this long about your issues.

His behaviour is coercive. Even a year into a relationship would be very soon to try for a baby! It shouldn't be like this in the honeymoon period of a relationship. He will likely try and trick you into getting pregnant. Don't stay in this relationship, even if you were on the same page about babies it wouldn't be a good environment to bring a baby into.

He sounds nuts. Get out now.

You won’t have been together a year in January.. far too soon to be starting a family. And he wants your little girl that hasn’t been conceived yet in your wedding, so you will be caring for at least one young child before he will give you the financial and legal security of marriage. That explains his seemingly immature response to the possibility of you being unable to have children. Despite his ludicrous assertion that you will, he will almost certainly kick you to the kerb if you can’t.

This isn’t a man keen on setting a date for starting married life and a family. This is a man who likes his women tethered to him by children.

It's just the time line in his mind I guess. I just font understand the rush.

You can do your prevention for the pregnancy until that but after then it will need to be taken out or stopped. Is that a decision you agree with?

All of it is controlling behaviour, but this line really stood out. You have only been together for four months, and he’s telling you to be off contraception and be ready to be impregnated in January. That is not the sign of a good man.

You say he mentions his religion - what religion is this? One that’s against the pill and abortions but fine with premarital sex and getting pregnant out of marriage? What contraception have you been using instead? I’d guess it’s not very reliable one if you had a pregnancy scare.

He’s entitled to make his creepy and controlling ultimatum, of course, and you are entitled to say no. Which you should do, as a man who is pressuring you like this only four months into the relationship is worrying. I expect he will only get worse.

think it’s a hard one, and that the responses you get here would be different if the genders were reversed. Women are told on here every single day that “after X time a man knows so if they won’t commit to a family or babies they are stringing you along”.
Personally, I don’t really agree and I don’t appreciate the stance that everything has to be done according to one person’s timeline. Clearly these things are important to him, but it seems, like many women who post similar on here, that it is the wedding and the child that are a priority rather than who he ends up having them with and I don’t think thats a great way to start a family.

Relationship experience he is my first one ever. So that doesn't help. In my head I know he is a good gut but the way he reacted shows that he won't be there for me when it counts and will take what i say as a negitive thing not a conversation. Its just hard to see him that way and to come to terms with it. I'm just struggling.

It's been four months! That's partly why it's insane. If you said it had been six years, or a decade, you'd be getting different replies. But also the way he's expressing himself is aggressive. There are gentler ways to say 'sorry, this doesn't work for me', rather than 'you do this, or I'll...'

OP - you have been with him for only a matter of weeks and already he is demanding this and that, controlling what you can or cannot do, and imposing his views on you, insisting on a timeline and all the rest of it.

Please leave this relationship as soon as possible. His expectations are NOT normal.

See this makes it an even bigger red flag to me that he is puttong the pressure on you so soon into your first relationship. Why is it your first relationship ever? Are you very young or vulnerable?

Dump him and stop the struggling! 🤷‍♀️

Protect your peace.

You don’t know he’s a “good guy”. In fact you hardly know him. 4 months is nothing and him telling you that you better be ready to come off contraception by January or else is not the sign of a good man.
And of course he’s so traditional and religious that he’s against abortion and women choosing to use contraception, but is fine with premarital sex and wants to knock you up without marrying you. What a peach.