Good relationship overall, but are these warning signs about his behaviour?

[DearLilacBeaker]

Together with my partner 2 years, live together, talk of marriage this year.

There's a lot that's genuinely lovely — thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together and I do love him.

But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

Has anyone experienced something like this - where the good is real but there's also this harder pattern underneath? Did it ever genuinely change, or in your experience does this tend to be who someone is?

Being moody and ignoring you us abuse

Oh my lord, wise up OP.

You’d be monumentally selfish to have a baby with a man like this. Silent treatment, throwing / breaking things, anger issues, unkindness…

The biggest decision we ever make for our children is who their other parent is. Don’t lumber an innocent child with a shit dad. That’s what he would be.

Imagine his moods and anger issues with sleep deprivation and not being centre of attention on top.

You are 30. You want a partner and children and a happy family. So it’s time to grow up and make decisions that lead to having those things. Not stay with him and settle for a life with an abusive arsehole just because you’re afraid time might be against you.

Staying with him if you didn’t want kids would be foolish. Doing so knowing you do want kids would be incredibly selfish.

Don't settle for poor behaviour just because you're 30 OP. Imagine your life six years hence when you're married, with a baby, and he's bashing walls or damaging furniture because he's in a strop. Potentially it'll be worse because these behaviours generally escalate. Don't let the good times allow you to accept the abuse, and that's what it is. End it now. You still have plenty of time for the marriage/baby dreams to happen with someone who truly respects you.

Does he behave this way with other people, or is it saved for you?

I absolutely despaired reading that update. Young women walking further into abuse to chase a dream.
Which becomes a nightmare.
It is abuse, he is testing to see how far he can go now. Once there are children it gets worse.
For anyone who read Pink Poet’s threads, the DH there threw and broke things at the start. When we last heard from her, he was raping her regularly. It was hell.
Honestly if you can’t be warned at this stage by women who have been through it, it’s bloody pointless asking for any advice.

He broke a cabinet? This would worry me.

My husband is wonderful, he does occasionally get very angry and has been know to bang the table with his fist! Once - only once - he put his fist through the wall (a pap-type wall.) That was 10+ years ago. Nothing similar since.

So I would say - yes, there are good men who get very angry and sometimes the anger overwhelms them. But it needs to be a rare event and not directed at you.

Have you tried talking to him about it when he is calm?

Was just going to say exactly this

And was he apologetic after?

I wasn't directly in the room when the cabinet smashed - it's always away from me - but it was from the comment about going out to get milk it happened.

I said to him that wasn't OK and you need to get it fixed and he said yes I know the man's just not available at the moment.

We have a notebook in our kitchen we both use for various bits and bobs like lists and I saw he journaled in it (which he does regularly and will usually take out) and he put down the event and admitted that he got angry and it's for his deep routed issues of self doubt/not being loveable but then he said at the end it was kinda cool...

@DearLilacBeaker if this is real, and I worry it is, what are you going to do?
Would you happy if he did this with young children about?
It is not kinda cool. It’s kinda very, very concerning.

I think this poster is right. I will add that while I gave an example of my husband hitting something 10 years ago, he doesn’t do silent treatment or character assassinations.

You are 30, you have time on your side. I think it will be best to get out. Because the thing is - having kids is really, really hard. Parenting together is a huge test of any marriage, and any personality. Children are messy, difficult and don’t do as they are told. You are not in control and it’s a shed load of work. It takes a huge amount of patience and compromise as you agree the right path between your different parenting styles and the expectations you each have of how things will be based on your own upbringing.

Soneone who gets upset and breaks the furniture won’t be able to cope with it. So you won’t be having the happy family life that you so want with this man.

You keep defending him. And you’ll keep defending him even when he starts behaving even worse towards you.

Fucking hell, why aren't you running?

Gosh, he sounds nuts.

Bear in mind that in this day and age, these guys know how to use their deep rooted issues and trauma as an excuse. Everyone can build a mental health-related reason for every piece of bad behaviour.

Instead of their behaviour just being dismissed as not decent, not honourable and not good enough like it would have been 10+ years ago.

This bears repeating.

Any children you have inside this relationship will quickly become traumatised children. They will suffer lifelong effects on their neurodevelopment and their own relationships (friendships and romantic relationships).

You are unlikely to escape unscathed. I’m willing to bet that if you’re honest, there’ll always be a tension in your belly, a vigilance that you don’t relax, and that you moderate your behaviour in order to keep him calm.

Please make arrangements for a safe place to leave to, and break up with him somewhere public, in the daytime- not over a drink. Don’t tell him where you are living when you move. Don’t leave behind anything that’s intrinsically valuable or precious to you.

You are not in the Last Chance Saloon. This man is dangerous.
Please leave him. 💐

Surely no relationship is more important that an abusive one? Having kids with a man like this will only end in tears

You will find someone who is right for you, once you get rid of this abusive one!

...admitted that he got angry and it's for his deep routed issues of self doubt/not being loveable "

What a lot of old tot.

Nothing like smashing shit up and being violent for making a man more loveable. 🙄

... but then he said at the end it was kinda cool..."

So not exactly sorry and trying to do better? No, he thinks it's cool and does his ego good. 🙄

Don't bring kids into this, it's not fair on them. If you want to stay and probably end up with seven shades of shit kicked out of you, I guess that's your decision. But get your tubes tied.

Kids don't have a choice who their dad is, and what environment they grow up in.

Exactly.

There is a script abusers follow where they turn themselves into a victim. The OP will no doubt be bending over backwards to prove that he IS loveable, and if she just “tries harder” she’ll be able to fix him.

I bet he can control his anger when he’s at work, or in public, or with his mates.

Ime you won't be a good dm because your mental health will be shot to bits..
Doesn't your potential dc deserve much more ?

@DearLilacBeaker you’re ignoring the advice that this guy will cause you a lifetime of misery and latching onto the one person that gave you a sliver of hope that this is ok. You probably will marry this guy given how you’re responding here. I really hope for you and your future kids sake you don’t but we’ll all be here to advise you to contact women’s aid, the police, the mental health crisis team, an ambulance, a funeral director, social services etc. Because this is what your “lovely married life” will look like.

It’s a thin line between hitting cabinets and hitting you. He’s showing you that you’re next op. You are seeing his true colours now and those will be further exemplified from him after marriage. He will think you are trapped then and at that point the power and control will further ramp up against you.

He has a problem with anger, her anger, if or when she calls him out on his behaviour. He does not have an anger management problem because he can control himself. Such courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is what is being described here by the op.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad do similar to your mother?.

Abuse is not a relationship issue op, it’s about power and control. He wants absolute over you and you are not in the last chance saloon because you’re 30 and apparently see everyone else around you settling down. They are not.