Good relationship overall, but are these warning signs about his behaviour?

[DearLilacBeaker]

Together with my partner 2 years, live together, talk of marriage this year.

There's a lot that's genuinely lovely — thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together and I do love him.

But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

Has anyone experienced something like this - where the good is real but there's also this harder pattern underneath? Did it ever genuinely change, or in your experience does this tend to be who someone is?

This is how he behaves when you're not fully entangled, when it's relatively simple for you to walk away.

Once he's "got you" after marriage and children, it'll get worse. He'll be completely complacent you won't leave whatever he does to you.

You're only 30! Don't waste years of your life on an abusive man. You have time to find someone decent.

Don't make your future children have a father like that. It's not fair to them.

The biggest decision you will EVER make in your life is choosing the father of your children. Choose well. Choose wisely.

This man is a very bad choice.

I left my abusive exH a few weeks before my 30th birthday. He too had a habit of smashing things to bits when he was angry, and on one occasion kicked something so hard he broke several of his toes. The threat was always there - taking it out on an inanimate object this time, but next time... Yes, it did escalate to him being abusive to me as well.

Please don't stay with him. This will not go away. You cannot run the risk of having children with an aggressive man.

30 is not old - I went on to marry again and have dc.

If you stay with him, you will pay the piper in the end.

I find it extraordinary that anyone would need to ask this question!

We have just the one life. Why spend it with someone who you know will not make you happy?

Or is it that you must have a man at all costs?

OP, do you not know that his behaviour is not normal?
I encourage you to expect more from your relationships!

Ah OP , Jesus Christ, he breaks things when he is tormented !!
Paranoid & accuses you of shit cause his thinking is fucked up .
Doesn’t really involve you with his family .
These are HUGE, you need to get out of this relationship .
All the writing is on the wall , please read it before it’s too late .
You’re 30 years of age , you have your whole life Infront of you .
Stop panicking about kids , there’s women on here who have had their first child at 40 , second child at 42 living very happy lives .

But you’re not going to get a lovely married life. He’s starting to show you who he is. It will only get worse. I’ve been there and it got horrific.

You are already minimising his abuse. Do not marry this man or bring kids into this! Smashing things is not normal and will only escalate.

It’ll be worse when the children come. Ask me how I know…

Disappointing but you are only 30 and have plenty of time to find love again. This man doesn't even acknowledge that smashing up your home when he gets cross is a bad thing to do. He's unlikely to change any time soon and meanwhile you are in danger.

How do you know they're truly happy?

They could be, but also may not be. Don't base your life on others.

Leave this man and make space for someone who will love you how you deserve to be loved.

I met DH when I was 40. I had been trying to hold on to a previous 3 year relationship as I saw it as my last chance at getting married.

Wish I'd left sooner. There's someone out there, but you won't find them whilst still invested in the wrong man.

Op I wish I had the wisdom of the ladies on this board and the hindsight of my own experience and left my abuser when I realised what he is. I have a very mentally damaged daughter whom he turned his abuse onto when she was around 12. I left immediately after that but the post separation abuse was even worse, my children have had a terrible time and the eldest has been suicidal because of it. These are real consequences of your decision you make now and you WILL end up in the same position as us as these men get worse not better. You will categorically not have a “nice married life” with this guy. Run. Away.

He doesn't like you for who you are. He just likes having someone for company when he wants it and someone to have sex with when he wants it.

Picture yourself with an 8 month baby bump. He can't get the crib assembled just right so he smashes it into pieces instead then blames you for choosing the wrong one. An hour later it's like none of it happened and he's telling you what a great mum you are going to be. That's your future.

End the relationship now.

He is an abuser, and by remaining, you are enabling this behaviour. It’s a difficult truth, but an important one.

Still dealing with post-separation abuse seven years on. This is how it all began.

Once you are married with a child that cabinet will be replaced with your face.

He is testing you to see how much abuse you’ll accept. Run.

Don't settle for anyone who isn't kind, loving and treats you as a team, doing an equal amount of work and not terrible with money either. You would be bringing your future children into this.

It is better not to have kids than to expose them to this. Also how you feel pre marriage is very different afterwards when the abuse escalates and it gets expensive to walk away. Do yourself a huge favour and get out now while you still have time to meet someone and have kids. Please listen to those who have been there or seen it close up.

I’m guessing he keeps you separate from some of his family because he’s aware they might tell you what he’s really like. Some of them will probably have seen or know about specific incidents. He’s deliberately preventing you from knowing who he really is. For example, I have a female relative who to many in the family is bubbly and fun to be around. What many in the family don’t know, but I do, is that she once had a huge argument with her DH late one night after a family party that we all attended. My own DF received a call from her DH begging him to take him to the hospital. She’d hit him with a candlestick and shattered his wrist. To this day, most the family don’t know. But I do.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Your description sounds as though it was accidental or the cabinet was somehow to blame.

He throws things. He hits things. Recently, he hit a cabinet so hard he broke it and injured himself.

Have you tried flipping the order of how you priorities his behaviour in your mind? It might help you see that the good is actually a very basic good relationship. and what you are getting is just awful.

Together with my partner around 100 weeks, live together, talk of marriage this year. But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.
When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.
Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

He can also be thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together like you would expect on any relationship or friendahip so I know the abusive behaviour is a choice he makes.

Can you go back to where you lived before, 2 years is quick to be moved in already, bet it was his idea so he could control you more.

Actually the reason we moved in together was that my lease was coming to an end and his house mate was moving in with his girlfriend.

At first he said I want to come home to you everyday and then later in the conversation he said yeah and mainly I want to be able to do my work and not be disrupted (e.g staying over at mine).

We've had some lovely times here.

But when we first moved in he did this thing where he just didn't speak to me/very moody and I thought he was regretting his choice but I dunno if he has mental health problems but it was so annoying and I didn't get it. I remember I would say to my mum he gets really tired and moody...but I didn't think anything of it.

Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean marrying him will give you a happy married life. What would likely happen is the abuse would escalate and the nice times would reduce drastically, and you’ll have to watch happily married couples be in love while you’re scared of him coming home each night. You could easily meet a nice and safe man within a year and have kids etc within the next few years if you left him. You need to work on your boundaries and standards first though.

Actually the reason we moved in together was that my lease was coming to an end and his house mate was moving in with his girlfriend.

Never move in together for any other reason than the relationship is sound and you actually want to make a life together. Other reasons for moving in together should not be your deciding factors, there is too much at stake,

he definitely needs anger-management therapy. You can suggest it to him and you can also get yourself to safety in your own place, until he has proved he has taken the necessary steps to control his behaviour and re-earnt your trust. While you're living together he has zero incentive to change. He will make some very attractive convincing promises, none of which he will keep, he will just suck you back in,