Good relationship overall, but are these warning signs about his behaviour?

[DearLilacBeaker]

Together with my partner 2 years, live together, talk of marriage this year.

There's a lot that's genuinely lovely — thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together and I do love him.

But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

Has anyone experienced something like this - where the good is real but there's also this harder pattern underneath? Did it ever genuinely change, or in your experience does this tend to be who someone is?

Be very careful who you tether your life to.

he isn’t a good man, so it’s great you are only 30! You have plenty of time to meet someone new.

get rid and get yourself back out there

this will not end happily. Lots of women are telling you the same thing, please listen to us and your gut

It’s domestic abuse

Also do a Clare’s law request

Listen to your gut feelings OP, you know deep down this is not good. He has you walking on egg shells, you will shrink yourself to keep the peace and to stop him erupting. What you describe with the shifting sands and the sudden picking apart of your character - this man is not your friend. It doesn't matter how many good times there are, sorry it won't get better with this man.

Red flags don’t turn green

To be blunt - you're ONLY 30. The same age I was when I met my husband. I had my son at 35. (I've had had more, but endometriosis intervened.)

Do NOT make the mistake of thinking it's too late for you and you have to stick with this man because it's him or eternal childless spinsterhood. Get out of this relationship ASAP, because it's stopping you from finding a good man. Just to be clear - he is NOT a good man.

I agree with those saying that his mask is slipping. That tends to happen when they believe they have you trapped, and you have been talking marriage with him. It will slip further, he hasn't got you quite trapped, you can still walk away easily. (You can always walk away, but it's psychologically harder once married, kids etc.)

"When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him."
That will escalate, as sure as eggs is eggs. Get out now - you started this thread because your gut was telling you he's trouble, so trust your gut, trust the Mumsnetters who have personal experience of men like this and RUN.

Yes you are 30.. but if this escalates you might not see 35.. and he would be left in sole charge of any babies..
You are too young to settle for this ..

You deserve a "happy married life" @DearLilacBeaker

That man is unwilling or unable to behave in ways that would maintain one.

Please please plan your exit from this relationship. My ex was exactly the same. He was the most loving generous man I had ever met and to the outside world he was funny, humble and everyone adored him.
He was also the most angry, manipulative and evil man I had ever met.
I could never have predicted it in the first year but slowly the mask slipped , I was completely bewildered initially , it starts small but always escalates and nobody outside the home witnesses it.
The acting like nothing happened the morning after, the twisting the narrative if I did push for an explanation, the casting of themselves as the victim.
Before you know it your isolated, your confused and your clinging to the hope that’s is just ‘ a phase’ and they’ll return to what they were in the beginning .
By the time I couldn’t ignore the pattern any more and we were finished five years later he took me from a confident professional woman to a wreck. And nobody knew, no one saw.
Don’t be me , don’t make excuses for his behaviour . See him for what it is.
This is how it starts, it’s insidious, and it always always ramps up as they get more confident . He’s testing you to see what you’ll accept.

Get out and run. Get yourself intensive therapy and do a DA course such as The Freedom Programme and read ‘Why does he do that?’. You’re still so young. You will find the love you deserve.

I left an abusive relationship when I was 29. Unfortunately, I didn’t have therapy or really dig deep into it all and I ended up in another one without realising for a long time. We had a child together and now I’m trapped forever despite me leaving him. Having a child with an abusive man is so awful.

It never gets better. What you’ve described is violence that is more likely to escalate than disappear. You’ve noticed a pattern, trust your gut and get out.

He's violent. You just haven't been the target.

Yet.

I'd be out of there the first time he showed that violence. How are you going to have a lovely married life when you look at the holes in the walls or empty spots where your things he broke were or doors broken off their hinges? How are you going up like it when your kids run and hide when Dad comes home because they're hyper alert and they know he's in a bad mood? How are you going to be able to pay for your kids' therapy?

He's abusive. No, he will not change. He might go to jail. He still won't change. Do not have kids with an abuser, that's putting them in harm's way.

A lovely married life is the opposite of what you will have with this person, l'm afraid.

He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere

This is the way the control begins. It's to train you to never say anything that he doesn't agree with, or ever say anything that takes the limelight from him, or to talk about anything unless it is something to do with him. Everything will eventually have to be about him - whether he is being praised for a nice thing he did for you, thanked profusely for a normal household task, being asked about his day, talking about plans you have together etc etc etc.

Out of interest - does he tend to blow up if you make a small decision without his input, or if you talk about something in your life which isn't to do with him? (ie talk about something at work or about a friend or family?).
My ex would become positively frustrated if I indicated any kind of independence from him.

If you aren't sure, try it out (safely perhaps in a public place) and see if this triggers him. If it does - you need to carefully extract yourself from this relationship.

The physical reactions he has are violent and will slowly involve you. My ex would playfully hurt me at first just to show me his strength. The first time he hurt me properly was when he crushed my hand because I was going to take a plug out of a plug socket and he didn't want me to.

I managed to end it soon after that.

You won’t have a lovely married life with this man and you will have to leave to protect your children, I get it’s hard in your 30s to be single but it’s best to wait to you find something better, this behaviour is abuse and will escalate further. Get out now while you can x

Agree with everything said so far, would also add that if he's not including you with certain parts of his family he's hiding something. Possibly to do with historical behaviour he doesn't want you to know about. Believe me, I've been there, completely fucked my life. If you think you'll have trouble finding another man when you're 30, try it when you're a 40 something single mum with zero maintenance, no job and a dad who never turns up. Ever.

Please don’t marry this man.

I’ve read countless posts on Mumsnet over the years where it’s started as him breaking things, punching walls etc then things escalate to a push or a shove…before you know it you’re trapped with 2 kids and being used as his punch bag. it’s a sad predictable story.

come on, you can do better than this man!

This is domestic abuse and it is likely to get worse if you marry him.

and?

You can’t get that with an abuser. End this and move on, you will be safer and happier.

And also OP the physical abuse in pregnancy will be horrific, you already have the precursors and you dont want to go there. I was punched and so on throughout my pregnancy nobody should have to be that afraid.

This will not be happy.
Get out now.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

This is abuse
Imagine your future child getting hit in the head by a flying object

You're 30, not 70. And you won't have a nice blissful life with that man.

I was 30 when I left my abusive relationship. He began by smashing up stuff in the house too. It eventually turned to me.

Run. And don't look back.

then be grateful that you dodged a bullet. You won't get any of the things you want from an abuser

However good the good times are they don't make up for being frightened or abused. Ever. I've read it here before, would you eat a box of chocolates if you knew that 10% of them contained shit?

@DearLilacBeaker why sign up to a hard miserable life of hell?
There's better than that out there for you.
Believe me.