Good relationship overall, but are these warning signs about his behaviour?

[DearLilacBeaker]

Together with my partner 2 years, live together, talk of marriage this year.

There's a lot that's genuinely lovely — thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together and I do love him.

But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

Has anyone experienced something like this - where the good is real but there's also this harder pattern underneath? Did it ever genuinely change, or in your experience does this tend to be who someone is?

So you'll be fit for the run then! I'm sorry I don't mean to be facetious but this situation will only escalate. My ex was like this - utterly charming until he wasn't. Kicked things/broke things/threw things. Had serious anger issues. A few objective facts about such men and such behavior - it escalates, it does not change, and you will be miserable, and walking on egg shells around him. Do not marry him, do not enmesh your life and finances with him, definitely do not have children with him. Please go get some counseling - alone (not with him) - and ask yourself why you would not see this for the red flag it is. You are ONLY 30. Put this one down to youthful indiscretion and move on.

OP if you stay with this man and have children, social services will become involved. Your children could be removed if you dont follow a protection plan, which will involve separating from this man. In the meantime your children will have witnessed a parent unable to control his emotions. The world will feel unsafe for them. Plus if this is how he behaves now, how will he cope with the constant demands of kids. Children mirror behaviour, which will in turn impact on their own relationships.
Hopefully this is a clear enough explanation as to why this man is not a good option for you.

OP at 30 you've got absolutley bags of time xx Someone once told me when a violent man punches a wall or breaks a cabinet its what he's imagining doing to you or at least letting you know that he is capable of violence to frighten you enough that you stop doing the thing he dislikes. Its abuse, his mask is slipping and these things always escalate when you are actually trapped by marriage and kids.

30 is no age to consider settling for an abuser because of some perceived notion of being left on the shelf. It is easier to leave now before you actually have kids to worry about too, this will not get better or easier. Xx Take care OP, please consider contacting woman's aid or refuge for advice if you are worried about the ramifications of leaving.

Ime of course you ignore the breakages..
Then the coercive sex..
Then the nightly rapes during pregnancy.
Then your dc having their home trashed before their very eyes.

If you’re planning on having children with a man like this you are selfish, irresponsible and dangerous, how dare you bring innocent lives into this world knowingly into an unsafe environment. Get a grip, get help

Run the fuck away.

Breaking things is a threat: next time, it might be you he breaks.

I'm in my late-forties and single. Better that than being abused.

If you are staying out of fear of "being left on the shelf", give your head a wobble.

The fact that you say things "get thrown or hit" and the cabinet "got badly broken" instead of "he threw or hit things/he broke the cabinet" is telling. It's like you are minimizing or making excuses for him.

I get it - you love him, but at minimum you need to pay attention to this, as it is unlikely to go away on its own.

It's also not a great sign that he doesn't apologize or somehow acknowledge his own mistakes. The resentment towards you that he seems to have just under the surface, that bubbles up at random times is also not a good sign. Sorry, I hope you can get some clarity about this.

You will not have a lovely life if you stay with him

He's an abuser, a lowlife abuser.

Please get out of this relationship now. I dont want to be hearing about this in 5 years time when you have started having kids.

These are the sort of red flags I wish I had walked away from. I didn’t because I wanted marriage and babies. And I look back all the time at those red flags. Sometimes I dream and I’m telling myself run run run

... But you are only 30!!!

You’re describing an abusive relationship. You might want kids and to be married but research is clear, domestic abuse often escalates when there’s a pregnancy. Even if it didn’t escalate to physical abuse is his current behaviour really what you’d want to expose your kids too? What happens if he flings something or knocks furniture towards a newborn baby? Or do you think when you have a baby he’d suddenly be able to control himself, even on days when it’s crying relentlessly because it’s teething, has a cold, can sense the tension in the atmosphere etc?

You have loads of time to meet someone new and hopefully you will have learned from this relationship. Leaving now and protecting yourself will build your confidence going into a new relationship. My dd met a guy at 31 married at 33 and now is pregnant at 34. But dont waste any more time or energy on this guy.

Leave.

So old enough to understand the seriousness of abusive behaviour. This is not a good man.

this is a classic abusive relationship. It’s actually like what you would read in a textbook. I know you feel like you’re getting old at 30 - I felt the same! But you are not old and you are young enough to meet another man and have a wonderful relationship and a great life with children etc in the future. This relationship won’t be happy, I know you have to be brave to do it - but believe me you will suffer for the rest of your life if you don’t. Also he may never become violent to you, however he has a great way to stop any conversation that needs him to take accountability for your emotional wellbeing. You deserve so much more xx

You wont have this with him. Throw him out or leave. Move on.

gosh the ordinary moments turned into drama rings more bells than Notre Dame church. Let me guess - you are often taken by total surprise how whatever you said and did this time could have even offended him. But you also feel you can't question it, as why would someone who is supposed to love you lie about being hurt or offended? And if you question or explain, it will only escalate. So even during 'good' times, you always have this nagging feeling and worry that when will you next do something he will not like? Walking on eggshells.

@DearLilacBeaker you will never have a lovely happy marriage with this man. Never. He has already trained you to look past his abusive behaviour. Would you want any daughter of yours to have a man like him for a partner?

You’d have to be utterly insane to stay with him.

I’m much older than you op. I’ve been married and divorced, I’ve had several LTR. I’ve been with my current DP for thirteen years.

During all of those relationships, not once have I had a man throw or break anything. Nor have I had my character assassinated like this. This is not acceptable. Not once, ever.

you need to leave. Look I know it’s disappointing but this man will not give you the lovely married family life you crave. The only way he will ever change is getting worse.

Please don't marry him.

Do your future self a favour and leave him.

These issues are big red flags, your gut knows this which is why you are posting.

You are only 30. Your whole life can change immeasurably in a few years if you have the courage to end this. You won't have a happy ending with this guy.

This is not something you can in good conscience subject children too..that would be appalling.

You can decide to give your precious life to a name calling, abusive person, domestic violence partner (and abuse is periodic because that's how abusers enjoy it, attacking inanimate objects is DV) ...harming children would be very unkind rather than coping with being single at 30

Leave. Now. In the past women didn’t have a vast network like MN to ask such questions of, and many hoped for the best and ignored the bad bits. And found themselves in an abusive relationship. You have the benefit of all this advice. Please heed it.