Good relationship overall, but are these warning signs about his behaviour?

[DearLilacBeaker]

Together with my partner 2 years, live together, talk of marriage this year.

There's a lot that's genuinely lovely — thoughtful, generous, plans nice things, we have real fun together and I do love him.

But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off. He can turn very small, ordinary moments - an offhand comment, a mild question, even just me telling a harmless story - into something where I end up being told I'm rude, controlling, or having my character picked apart, seemingly out of nowhere. He also struggles to include me in parts of his life (some of his family, for example) without much explanation when I ask why.

When frustrated, it sometimes escalates physically - not towards me, but things get thrown or hit, and recently a cabinet got badly broken along with an injury to him.

Afterwards there's rarely much acknowledgment - things just go quiet and then reset to normal, sometimes with a nice gesture, but not really talked through.

Has anyone experienced something like this - where the good is real but there's also this harder pattern underneath? Did it ever genuinely change, or in your experience does this tend to be who someone is?

What you are describing OP is domestic abuse.
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/
I would be very worried that his throwing things and hitting things will escalate into violence against you.

Don't marry him, his mask is slipping.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

The saying is “when someone shows you who they are - believe them”. You recognise that it’s a pattern. I think you have that gut feeling - trust it. I’ve never been in a similar situation, so can’t help with any real advice, but others definitely will. 💐

Does it change? Yes, gets worse. They always start with throwing things, breaking things, punching walls. Has he 'accidentally' shoved or pushed you yet? That's usually next.

Run for the hills and don't look back!

...but i'm 30!!!

I remember reading on here ages ago that the 90% of good times don’t make up for the 10% bad times which inevitably increases over time. He will probably, having read a hundred similar threads on here, escalate the violence to you, potentially children. Don’t have kids with him, you’ll be forever connected. I think you should leave now, he isn’t safe, you risk your life with someone like this and if he won’t include you with his family after 2 years, what else is going on? A wife? Have you done a Clare’s Law on him?

You are in an abusive relationship

Sorry OP 😢

Eh? I don't understand
What relevance does your age have? Get rid of this man today

And @DearLilacBeaker ?

Sorry what has that got to do with your situation?

“But there's a pattern I can't quite shake off.” Read this back. You sound physically scared of him when he erupts. Yes, people have arguments or can disagree, but his are violent. Do you want to live in fear of his violence, or are waiting for the next time he turns nasty. That’s not a way to live.

i get you’ve invested two years of your life with him, and are thirty, but better to:be safe than sorry, and get out now rather than regret staying further down the line.

Sure it doesn't I thought I was going to marry him!

It's so disappointing - everyone around me is happy and married and I'm in this situation. I want kids, a lovely married life etc.

This is a very odd response, what has you age got to do with it? I get it, on the surface you think time is running out for you but my god this is very naive.

He's showing all the signs of being an abusive twat, he'll likely hurt you during one of these episodes and DARVO you all the way to the end of your sanity.

You have time to meet someone who won't do this to you

If you think you are old and need to settle down and want kids, then think about him breaking this furniture and injuring himself in front of your children. That will tell you everything you need to know about whether this is ok.

OP, I get you don't want to admit he's not Mr Right, and you feel you will never find anyone, but that's not true, and even if it was, being around things being broken, thrown, and you being blamed for tiny things is controlling and abusive. You are probably already trying not to make those little remarks or upset him because of this.

I'm sorry, this isn't what you want to hear, but deep down you have a nagging feeling this isn't right and you need to listen to that inner voice, it knows of what it speaks.

Imagine him acting this way with a 2 year old and a 6 month old baby in the room.

Having been in a relationship like this, im telling you it just gets worse. Starts wirh things being hit but in the will turn his attention to you.
Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells? Worried of saying something thst might offend him or start something. Its abuse. Leave while you can

You're only 30. You've got years ahead of you for marriage and babies. Please don't stay with this vile man out of un needed desperation

Yes and there's a chance you'll be dead by 32 if you stay with an abuser.

You will not have a happy married life with this man OP. Much better to be single and safe than married to an abuser.

You are in an abusive relationship.

You will not have a happy marriage, or happy children, with this man.

Speak to Women’s Aid and don’t waste another day of your life with this man. You won’t meet the one while you’re with an abuser.

you can't have a lovely married life with an abusive man. Can you imagine your little children hiding somewhere because dad is angry and smashing furniture?

I had to walk away from an abusive shit at 29 and I’m glad I did as I’m twice that age now. I thought I was ‘getting on’ but now I realise I had plenty of time.
A man throwing and breaking things in a home terrifies children. If you want to bring up kids with a lifetime of physical health and mental issues, stay with this guy.
If you stay it’s a case of fuck around and find it.
He is an abuser.
Or walk away, get some therapy and then meet someone else.

Also, right now you are the least stressed you will ever be. If you marry and have kids, you will both be sleep-deprived and very stressed out- what will happen then? Will he criticise you in front of the kids, throw things, lash out? OP, I think you know the deeper darker side is worrying but you are hoping he will change. He probably will, for the worse, I never heard of anyone who is scary who becomes nicer over time.

But not to a violent man.