Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

I suspect the fact he doesn’t have boobs might be the problem.

This nails it: make it his problem.

Tell ex you're not going without the baby and tell ex to explain it to the kids. Don't even sweat it.

I agree with this. Perhaps also research any local nanny services that would be able to provide a nanny for just one day and say to him "if none of your family can supervise the children then perhaps you would care to hire a nanny for the day. I have found this company that offers very reasonable prices, so it should only cost you £500 for the day. I'm sure you would be happy to pay this as you don't want my baby there and I cannot attend without the baby."

Lots of us have babies and breast feed them. That doesn't mean their fathers are not capable nor that we shouldn't have had children with our husbands. There is also the possibility that OP might have only just given birth/might have stitches/might be exhausted/might not feel up to travelling to a wedding with all the children.

This is your ex's problem to deal with, not yours

Your ex needs to sort out the childcare. Book a childminder or a nanny to come to the wedding.

Well neither of you have exactly let the grass had chance to grow have you - pretty sure I have food in the cupboards I’ve had longer

TBH if you can’t leave the newborn for a couple of hours during the ceremony bit with the father/ boyfriend one wonders why you had a baby with him in the first place

and yes I’d have him come to the hotel later on with the baby so you can breastfeed

Can't the baby stay with grandparents ? I completely understand them wanting child free except for his own children

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet.

That's presumably because they don't know they are needed.

Your ex needs to ask them!

I agree that it’s not your problem to solve, your children want to go and they want a baby sitter, so you need to go, except you can’t if your baby can’t attend .. your ex needs to step in and either get his parents to supervise the children or stop being so precious about a newborn who will be no problem

@Maddy70 If the grandparents are the new breastfeeding model then this is a good solution.

Crikey, just seen the ages of your DC.

Would you go to anyone else's wedding entirely on your own to look after a new born, and a 6,4 and 2 ?

The 2 and to some extent the 4 year old would need to be tightly supervised in a strange venue, which won't be toddler proof, with glasses, little fingers in heavy doors doors, car parks, large groups of adults tripping over them etc. I would have needed to be in grabbing distance at all times with mine at that age.. especially as you say they are very excited about it. 2 year old over tired and needs nap. 4 and 6 year old want to stay at the party.

And its not just the baby crying.. The two year old having a tantrum? Dragging all three with you, so that one can go to the loo. Finding someone to watch them so that you can go to the loo. How will you keep them under control when you are breastfeeding or baby is puking up all over you? And they will be trying to get attention from their Dad all day who will think that you should be doing more supervising them so that he can enjoy his day.

Not to mention feeling like the unpaid nanny all day.

Madness.

No, you do not attend the wedding without your baby. To be honest, he should be grateful that you'd even consider attending with a small baby, and he should be trying to make the day as easy for you as possible. Looking after a baby, toddler and slightly older children is not going to be easy.

I think this is their way of saying that they don't really want you there, but want to be seen to have invited you.

Absolutely @OneNewEagle , I don't understand why women keep having babies with these feckless fathers who can't or won't breastfeed.

They only have themselves to blame.

I can see why you split up.

He doesn't get to have you solve his problems or prevent his children being disappointed.

Remind I'm that he needs to sort it out and leave it too him and his wife

He doesn't want drama? He doesn't? I'm very glad you're not with him anymore.

If your baby is banned, you can't go. So he'll have to find childcare for his own children.

What a couple of wankers. They deserve each other

Just go for the wedding ceremony then leave and take the dc home with you they are young enough to not know any different. You can’t leave a newborn for the whole day. Grandparents could have offered their help but they haven’t. This isn’t your issue to sort it is the children’s dads.

It’s not unreasonable for you to not want to leave your newborn. I had a child free wedding but had one newborn as baby was born a few weeks before we got married and obviously very young babies need to be with their mother almost full time.

I would just tell them that unfortunately you will be unable to come as will need to look after your newborn. Ex will need to sort someone to look after his own children at his own wedding.

You are v much not being unreasonable and frankly this isn’t your issue to sort either. And it is perfectly understandable you don’t want to leave your baby behind and it isn’t your responsibility to deal with it

Yeah, this is the solution here. It sounds like OP is invited purely to be childcare to their shared children.. and the child they don't share isn't welcome. Unfair.

Sounds like you’ve only been invited so that your ex’s kids can attend and you can then watch them for him.

I would talk to your ex and say either your newborn needs to come as you’re planning on EBF, or he needs to sort out childcare for HIS children to attend HIS wedding. They need to sort it out, you don’t need this level of stress/aggro whilst pregnant. You were doing him a favour by attending.

Honestly? I wouldn’t go. At a push, just take them to the wedding ceremony and the photos, then leave. The children are 2, 4 and 6. They won’t know or care. If ex wants them there so badly, he can sort out childcare. Why should you be the one to sort it? Your ex will be too busy at his wedding to spend any time with his children, it’s ridiculous to expect you to facilitate any of this.

I also couldn't think of anything worse than attending whilst being sleep-deprived, overseeing the care and tantrums of two small children, being 3 weeks post partum and almost certainly not looking my best whilst the new wife is looking her very best with professional make-up and hair etc. I would personally feel so paranoid about people making comparisons. All of the guests will be acutely aware of you and your baby's presence and wondering what on earth you are doing there. It sounds like utter hell and more drama than it is worth. Protect your peace and stay at home with the baby.

What’s that got to do with the issue in hand, how it is helpful and why are you so judgy?