Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

You don't have to tell them anything...he does. Its his wedding, he needs to take responsibility in telling his kids if he can't sort it so they can go. Tell him you aren't going and aren't going to involve yourself... it's his arrangements to sort

I agree with most of this,

But I also think its crazy to promise someone you could chaparone other children when you have a four week old baby in tow. Because all newborns are different and you just don't know how the birth will go and whether its an easy baby or one screaming with colic. (I hope not)

You may not , OP, even be sure how YOU will feel after the birth. You may be fine and dandy, ready to get togged up and do your best.. Or you may be sleep deprived, recovering from the birth (hopefully not) or just not up to it for 101 reasons.

All of this is fine if its a casual family barbeque, but this is a wedding.. and a delicate situation at that.

You really shouldn't go, you shouldn't be offering to take care of your other children at a formal event whilst having to stop and breast feed. My newborns seemed to breast feed all day at the start, then needed changing.. you cannot watch your other children like a hawk whilst dealing with all of that.,

I can already see so many things wrong with this equation. So many things could go wrong. And its not like you are there amongst allies. You are there as the ex. However well you get on. Any mishaps will be put down to you creating drama, however unjustified. I say that Having twice been to weddings with newborns in tow. (and with mastitis from the second not breastfeeding well) And I wasn't one of the central characters like you - Mother of the Ex's DDs . You will be dreading it from now until the event and possibly after as well.

You have to say NO.

Your ex has to find someone who will supervise the children all day. Pay them if necessary. He's just being lazy. If he has shared custody they must know someone. It's not that hard.

I agree with pps who said new Wife doesn't want you there, and possibly the DDs too and is quietly trying to make it a you problem. That's why you should keep out of this mess as much as possible. Its fine for your DDs to get excited and support them with all the fripperies and enjoy the pictures. But don't let yourself get drawn into someone else's drama. Cuddle your newborn and enjoy a day of peace instead.

There’s a lot of unstructured milling about at a wedding while photos etc are being done. Could your bf have the baby during the ceremony and meal but join you with the baby for the bit in between? Don’t ask - just present that as your solution and if it doesn’t suit the bride and groom, they can arrange an alternative.
Agree it is not reasonable to expect you to leave a bf newborn for hours on end. They will have to compromise!!

Temporary amnesia is the answer.

Take the baby and the DC to the wedding.

She's hardly going to kick off as she walks down the aisle - she'd look like a right arse if she tries to kick out a woman and her baby

Not your problem to solve. Tell him you can’t leave your baby and it is up to him to make suitable arrangements if he wants his children there. That is the end of the conversation.

It’s your ex’s problem to solve, looks like he’s going to have to look after his own children for the wedding, he best have thwm them the night before so he can get them all ready, you know, like a parent.

I would whack this straight back on your ex “I am unable to attend without my newborn and therefore unless you are able yo find someone suitable to accompany our children none of us will be in attendance”

The children are his children.
you say to your ex, “if you want your children and your wedding you need to work it out because I will have a tiny baby”

No she doesn't. She can tell her ex if he wants his children to attend he has to sort something out.
She doesn't have to do anything. She certainly doesn't have to get someone else to look after her newborn breastfed baby for a day.

Would it be too contentious to suggest that the 2 year old could stay at home? Making it easier for his relatives to look after the older 2?

Since he thinks something can be 'worked out' I would say "It isn't possible for me to leave a 3 week old breastfeeding baby to mind the kids during your wedding. Very happy to drop them off and collect if you can get one of the family to keep an eye on them? Or I can come but take the baby out during the ceremony and speeches if someone can mind them for those bits, if baby crying is what is worrying Herself. What do you think?"

That gives him choices and it isn't you causing drama.

The entitlement is staggering. He's marrying another woman and he still expects you to do his wife work? Nah, you've got better things to spend your time on than that.

You are happy to attend with your shared children and your baby. That is already extraordinarily generous. He gets two options: either you attend with the baby or he makes alternative arrangements. Don't engage in any further conversation, just ask him which option they want to go with.

Agree with this.

Normally the ex wouldn’t be invited anyway, so the groom would have to either look after his children or rope in one of his own family members.

why should she bother talking to her. They are using her for childcare. Let the pair of them off, stay at home with your newborn OP and let the cookie crumble.

You will be approx 3 weeks post partum at the wedding that seems a tall order for you to care for 3 children all day at a wedding without some support around you even if you leave a 3 week old with someone else,which isnt easy to do when the baby may only be days old and establishing breast feeding/your recovery .
You and your ex need to arrange someone to take care of the children at the wedding .

Decline for you & leave it at that.

Even without the newborn you'd probably just have been looking after the three kids anyway.

If he's that bothered he'll find a way.

They want the three kids there looking all cute, and you’re just invited as a chaperone.

They don’t want you there particularly OP. I’m not saying they’re bad people, I’m saying they don’t care about your presence other than as a childminder. Bear this in mind when you decide how helpful to be.

You and your ex need to arrange someone to take care of the children at the wedding .

Her ex does if he wants them there.

Op needs to leave him to it.

Thats a bit shit on the new wife

How many people would want their new husbands ex with their new baby at their wedding?

The useless father needs to arrange it so that he has appropriate childcare for his children at his wedding, that isn't his ex wife with her newborn.

He needs to step up and make his own arrangements and not rely on his new wife being uncomfortable, or his ex wife putting herself out to try and make arrangements

YANBU. Tell them that if the newborn can’t attend you won’t be able to either but will be happy for the children to attend if he can arrange somebody to take them. It is absolutely not your problem to sort childcare or anything else for the wedding. They’re his children as much as yours and it’s his wedding so be needs to work it out. If he can’t that’s on him for not allowing you to bring your newborn.

Your EX is being a coward Op, he doesn't want to be in trouble with his bride to be or you so he's trying to duck out of this problem. Quite honestly this isn't your problem to solve, pass it back to him, it's all of you or he finds someone to look after the DC.

It might be a good idea to prepare the children for bad news. It doesn't sound as if it will end well. Feck him and his no drama. Spineless git

The OP hopefully will not rock up at her ex's wedding uninvited. I'm sure she has more than a shred of dignity and doesn't fancy a scene, hostility and drama from the other attendees.

Yep, lazy bastard.

He's manipulating OP by saying "ooh don't want any drama" to shut her up and acting like it's nothing to do with him.

No mate, they're your kids.

Op why are you even thinking about going/leaving the baby?

It's really not your problem.
Dad wants his kids there, then he arranges someone to look after them. If your new Abby can't come then that also means you can't be there.
It's not on you to sort anything.