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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

491 replies

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 20:53

Exactly how newborn will the baby be?

Oldandnonethewiserlol · Yesterday 20:56

Could a relative or friend help you look after the baby at the venue so you can attend the ceremony with your children and then be able to attend to your baby’s needs at various points during the reception? Any cousins, aunties who could help out? You’ll also need ear defenders for the baby if the music is too loud during the dancing session unless you leave earlier with your children.
We employed a baby sitter who came to the venue and stayed with baby in a quiet place in the hotel and took him outside in the pram (they did not attend the reception) at a family wedding.

Tulipsriver · Yesterday 20:58

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 15:37

The DC are 6, 4 and 2 (will have just turned 3 by the wedding)

Theyre not tiny babies obviously but they still need watching, especially the then 3yo and I dont really think its fair to just expect someone who isnt their parent to be responsible for them all day without actually asking them first

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet. My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

And I dont really want to bring my bf and have him sitting in a hotel room with the baby all day either, especially when I want to breastfeed. The baby would be with me most of the time anyway

I could go for a couple of hours but then who is watching the DC while im with the baby? Thats the bit I dont understand

They have specifically said the baby isnt invited but the DC are, so surely they need to have some sort of plan for the DC if they want them there

I do understand that babies can cry and its their wedding, im not saying they have to have a screaming newborn through the ceremony 😂 but I dont think its unreasonable for me to say im not leaving a newborn for hours just so I can go and provide childcare for my exs children

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

Generally, I'd completely agree and wouldn't leave my newborn for a wedding. But your children are so young and already (presumably?) live with a stepfather and a new half sibling. Now their dad is getting remarried and seems to care more about 'drama' than making sure they can attend... That's a hell of a lot for young children to cope with.

In this scenario, I'd do whatever I possibly could to ensure they could attend the wedding. Yes, their dad should be taking control of the situation, but I'd be too worried about them feeling pushed out to care about responsibility it is 🤷‍♀️.

endofthelinefinally · Yesterday 20:59

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 20:53

Exactly how newborn will the baby be?

According to the OP, she is 35 weeks, wedding is in 8 weeks. So baby could be born any time between 37 and 42 weeks. Chances are baby will be pretty new and approximately 2 to 4 weeks old. It isn't an exact science, which contributes to the difficulty of planning. Op could have an easy delivery or could end up with a C section. Again, it isn't possible to say with certainty.

BirthdayTrash · Yesterday 21:00

My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

point out that he is 50% of the “we” and as it’s his event and they are his children he needs to come up with some solutions. I.e. one or more of his relatives need to look after the children for the day.

katmarie · Yesterday 21:02

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · Yesterday 15:03

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out,

What a shit...

"Dave I thonk uou are confused.
I am doing YOu a favour. I'll have a 4 week old baby... Gemma is childless so i give her the bemefit of the doubt as she may not appreciate what she's asking.
Ultimately this is about you and her not me...There is no "working it out between us" this isnt a me problem, it's a you problem.

its pretty simple.
I'm happy to chaparone the kids if you want but I'll need my newborn with me.
If you both refuse to allow me to bring my newborn you need to:

  • find someone else to mind them
  • mind them yourselves
  • or look your children in the eye and tell them they cant come because gemma wont let mummys baby come.

I'm heavily pregnant dave so not really fussed but as I see it I am doing you a favour.
Ultimately this will impact your relationship with your children so maybe take an interest instead of shrugging your shoulders.

What a loser....

Edited

I think this is absolutely spot on, it’s his problem to solve, not yours

lordbaddingham · Yesterday 21:02

PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 20:12

But he isnt doing any of this.

What he has done is ask his ex (who he was on good terms with) to come to the wedding to watch the kids. She said yes. His wife to be has pulled rank and said "You can't bring your partner or your baby", probably in the hope that@TreadlngWater and/or her kids dont come. The ex has said "Sort it out between you I dont want the drama" which is translated as "I asked you, you said yes and now my fiance is pissed off with me, and I can't be arsed to deal with it. Given that first you and now her, have always done everything for me, sort this out for me too".

Which is why so many of us are saying that she needs to wash her hands of it and hand it back to him. "As I have been told my baby can't attend and s/he is exclusively breastfed, I wont be able to attend either. I will drop the kids at yours the day before so you can sort alternative supervision". Of all the people concerned it is categorically NOT the OP's problem (and even less so her DP!).

Show quote history

Well, yeah, I did also say on another post it was for him to sort out the childcare for his own wedding but this was a reply to a post saying apparently it was fine for her newborn to not be invited as it was a child free wedding when actually of OP was kind enough to say she'd bring her kids with the newborn then it was just a massively ungrateful response of say she couldn't bring the newborn. But if OP is happy to do that then it seemed like a compromise. Of course now he has shown his true colours so she just needs to tell him it's his problem to solve.

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · Yesterday 21:03

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 20:53

Exactly how newborn will the baby be?

It's in the OP

  • the wedding is in a couple of months (ie approx 8-9 weeks)
  • OP is 35 weeks pregnant now (ie giving birth in 4-6 weeks)

So the baby will be probably less than 5 weeks old, possibly only 3 weeks, depending on the unpredictable nature of actual date of birth.

Anything less than 12 weeks old, baby is still in "4th trimester" and it's silly to commit to any kind of complex event, you have to take each day as it comes because every baby is different but very few are easy and undemanding.

TheJoyousHiker · Yesterday 21:04

I think it’s a cop-out for your Ex to be leaving this to you to sort out. I’d explain to them both that you will not be leaving your newborn at home, therefore they need to find a babysitter to look after his/your three children. Otherwise you can’t see how the children can attend the wedding.

Then don’t engage with them about it any further and concentrate on your new arrival.

PestoPastaLife · Yesterday 21:05

This isn’t your problem to solve. Explain to your ex that you won’t be able to come as the baby isn’t invited. He can let you know when and where to drop off the other children. Smile pleasantly throughout. No drama from your end. He just needs to let you know what he would like to do.

BeeDavis · Yesterday 21:11

MyDarlingRose · Yesterday 15:45

Gosh you’ve both moved on fast. A 2 almost 3 year old together and he’s getting married and you’re about to have another baby?

Edited

Literally this!! It’s no wonder kids are fucked mentally these days with how their parents just move on to another family in barely any time at all.

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · Yesterday 21:12

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · Yesterday 15:03

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out,

What a shit...

"Dave I thonk uou are confused.
I am doing YOu a favour. I'll have a 4 week old baby... Gemma is childless so i give her the bemefit of the doubt as she may not appreciate what she's asking.
Ultimately this is about you and her not me...There is no "working it out between us" this isnt a me problem, it's a you problem.

its pretty simple.
I'm happy to chaparone the kids if you want but I'll need my newborn with me.
If you both refuse to allow me to bring my newborn you need to:

  • find someone else to mind them
  • mind them yourselves
  • or look your children in the eye and tell them they cant come because gemma wont let mummys baby come.

I'm heavily pregnant dave so not really fussed but as I see it I am doing you a favour.
Ultimately this will impact your relationship with your children so maybe take an interest instead of shrugging your shoulders.

What a loser....

Edited

This is a really well-worded response if you do want to martyr yourself doing solo childcare for 4 in order to facilitate your ex's new bride whilst still recovering from birth and possibly with a still-healing perineum and mastitis. It would be a "nope" from me.

Kelticgold · Yesterday 21:19

It seems to me that your ex has invited you as a babysitter, but I am a cynical.

He probably asked around before inviting you, but who would want the responsibility of looking after 3 small kids, when they could be sipping wine instead?

MusicalRocks · Yesterday 21:19

Message your ex and say you don't want drama either but none of this is your issue to solve. you arent leaving your new born and they don't want the new baby there whitch is fine but it's now his and his fiances problem to sort out who is having/looking after the kids on his wedding day and you expect to be told by X date what the plans are as this is nothing to do with you anymore.

PinkyFlamingo · Yesterday 21:29

Well if don't want to leave your baby you need to yell ex that he has to sort arrangements for his children.

Hedgehogbrown · Yesterday 21:36

Obviously a newborn baby can't be away from their mother. She doesn't want you there. She doesn't want your kids there. You can't go if you can't take your newborn. So the only options are that the kids don't go, or the ex sorts something out with them. Its not you causing drama it's him and his fiance. They are his kids and he needs to have a say if they come or not. Also why not tell them they can't go because of them? Are you going to cover for them?

TheFormerMrsTruelove · Yesterday 21:36

My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

Fantastic. Tell him that you’ve packed don’t want drama either, so you’re very happy you’re all in agreement. You can’t leave the baby as you’re planning on breastfeeding so if he and/or his fiancée let you know what solution they come up with, you’ll go along with it.

Hedgehogbrown · Yesterday 21:36

Also by the way spending all day at a wedding with three kids and a newborn sounds like utter hell to me.

BeUmberMember · Yesterday 21:37

I suspect the bride won't want your newborn at her wedding as he/she will deflect attention from herself on to you and your baby. I am surprised she has invited you and feel that she was probably co -erced into that decision. I really would not want to attend as its their personal happy day at which you will only be a polite onlooker. If your ex cannot sort help with childcare for your joint children, keep them with you and your partner and arrange a special day out with them in the future or even before the birth to compensate. You will find it will be a win win situation as young children don't really enjoy weddings anyway. A trip to the funfair and Macdonalds will be more up their street.

grasslooksdead · Yesterday 21:53

MsSquiz · Yesterday 16:53

Why should OP do all of this??

their father is getting married. If he wants his children there, he needs to sort the arrangements to make it happen!

I have never heard of inviting your ex to your wedding to look after your children! My ex SIL got married to her new husband, they both have children, their children were part of the day, mainly supervised by their grandparents during meal and at reception and stayed with the grandparents overnight.
no ex partners were required to attend!

Show quote history

The only reason I think she should do it is because it would probably take around 10 minutes searching on the internet and if her ex then realises that if he wants his children to attend his wedding, he would have to pay say £500 for a nanny, then he might rethink the drama he wants to avoid and changes his mind (or his wife's mind) about the baby coming.

Whilst the OP is not bothered about going or not, she doesn't want her children to =e disappointed.

Jinglejangle2525 · Yesterday 22:02

@TreadlngWater I think you are making this into a “you” problem when it’s not. You can’t go to the wedding as you can’t bring your baby. You aren’t stopping the kids from going. But you can’t go. So your ex needs to make arrangements for someone to accompany the kids. Whether it be him, Grandparents, a friend, or a mixture of all 3…but all you need to do is tell him that as the baby isn’t invited you can’t go so he needs to sort of the care for the kids on the day of the wedding. Responsibility back in their court. End of.

garibaldibiscuit · Yesterday 22:06

DancingNotDrowning · Yesterday 18:52

Good for you!

there is nots a chance I’d have left my newborn baby for an hour let alone several.

but each to their own I guess 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I guess I was fortunate not to be a velcro mother, and they were of course absolutely fine with their father.

SilverTotoro · Yesterday 22:14

They’re making it impossible for you to attend. I wouldn’t bend just say as it stands you will have a breast fed newborn so if the baby can’t attend you can’t either. They will need to find another family member to look after the children. I do wonder if they are pushing this as they’d actually rather the kids don’t attend but don’t want to say so as they’re aware how terrible it would look and how upsetting the children would find it.

Imbusytodaysorry · Yesterday 22:15

@TreadlngWater baby can be left with its father while you attended with your other kids .

endofthelinefinally · Yesterday 22:28

I am amazed at all these women who were able to express enough breast milk to be able to leave a 3 or 4 week old baby for hours. Not only that, but apparantly fit and well enough to be confident they could happily take and look after 3 small children at a wedding. Obviously superwomen.
Personally I wouldn't have managed expressing, at 4 weeks I was still in pain with stitches, bleeding, breasts leaking and I would have been miserable leaving my baby. Not to mention the tiredness.
I don't blame OP for feeling put upon.