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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

491 replies

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
lordbaddingham · Yesterday 19:58

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.

That's rubbish. He is relying on the OP to look after his kids at the wedding but at the same some making it v difficult for her to do so as she will have a newborn he has banned from coming. It feels utterly controlling. Why on earth should OP leave a newborn at home to facilitate this. He could quite easily say it's fine for OP to bring her newborn so his kids can come which would be the sensible way to solve this for everyone. He can be reasonable or not, his choice.

Fatsnowflake · Yesterday 19:58

I am amazed at the number of posters who seem to think leaving a newborn is perfectly normal and that it is also perfectly normal to offer your childcare services during your ex's contact time so he can get married.

Thirtygoesataname · Yesterday 20:10

If you and your current bf were to get married then you would need to figure out who is looking after them or do it yourself. Im guessing you wouldnt turn to him and say you and the children are invited and if you dont come you need to organise who will look after them. Its so bloody ridiculous its laughable. He is their dad, he is getting married so HE needs to figure out who will look after HIS children. Even if you weren't breastfeeding it would still be totally normal to not want to be apart from your baby who is only a few weeks old.

Anotherdisposableusername · Yesterday 20:10

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.

This is not complicated. If they don't want the newborn there, then family of groom or bride will have to provide care, or groom forks out for paid childcare for the day.

Absolutely insane to me that anyone should think this is his ex's problem to solve - or, in fact, his fiancee's. It's not the OP's wedding, and they aren't the bride's kids.

His wedding, his kids, he can put his big boy pants on and find a solution.

Aluna · Yesterday 20:10

Globules · Yesterday 15:49

Your final paragraph here nails it.

Their father needs to sort the childcare for his children to attend his wedding. He needs to ask his parents or a sibling to take responsibility for them during the day.

Show quote history

This.

PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 20:12

lordbaddingham · Yesterday 19:58

That's rubbish. He is relying on the OP to look after his kids at the wedding but at the same some making it v difficult for her to do so as she will have a newborn he has banned from coming. It feels utterly controlling. Why on earth should OP leave a newborn at home to facilitate this. He could quite easily say it's fine for OP to bring her newborn so his kids can come which would be the sensible way to solve this for everyone. He can be reasonable or not, his choice.

Show quote history

But he isnt doing any of this.

What he has done is ask his ex (who he was on good terms with) to come to the wedding to watch the kids. She said yes. His wife to be has pulled rank and said "You can't bring your partner or your baby", probably in the hope that@TreadlngWater and/or her kids dont come. The ex has said "Sort it out between you I dont want the drama" which is translated as "I asked you, you said yes and now my fiance is pissed off with me, and I can't be arsed to deal with it. Given that first you and now her, have always done everything for me, sort this out for me too".

Which is why so many of us are saying that she needs to wash her hands of it and hand it back to him. "As I have been told my baby can't attend and s/he is exclusively breastfed, I wont be able to attend either. I will drop the kids at yours the day before so you can sort alternative supervision". Of all the people concerned it is categorically NOT the OP's problem (and even less so her DP!).

Dancingonlies · Yesterday 20:14

I would message him and say

  1. It is not possible for you to attend without your baby
  2. it’s obviously very important the children are there and you fully support that although sadly you will not be able to attend in light of the no baby rule
  3. therefore here are some links to some wedding nannys and you suggest he book one to support him with caring for his children during his wedding as you understand he wouldn’t feel able to care for them alone.
chirrupybird · Yesterday 20:16

Just take the baby who will care, if asked just say it wasn't possible to not bring them. It's not like they need a seat.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · Yesterday 20:19

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.

What absolute bollocks.

She can't go without the newborn baby because she intends to breastfeed.

So given that, what do you suggest she does?

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · Yesterday 20:23

Fatsnowflake · Yesterday 19:58

I am amazed at the number of posters who seem to think leaving a newborn is perfectly normal and that it is also perfectly normal to offer your childcare services during your ex's contact time so he can get married.

I'm amazed at the number of posters who think a breastfed newborn can be left with its father (or grandparents) for a day.

This is a parenting site, FFS.

And not many people would start introducing expressing and a bottle so early for fear of disrupting feeding. And who would change the way their newborn is fed or how they have chosen to handle feeding in order to facilitate an ex's wedding?

Batshit.

DelphiniumBlue · Yesterday 20:26

Nevermind31 · Yesterday 18:36

Hey Ex - if baby can’t come I obviously can’t come. When and where do you want me to drop off the kids?

no need for you to sort anything…

Fine, but Op might not be able to drop off the kids- if the new baby will only be a few weeks old, OP might not be in a position to drive. None of the wedding arrangements should depend on her as she might still be hospital/need a CS and be unable to drive or do much else.

SayWhatty · Yesterday 20:28

Dear Ex and fiancee,

I hope the wedding prep is going well.

As you know I will have new baby by the time of your wedding day. I will be breastfeeding and unable to leave the baby.

Can you choose one of the following options:

  1. I bring the kids and the new baby, to allow me to look after the kids at the wedding.
  2. You arrange for someone else to look after the kids. I can drop them off and pick them up.
  3. The kids don't go.

Let me know once you 've picked.

Best Wishes,

extremely reasonable ex-wife

risingup · Yesterday 20:30

as other pp have said, just pass it right back to him.

Whenever he mentions it just say "I honestly don't know what to suggest".

Terfarina · Yesterday 20:33

Even if newborn was invited, a new mum plus 4 kids is a challenge - really odd that the baby's dad isn't invited.

I would definitely pass the problem back to the children's dad - if he wants them there he needs to sort childcare otherwise he needs to tell them why not

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · Yesterday 20:36

If she doesn't want your children to be there "unaccompanied" then she and your ex can pay for an appropriate person to attend (including paying for their meal and any other costs) and accompany them. You are not available

Zaza2020 · Yesterday 20:40

Could you just pop in with his kids for an hour or so and leave baby with your boyfriend?

EvelynBeatrice · Yesterday 20:43

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.

You can’t leave a newly born breastfed infant unless you can both express milk and persuade the baby to take a bottle - and neither is a given.

OnMidnightsLikeThis · Yesterday 20:44

Who is the baby’s father?? Is it your boyfriend?

Surely he can look after his child for the day??

Dobeebeedah · Yesterday 20:44

His problem not yours. Make arrangements to be away that weekend. Leave him to sort his DC on his contact time.

MrsJeanLuc · Yesterday 20:45

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 15:37

The DC are 6, 4 and 2 (will have just turned 3 by the wedding)

Theyre not tiny babies obviously but they still need watching, especially the then 3yo and I dont really think its fair to just expect someone who isnt their parent to be responsible for them all day without actually asking them first

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet. My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

And I dont really want to bring my bf and have him sitting in a hotel room with the baby all day either, especially when I want to breastfeed. The baby would be with me most of the time anyway

I could go for a couple of hours but then who is watching the DC while im with the baby? Thats the bit I dont understand

They have specifically said the baby isnt invited but the DC are, so surely they need to have some sort of plan for the DC if they want them there

I do understand that babies can cry and its their wedding, im not saying they have to have a screaming newborn through the ceremony 😂 but I dont think its unreasonable for me to say im not leaving a newborn for hours just so I can go and provide childcare for my exs children

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

You've put your finger on it there, haven't you.

Tell him he has 3 choices:

  1. You go with newborn and look after his (your shared) kids ... though I'm impressed you are willing to look after 4 kids under 7 single handed!
  2. He organises someone to look after HIS kids
  3. You and kids don't go.

It's his problem to sort, not yours (or his wife to be)

Whoops75 · Yesterday 20:47

It’s up to your ex to make accommodations for his children to at his wedding.
You stay home with your baby x

Fatsnowflake · Yesterday 20:48

OnMidnightsLikeThis · Yesterday 20:44

Who is the baby’s father?? Is it your boyfriend?

Surely he can look after his child for the day??

I would not leave a newborn even for a couple of hours, never mind a day! OP will still possibly be sore and leaking milk. I think the expectation of her going to the wedding at all is ridiculous let alone leaving her tiny baby. I was breastfeeding on demand when mine were tiny and couldn't leave them.

grinandslothit · Yesterday 20:52

I just wouldn't bother going as it doesn't sound like he really wants them there just for show and for the photos otherwise he can work out the child care part of it instead of dumping it on you when you're going to have a newborn baby. At the most maybe let the six year old go because that's the only one who would really remember any of it the other ones won't.

SandyHappyPerson · Yesterday 20:52

lordbaddingham · Yesterday 19:58

That's rubbish. He is relying on the OP to look after his kids at the wedding but at the same some making it v difficult for her to do so as she will have a newborn he has banned from coming. It feels utterly controlling. Why on earth should OP leave a newborn at home to facilitate this. He could quite easily say it's fine for OP to bring her newborn so his kids can come which would be the sensible way to solve this for everyone. He can be reasonable or not, his choice.

Show quote history

He could quite easily say it's fine for OP to bring her newborn so his kids can come which would be the sensible way to solve this for everyone.

I honestly don't see how that would solve a problem though, OP on her own with a newborn is absolutely not going to be supervising 3 other children under 6 adequately at a wedding, I'm not sure why she is insisting on that as it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to be fair.

Her ex and wife-to-be obviously want OP there to supervise the three kids, that is the childcare solution to him having his children present, which is why they don't want the baby there.

But if OP can't come / doesn't want to come without the baby she will just have to decline for all of them unless someone on his side will take them to his wedding.. it shouldn't be OPs job to facilitate him having his children present anyway, but OP insisting on taking the baby for the whole day as well as 3 little kids, instead of just declining is ridiculous.

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · Yesterday 20:53

Don't make this about "baby not invited" - think about it, what would it actually be like to be supervising your older 3 and looking after a newborn who may be at a very needy and exhausting stage, all on your own in a crowd of people who are leaving you to struggle while they focus on getting pissed.

You do not want the solution to be "oh ok you can bring the baby". Your focus at that time needs to be recovering from pregnancy and birth and caring for your newborn - obviously not ignoring the needs of the older 3 but certainly not prioritising their wish to attend a party over the wellbeing of the baby, and certainly not sacrificing your own wellbeing and that of the baby for the benefit of your ex's new woman.

The boundary is that sadly you are not available to attend because you cannot be doing with solo childcare for 4 kids under age 7 including a newborn at such an exciting and complicated event - it would be an utter nightmare.

The children should definitely be allowed to attend their dad's wedding. The wedding budget needs to pay the costs for an agency nanny to look after them.