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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

491 replies

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
PTown · Yesterday 18:54

This man is continuing to foist his parental responsibilities onto OP during HIS contact time—leaving OP to sort out a “solution” during HIS time really takes the biscuit.

Hands up if you think he’s marrying this new woman so quickly to foist his childcare duties onto? He seems completely incapable of parenting on his own. Poor lamb.

Error404FucksNotFound · Yesterday 18:55

Is it possible she doesnt want his children there and is trying to make it impossible for you so you become the bad guy who wouldn't let the children go?

andthat · Yesterday 18:55

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · Yesterday 15:51

Why would there be drama? You reply "Thanks for the invite exhub, I'm not able to leave my newborn, so won't be able to attend. Please make arrangements for our DC to be supervised by one of your attending family members"

This is very much not your problem

What @ShakaWhenTheWallsFell said.

Why are you making this a you problem?

Your ex needs to make provision for his kids if you can’t attend with your newborn. OR they let you bring your baby.

Not your issue to fix and I don’t know why you’re tying yourself in knots about it.

Tell your ex ‘sort this out and let me know the plan’. Then leave him to it. He’s being pathetic.

Scout2016 · Yesterday 18:58

You are right- he wants them there then he needs to arrange for his family to look after them. You would have done it, which is decent of you, had they not made it impossible by barring your baby. So either he stands up to his wife to be about baby coming or he sorts things with his family- who are also his children's family and should be willing to help.

openscanofworms · Yesterday 19:00

Your ex needs to sort childcare for your joint children. You’ve set your (very sensible in my eyes) boundaries to say that you can’t go if baby isn’t allowed. They’ve made their choice and now it’s up to them to find people to look after the children.

gamerchick · Yesterday 19:06

JustAnotherWhinger · Yesterday 14:56

Just bat it back to him.

“I won’t be leaving my newborn home without me so you’ll either have to find someone else to look after the children or tell them they’re no longer invited”.

If there are no other children invited I would be assuming it’s a roundabout way of uninviting the kids and making it your “fault” rather than theirs. Absolutely do not allow that to happen.

Show quote history

This. It's being engineered OP so they can't go. This is your ex's problem to solve and if he can't, then he can break it to the kids.

It's a sign of things to come I think.

MergingSystems · Yesterday 19:06

My brother had an events nanny for their two boys (3 and 1 years old) at their wedding. It worked really well for them.

I’d suggest your exH organises that for his kids.

Thr33lions · Yesterday 19:10

Not your problem to solve.

If he wants his kids at his wedding then it’s up to him to arrange a suitable family member or friend to keep an eye on them.

It is most definitely not the responsibility of his ex to make alternative arrangements for her other children to make his day easier to manage. In most cases an ex would never be invited, he’ll have to do what the millions of other men and women with children from prior relationships that get married each year do Confused

BasilThePlant · Yesterday 19:17

Boreded · Yesterday 14:37

Your ex needs to find someone to accompany the children if you can’t go with the baby. Simple.

They’re his kids and it is his wedding, they’re his responsibility

This is mean, unnecessary and impractical.

Op, well done on all of you for having such a great ex-relationship that you've ended up at this dilemma.

In your position I would bring the kids to the service and maybe the early reception. Leave newborn at home if possible, maybe the bride is afraid of baby distracting you from minding kids?

You being invited is a diplomatic thing, you really dont need to be there for the whole party, nor do (anyones) kids. Go for as long as is polite, smile and wave and vanish! Let the new couple enjoy their day ....

And make sure they know you've also been a champion!

AllSlugsAreBastards · Yesterday 19:18

Another vote for not your problem to solve. They're his kids too - if he wants them at the wedding then he can organise the childcare/look after them himself. If he 'can't manage' then he is the one who tells the kids. Don't let him pass it off as 'mum won't bring you' either. This is his choice.

ThatLemonBee · Yesterday 19:22

Do you really know what I think ? They don’t what you or the children there . The kids will blame you and they want you to look bad for not taking the kids , but the reality is it’s their responsibility to find someone to have the children at the wedding . Not yours

Mackerelfillets · Yesterday 19:23

MsSquiz · Yesterday 18:47

I’d imagine OP will include her children in her wedding and not ask her ex to “supervise” her own children at said wedding!

presumably the groom’s family will be there and will help their son/brother/uncle look after his children at his own wedding

Show quote history

Lets hope common sense will prevail. I too dont understand why other relatives cant help look after their nieces/nephew/grandchildren/friends of the family on the day. I'm assuming she has exhausted this option.

SwirlingAroundSleep · Yesterday 19:25

The solution is that he pays a childminder/nanny to look after his kids for the day. Tell him this very clearly and if he doesn’t that it will be on him that his children didn’t attend his wedding.

bridgetreilly · Yesterday 19:26

He is their dad and he needs to make the arrangements if he wants them at his wedding. He doesn’t get to opt out of this. Make it clear to him that if you can’t come with the baby, he either has to arrange for someone to look after hos children or tell them they can’t come either.

Chewbecca · Yesterday 19:28

How close to home is the wedding?
What is your ex's actual suggestion?

Marieb19 · Yesterday 19:29

This is their problem. They invited you and the children but for whatever reason exs has now made it impossible for you to go. Write to them and explain you will be bf and won't be able to leave thd baby. It is up to them to arrange suitable childcare for the day.

Beeloux · Yesterday 19:29

Urgh, she’s clearly being awkward on purpose as she doesn't want you there!

I wouldn’t want to leave my newborn either and would be uncomfortable leaving my 3 young dc with someone else at such an event (presumedly most guests would be under the influence of alcohol).

I would send a blunt reply that either ex arranges childcare with a guest who will not be under the influence of alcohol, or due to his partners demands, dc will not be able to attend.

If newborn is not breastfed and you would be comfortable leaving them with your partner, even if just for the ceremony, I would play her bluff and turn up looking gorgeous and piss her off more.

millymollymoomoo · Yesterday 19:31

You can leave the baby with its dad - then all
this drama is resolved !

You seem to be the one creating problems when there’s an obvious solution - your baby has a dad who will be able to look after it

TourdeCrema · Yesterday 19:32

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

he needs to work something out, they are his children and his responsibility to get a babysitter for them at the wedding. He could get another family member or pay someone for the day

Myskyscolour · Yesterday 19:40

Just tell your ex that you will drop off the DC at x time at the wedding venue and that he needs to figure out who will be looking after them.

musicandmen · Yesterday 19:41

I think it’s strange you are invited to the wedding at all. I would expect the children to be invited and a grandparent or auntie etc to be responsible for them.

but also you can’t not take the older ones and make them miss their dads wedding cos you’ve got a baby, cos that will just the older ones to resent the baby

so their needs to be flexibility on both sides . Either you don’t go and he arranges childcare, or says to multiple family members can you make sure the kids are ok, drop them off, don’t go in the ceremony with the baby and wait outside, bring your BF and he just hangs around and you pop out when the baby needs you, or express and leave the baby at home.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · Yesterday 19:48

millymollymoomoo · Yesterday 19:31

You can leave the baby with its dad - then all
this drama is resolved !

You seem to be the one creating problems when there’s an obvious solution - your baby has a dad who will be able to look after it

Edited

@millymollymoomoo That's a bit harsh on the OP. Surely it is the baby that is creating problems by being a breastfeeding newborn and likely to be downright fussy about it's father's attempts to lactate.

But maybe men are built differently on your planet?

Ilovelifeverymuch · Yesterday 19:49

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 15:37

The DC are 6, 4 and 2 (will have just turned 3 by the wedding)

Theyre not tiny babies obviously but they still need watching, especially the then 3yo and I dont really think its fair to just expect someone who isnt their parent to be responsible for them all day without actually asking them first

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet. My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

And I dont really want to bring my bf and have him sitting in a hotel room with the baby all day either, especially when I want to breastfeed. The baby would be with me most of the time anyway

I could go for a couple of hours but then who is watching the DC while im with the baby? Thats the bit I dont understand

They have specifically said the baby isnt invited but the DC are, so surely they need to have some sort of plan for the DC if they want them there

I do understand that babies can cry and its their wedding, im not saying they have to have a screaming newborn through the ceremony 😂 but I dont think its unreasonable for me to say im not leaving a newborn for hours just so I can go and provide childcare for my exs children

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

Let your ex know that you wouldn't be coming because you will not be separate from your baby.

If he wants the kids to be there he needs to sort out how that will work if not they will not be there

This isn't your problem to solve, it's his problem to solve to please his new wife while also ensuring his kids from his previous marriage are there..... or not.

Ismellarathmmm · Yesterday 19:51

Very easy solution to this one!!

"OK ex husband. I can't attend as need to be with baby, will drop kids off at 9am and your hired childcare can take it from there"

MademoisellePraline · Yesterday 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.