Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

Why do you even want to go op? Yes it'd nice for the toddler and the 2 not much older to go to a party but seriously they won't care if they miss it.

Where do the groom’s 3 kids go every time OP nips out to BF the newborn? They can’t be left at a wedding venue unsupervised—one will be 3!

?

I agree that you need to a) only communicate with your ex and b) push it back to being his problem.

"I cannot come without baby as I am breastfeeding, you refuse to allow the baby there so you need to find childcare for the kids, explaining this is not "drama" it is fact. They are very excited to come so I am sure you will be able to sort something out."

Not the same circumstances at all. This is 3 small children and a breast feeding newborn (might be very new, days or a couple of weeks). It hasn't been established that anyone else will be prepared to look after 3 children while their mum feeds the baby. The father and the new stepmother of the 3 small children have made it clear that they expect the children's mum to manage the children and leave her (very) newborn elsewhere.

So basically you've been invited to look after his children?

This isn't your problem. It's his wedding. If he wants his kids there he'll have to be a big boy and arrange childcare for them.

Let him sort it out. Honestly, I think they're being CF's and taking advantage of your good nature. Don't let them.

Good luck with the new baby. 👶🌺

I'm laughing at the idea of op winning points for being flexible and accommodating....

Like that's how it works

I agree with you ladygin. Its one day and yes it will be a pain for a few hours but your older kids will remember it. I think its the right thing to do in a very unusual set of circumstances. Is it possible that the roles could be reversed in a few years if you marry and he has another child with his new wife?

The baby will be around 3 weeks old based on the OP being 35 weeks pregnant and the wedding being in a couple of months. It’s completely reasonable to not want to leave your 3 week old for a full day, a couple of hours maybe but all day into the evening is a lot.

OP, can any other family members who will be present take responsibility for your children for the day? I think I’d reply back to your ex and his partner saying something like “completely understand, I’ll make sure the kids are ready and drop them off to you whatever time you want. Please let me know which of your family members will be watching them and what time I should pick them up at the end.”

His children his responsibility.

Hes in the wrong, but I would also question how you could look after 4 children under 6 on your own without any help!

Tbf, I wouldn’t want a baby or an ex wife at my wedding …

Agree with everyone else - this is not your problem:

Hi Ex

Whilst I think it's understandable that NewWife would like me at your wedding to take on parental responsibility on the day so you are free to enjoy your special day, the fact that NewWife doesn't want the DC new sibling there means I can't see how to make this work.

I will be breastfeeding so not able to be away from newborn who will be very small at this point. This means the options are:

None of us attend
DC attend and you and NewWife find someone else to mind them for the day
DC attend along with sibling and me

I'd love to celebrate with you and am not trying to be difficult, but I really don't see a solution that works based on NewWife's criteria.

I get you don't want drama - so I'll go with whatever option you choose
ExWife.

It really is simple.

"The kids are looking forward to the wedding, let me know who will be looking after them and what the arrangements are when you've sorted it. Naturally I won't be ready to leave my newborn so I won't be attending , thank you for the invite, though."

My guess is she doesn’t want the kids there so has told you not to bring the baby knowing you can’t leave the baby and therefore as there is no one to look after the kids because the dad can’t be arsed because it’s his wedding that means they don’t go

personally I would go to your ex tell him that it’s unreasonable to expect you not to bring a newborn so you can’t come but you will drop the other 3 off and he can sort something about someone looking after them if he can’t

Young kids get so excited at wedding receptions—running around, etc. I cannot imagine being in charge of BF a newborn on demand (and changing nappies at each feed, plus the mess often involved with burping/winding), plus wrangling 3 over-excited kids of those ages at a wedding reception ON MY OWN. You’ll also be responsible for rounding them up and managing them for photos. If the photos are during a time when the newborn needs a feed or needs changing from a poo blowout, you will be the bad guy for “being difficult”. No way would I sign up for this, even if they do invite the newborn. Just tell him that it no longer works for you, due to your recovery from childbirth. It’s not your responsibility to source his childcare for his wedding, no matter how amicable the split. Leave him to sort out his own adulting responsibilities like a big boy.

Basically the your exh fiancé doesn’t want your children at the wedding. This is the way of blaming you for it, whilst not taking any responsibility.

I don’t have any advice apart from saying to your ex that you won’t be leaving a newborn and therefore the children won’t be able to attend.

ball back in their court. At this point you can’t guarantee everything is going to be OK with your birth so having a contingency is essential.

Frankly, given the number of children and their young ages, I'd be very wary about who would be looking after them at the wedding, if he can even be bothered to sort something out. Whoever it is will need eyes in the back of their head, and be constantly vigilant. Certainly they will not be able to relax, drink, chat and enjoy the wedding while they are in charge. Do you really think there will be anyone there that you could trust? It's a very tall order, particularly for someone older with less energy, or unused to the ways of children.

Your kids are being put second by both of their parents, within 3 yrs you are having another baby and their father is remarrying and the new stepmum doesn’t gives shit about the children…
I think their wedding is the least of your poor kids problems, you are having a baby with a bf who you can’t even trust to leave his own baby with for four hours….

The idea of a woman who is two months postpartum taking a brand new baby, a just turned three year old, are four year old and a six year old to a wedding on her own would be shocking to most women and they wouldn't want to do it.

There's a reason why she's not backing out and is instead insisting.Her newborn is allowed, it's a bit of a power move to insert herself into her ex husband's wedding.

The only reason why OP's new DP is being expected to mind his exclusively breastfed baby who shouldn't be away from its mother is because said mother is being expected to provide sole parental supervision for her children at their father's wedding. If the groom took responsibility for sorting out the chaperone for his own kids, that EBF baby would be with its mother as is right and proper at that time in its life.

I would get new partner to look after baby while you take the kids to the ceremony and meal. If necessary, all leave at that point.

Well I agree the groom needs to take responsibility here, but somehow saying the newborn isn't it's father's "problem" just sounds wrong.

If you actually read the OP's posts, the tone is not of a woman who wants to drag a newborn to a wedding.

You were only invited to look after "his" children, why? I wouldn't entertain going in any way at all. Either you are wanted at the wedding (ugh) or not (great).

HIS DC are a different matter: They should go and they are HIS responsibility. Same goes for the Honeymoon. What are HIS arrangements? They are nothing to do with you.