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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

493 replies

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
JHITRM77 · Yesterday 17:01

I suspect the new bride doesn't want either you or his kids at the wedding which is why she's trying to put you in this situation. I'd just tell them I can't go as I'll need to BF a newborn so they'll need to find someone else to watch the kids on the day 🤷‍♀️

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · Yesterday 17:01

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · Yesterday 15:51

Why would there be drama? You reply "Thanks for the invite exhub, I'm not able to leave my newborn, so won't be able to attend. Please make arrangements for our DC to be supervised by one of your attending family members"

This is very much not your problem

This

Calliopespa · Yesterday 17:01

endofthelinefinally · Yesterday 16:59

I never met a newborn that would peacefully wait a few hours between breast feeds. Maybe they do exist, but as a retired midwife, I imagine it is quite rare. I also think it is unreasonable to expect a fairly newly delivered mother to manage new baby, 2,3 and 6 year old at a wedding venue on her own. It would be extremely stressful.

Show quote history

Mine actually did, but it would still be a juggle.

Maybe the bride should reschedule the wedding if the dc need to go but she can't accommodate the newborn half sibling.

I get that it's "her day" but sometimes you just have to accommodate something.

WhereYouLeftIt · Yesterday 17:02

" My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out"

Absolutely. 'We' includes him, and it doesn't seem as if he has put forward any suggestion as to how to make this work.

I would suggest you pass the buck to him. He is the children's father after all, and by him/his fiancée vetoing your newborn coming, he has narrowed the options.

'Hi Ex,

I will be unable to attend your wedding without my newborn; I will be breastfeeding so we can't really be separated for long without causing the baby distress and me to leak all over the table - I'm sure neither you nor [fiancée] want that.

As their father I pass the baton to you. You will need to arrange who is to accompany your children for the day. I'm happy that you will choose the appropriate person.

Best wishes for your happy day, TreadingWater'

Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 17:02

I think I would rather have my head chopped off than watch the father of my children marry someone else.

I’d send a message saying: ‘All things considered I can’t leave the baby and if your family aren’t prepared to watch the children whilst at a family wedding then I’m going politely decline the invitation on behalf of all of us and hope you have a wonderful day. Wishing you both all the best, look forward to seeing pictures.

And leave it at that. Do you really want to go to the wedding? I assumed the kids were older but they’re still very young, are you both genuinely completely over the relationship and moved on to the extent you can sit through his wedding?? Three years ago you were pregnant with HIS child.

diddl · Yesterday 17:03

sheisforrealatiger · Yesterday 16:55

She’s invited the OP because the ex wants his kids there but nobody wants to have to look after them.

Show quote history

It does sound like that.

But obviously being invited doesn't mean that you have to go!

Petrocz · Yesterday 17:04

I'm attending with newborn or not at all

Up to you what you want to do re exs dc

Grandslam8 · Yesterday 17:05

I assume the new wife doesn’t have any children. I’d course you can’t leave your baby with anyone. She’s being ridiculous. There’s no way on earth I’d leave my baby for a whole day. Mine is 6 month and the longest I’ve done is two hours.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · Yesterday 17:05

MyPlumHelper · Yesterday 16:57

Actually, if I was the soon to be a new wife of the man, I would be running away and leaving them to it.

Imagine at your wedding, having to tolerate your husband to bees ex wife who he only separated from three years ago.And he left a woman while pregnant and tolerating a three year old, a four year old, a six year old and a new born baby by another man at her own wedding.

Fuck that shit for a game of soldiers. I would leave him to it and call it off. She's tolerating an awful lot.

Why can't you can't the op just stop hovering around her ex and get on with her new life instead of trying to force her new baby by someone else into her exes wedding. Just tell him none of the children are coming and have done with it.But stop forcing your baby on them. Where is the new baby's father?And all of this, because that hasn't been explained. Surely he can take his child for a few hours or is a dead beat as well.

There is there is no explaining to a child who isn't even three yet.They won't give a toss about the wedding.They won't even register, they can barely string a sentence together. All of this hand wringing over children so young missing the wedding is largely misplaced.

Edited
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Imagine at your wedding, having to tolerate your husband to bees ex wife who he only separated from three years ago.

All because he wants his kids there and can't be bothered getting a chaperone for them.

This is his fault, not OP's.

But stop forcing your baby on them.

She's not. It's utterly unreasonable to expect a BFing new mother to leave her baby for a day. That her ex expects her to do this, instead of paying a professional chaperone or finding one of his relatives to escort the kids at the wedding, speaks volumes about his character.

Ponderingwindow · Yesterday 17:06

The groom doesn’t stop being a parent just because it is his wedding. His children being at his wedding is his problem to solve.

He needs to buy the clothes. He needs to make sure they get all dressed up and are happy and well fed. He needs to find a trusted person to care for them while he is busy during key events. It would be highly unusual for that person to be his ex so if you aren’t available it’s not a big deal.

obviously you can’t leave a newborn. Asking you to do so is offensive and ridiculous.

Do not take the guilt for this. Do not push it back on the bride. This is 100% the groom’s problem to solve.

Likeiloveyou · Yesterday 17:06

Push it back on him. Say you can’t leave a newborn EBF baby so he will need to arrange supervision for the DC.

romdowa · Yesterday 17:07

Id stop communicating with your exs partner and just text/ email your ex saying that you won't be leaving the baby behind. So either baby comes or he needs to arrange alternative care for his children. Then I wouldnt engage with the matter any further. Ignore the partner if she tries to bring the subject up.

SplishSplash123 · Yesterday 17:07

Your last post is exactly the answer here - your ex needs to sort out the childcare for his children, so they can attend his wedding.

I appreciate you say you all got on well, and that is great given there are children involved. But I highly doubt they've invited you as a proper guest - they are only inviting you so that your ex and the rest of the family can enjoy the wedding without taking responsibility for the children - you're there for childcare purposes only. Most couples who marry when they already have children, whether that's children together or from previous relationships, would be sorting childcare either by paying for a nanny service or asking friends/family to look after them on the day.

It is not your responsibility to facilitate your children attending. Don't feel guilty if the outcome is they can't- thats your exes fault if it happens.

Tell him you will be breastfeeding and are not prepared to leave your newborn. You are happy to provide childcare at the wedding if you can attend with the newborn, but otherwise he will need to make his own arrangements. There is nothing for you to sort out - the decision lies with him.

ladygin · Yesterday 17:07

So, baby and baby’s dad hang out independently at the venue / nearby / in the car with downloaded TV for baby dad. You come and breastfeed when required. Kids go to the wedding with you as accompanied. But leave as early as possible. A total pain for you and the baby dad but you are adults and can cope. The kids get to see their dad get married which is very important. And you win points for being reasonable and flexible and accommodating

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 17:08

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 15:37

The DC are 6, 4 and 2 (will have just turned 3 by the wedding)

Theyre not tiny babies obviously but they still need watching, especially the then 3yo and I dont really think its fair to just expect someone who isnt their parent to be responsible for them all day without actually asking them first

I know people are saying grandparents or an auntie could keep an eye on them and maybe thats what will happen, but nobody has actually offered to do that yet. My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out

And I dont really want to bring my bf and have him sitting in a hotel room with the baby all day either, especially when I want to breastfeed. The baby would be with me most of the time anyway

I could go for a couple of hours but then who is watching the DC while im with the baby? Thats the bit I dont understand

They have specifically said the baby isnt invited but the DC are, so surely they need to have some sort of plan for the DC if they want them there

I do understand that babies can cry and its their wedding, im not saying they have to have a screaming newborn through the ceremony 😂 but I dont think its unreasonable for me to say im not leaving a newborn for hours just so I can go and provide childcare for my exs children

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

Surely if you are breastfeeding you couldn't leave the baby anyway? It's obvious that you have only been invited to the wedding to look after your and your ex's children. Tell him that you will only attend if you can bring your baby as it will be far too young to be left. If he says no, he will need to find a relative to look after his children during the wedding and the reception.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 17:08

WhereYouLeftIt · Yesterday 17:02

" My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out"

Absolutely. 'We' includes him, and it doesn't seem as if he has put forward any suggestion as to how to make this work.

I would suggest you pass the buck to him. He is the children's father after all, and by him/his fiancée vetoing your newborn coming, he has narrowed the options.

'Hi Ex,

I will be unable to attend your wedding without my newborn; I will be breastfeeding so we can't really be separated for long without causing the baby distress and me to leak all over the table - I'm sure neither you nor [fiancée] want that.

As their father I pass the baton to you. You will need to arrange who is to accompany your children for the day. I'm happy that you will choose the appropriate person.

Best wishes for your happy day, TreadingWater'

And add to this message what time they need collecting from your home before the wedding!

SuePer · Yesterday 17:08

Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 16:55

Bloody hell the youngest is two! And his / her father is getting remarried in a few weeks and the mother is 35 weeks pregnant with someone else. Fuck me, there’s no hanging around is there?

And you all get on and you’re invited to the wedding!!!

Bloody ‘ell. It’s a different world.

Yes and you get the feeling if the dc miss this one there'll be plenty more down the line Confused

Dublassie · Yesterday 17:12

Have a feeling dad will decide he doesn't want any of them there , if there is no 'minder'. Unfair to ask grandparnets to mind such young kids . Two and 4 are still babies ?
Men have a tendency to 'move on' quickly and soon fall in with what new wife to be wants .

PoorPhaedra · Yesterday 17:12

With all due respect, it really is not your problem. The children go to the wedding and your ex needs to be a parent and find someone from his family to look after the kids for the day - I’m sure there are grandparents, aunties and uncles who can all step up. He simply needs to organise it. There is absolutely no need for you and your baby to attend the wedding.

diddl · Yesterday 17:12

Tell him that you will only attend if you can bring your baby as it will be far too young to be left.

Why would Op do that?

Then she'll be looking after 3 kids & a baby if they agree!

Parcelpass · Yesterday 17:13

I would speak with the children's GP about watching the children for a few hours so they can attend the main part of the wedding. Or just do not go nor the DC.

Your ex has a choice in this too.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · Yesterday 17:13

ladygin · Yesterday 17:07

So, baby and baby’s dad hang out independently at the venue / nearby / in the car with downloaded TV for baby dad. You come and breastfeed when required. Kids go to the wedding with you as accompanied. But leave as early as possible. A total pain for you and the baby dad but you are adults and can cope. The kids get to see their dad get married which is very important. And you win points for being reasonable and flexible and accommodating

And the societal expectation of this level of doormattery, ladies, is why women sleepwalk into abusive relationships.

Pssedoffathis · Yesterday 17:14

It’s not your wedding and your ex can decide for himself what sort of relationship he wants with his children can’t he, then your children will decide for themselves.
this sounds like the beginning of the end really doesn’t it.
you were invited as childcare for the children.
it’s not your wedding and frankly not your problem.
Tbh attending a wedding alone with children and a baby is going to be a day basically where you play nanny and all the adults get to have fun while you run around like a headless chicken. Don’t do it to yourself.
also what if you can’t attend due to complications, explain that you can’t do it and that he can decide how he wants his own children to be included.

endofthelinefinally · Yesterday 17:14

ladygin · Yesterday 17:07

So, baby and baby’s dad hang out independently at the venue / nearby / in the car with downloaded TV for baby dad. You come and breastfeed when required. Kids go to the wedding with you as accompanied. But leave as early as possible. A total pain for you and the baby dad but you are adults and can cope. The kids get to see their dad get married which is very important. And you win points for being reasonable and flexible and accommodating

Who supervises the 3 older kids when mum has to go and breast feed? Unless there is a designated, capable person right there I can't see that working. I think it is likely that at least one of the 4 children is going to be distressed.
Anyway, as pp have said, if their father wants his 3 small children at his wedding, he will have to sort out care and supervision.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 17:15

PoorPhaedra · Yesterday 17:12

With all due respect, it really is not your problem. The children go to the wedding and your ex needs to be a parent and find someone from his family to look after the kids for the day - I’m sure there are grandparents, aunties and uncles who can all step up. He simply needs to organise it. There is absolutely no need for you and your baby to attend the wedding.

Agree with this - and, ironically, I think the bride will find the day becomes much more "all about groom and ex's kids" than it would if she could just stomach one tiny baby being slipped in so the mum could mind the dc.

But maybe the food and alcohol budget won't stretch: heavy on the alcohol some of these babes in arms! (In other words, she is only doing it as a power play/ because she feels she can ban her grooms actual dc and hopes this will do the trick).