'partner' has been with a prostitute

[sadandangry]

I feel totally sick and betrayed, but not sure if I have a right to feel this.

i phoned partner up earlier to see when he'd be home & if he wanted dinner cooking - I assume he meant to cut the call off, but he answered it by mistake, but assume he left the phone in his pocket or something. I could hear his voice, and that of a woman and was suspicious because he was meant to be on the way home, and was due to look after our dd as I had a counselling session at 8. I listened, and I heard them discuss payment, condoms and the bed creaking.

I thought I was going to throw up, but felt compelled to listen for a while.

The thing is, I feel utterly devastated, but our relationship is almost non existent. He has drug problems, and because of this I've wanted to end things for some time, but keep allowing myself to be talked round.

He says he has intimacy issues and ever since we had dd he has only wanted sex when he's been out drinking, or taken drugs, and I've felt more and more used by this, and made it clear I didn't want sex any more - I'm 6 months pg and we've only had sex 3 times at most since conception, and not for w ehile. So maybe I don't have any right to be upset.

But he's the one who tells me how much he loves me every day, was asking me to cuddle up with him last night (we no longer share a bed) makes long term plans for our future together.

And he's already got us into financial difficulties because of drugs - we're on the edge of my overdraft limit, though I have separate funds set aside for doing up the house to hopefully make some money - and he's still spending money we don't have on a prostitute. And caring so little about me he's having sex instead of looking after dd as promised.

I'm an idiot to have stayed this long. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be in this position, to be treated like this. I am scared I still won't get away from this because I think I'm so scared of the future, and how I'm going to manage. My life is a mess, and I've let it.

I think you're right in your instinct - it des have to happen eventually - and sooner the better but without any rush either. You need to get it right, get it set in your head, imagine living yourlife without him first before doing it - or else you may just tak ehim back again when the pleading starts.

Take some solace maybe that as the father of tour kids he will always be part of your life - he isn;t going to simply dissapear. You just won't have to live with him - which is a bonus, isn;t it!

Ring your local citizens advice centre - don't actualy go unless you have the whole day and lost of patience - and they will ring you back and send you out a pack of all the help you can get and what you need to do with regards to child support payments from him.

Get out now. My best friend wasted 2 years of her life on a man who had a massive coke problem...he said he'd stop, went on frequent benders, abused her verbally and physically- he'd walk out and he'd stalk and harrass her until she came back. This cycle went on for as long as their relationship lasted. IMO he'll never change unless something makes him. While my friend stuck around he had no incentive to change. Drug addicts cannot see beyond their own selfish needs.

sorry should read 'she'd walk out and he'd harass and stalk her until she got back with him'

sadandangry

I know you from before. Please please remove yourself and you dd from this poisonous situation.

ask yourself honestly, what would it take for me to know the relationship is over ??? can there BE any more ?

dont think, just do it and give your daughter and unborn child a chance of a normal life

I know i've got to go sooner rather than later.

Last night he was late back from work without letting me know til nearly 11. Then he barricaded imself into his room, watching porn on the computer and smoking in ther.

Then this morning dd woke him at 8 banging on his door - he tried to go back to sleep in my bed (I'd got out), told him to go back to his own room - he told me to wake him at 8.30 - as far as I was aware he wasn't due at work til 12, so woke him just before I went out at 10 - he never sets an alarm, just expects me to wake him (going back to re-wake him if he's not ready) - he then stormed downstairs raging, shouting, swearing at me because I hadn't woken him when he told me to, and he was supposed to be at work earlier. Of course it is all my responsibility to get him to work, and the fact that I heard him still awake at 3, no doubt having taken drugs, is nothing to do with it.

In his eyes, he seems to be blameless in every way.

He can justify visiting a prostitute or advertising for women online because I've said it's over and I want him to leave - but then he can ignore what i've said and continue to act like we're together, and expect me to do what I'm told, wake him, clean up after him, wash his clothes, cook (but then often not eat it as has taken drugs instead), run household, act like his PA etc etc

i'm so sorry for your situation but just wanted to reiterate what madamez said about the violence.

cokeheads are very prone to psychotic attacks and have a tendancy to get extremely violant with very little provocation..... i have a massive scar down the side of my face given to me by a cokehead who was lurking in the bathrooms of a club one night waiting with a knife in her hand for the first person she didn't like to walk in the doors.

cokeheads often see things in a very differant light and get disproportionately angry about something that in a normal frame of mind would be easily worked through, and they very often resort to agggresiveness and violence when they think they've been slighted.

please NO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH THIS MAN!

just get him the hell out and make sure he cannot gain access to his daughter til he's clean, please, before something terrible happens

i think your last post has just proved my point

does he actually havce to hurt you or dd beofore you'll get him out?

i'm sorry but this is ludicrous-what does he have to do to you before you leave him. He is a twat, takes drugs, shags around behind your back, sits in his room till 3 am smoking and wanking-leave him now. when he is out, change the locks, contact your solicitor and get rid

Bloody hell, please don;t get a house with this fella. If ever there was a definiton of a twat, this is it.

Things worsening rapidly really, so I'm going to seek advice on how to escape.
This evening he wanted £10 to go out - fine if it wasn't for the fact that his spending maens we're near my overdraft limit, I'm not using the house fixing fund / my emergency money to bolster things up for him, and his next pay won't be available for over a week.

But I am not allowed to deny him money (even though he gives me control over the money because he knows he can't handle it and would spend it all!) and he started ranting on, and basically telling me that no wonder he spends lots of money when he gets a chance (like when he spent the flat rental money in 1 night) when I try and deny him money to go out. He is out almost every night, so it is totally unjustified for him to blame me. I'm so fed up of him telling me his behaviour is my fault.

So, I behaved nastily too, and opened the front door and shouted, "no, you spend money because you are a drug addict".

Dd called out, i went upstairs to her, and was going to barricade the door to stop him coming in and harrassing me, as I knew he would - then realised that just makes him worse, so was moving them out of the way when he came upstairs and kicked my door hard, sending me flying and making dd scream.

He then told me that's justified behaviour.

Then he went downstairs and started watching a film, I could hear him laughing like everything is fine.

When I went back down, he said "I hate that we argue all the time, and I'm not saying my behaviour helps" - understatement of the year????

And in the end I've given him £10, the bargain being he won't take any money for fags / food when he goes to work the next 2 days. But I can't imagine that if he wants money tomorrow or the next day, he'll calmly accept that.

Just tried to contact Women's Aid for advice, but they're busy, and he's just called me saying he'll be back soon.

Calling me babe, and talking as if everything is OK.

I know he won't just pack his things and go - he doesn't have anywhere to go anyway, or any money except anything I give him out of my savings. So I have to pay to get rid of him, even though it's his behaviour making life so intolerable.

But if I go to a friend's or something, I don't trust him not to damage the house or my possessions in my absence

Why can't he just pack his stuff and move out like normal people would when they're told someone wants to end the relationship

Oh sweetheart..okay, so things have been pushed to the emotional limit - you now know where you stand (but will still have the odd wobble believe me, but keep the picture of you and your kids living free of this crap in your mind in weak moments) - take a step back knowing this. He is feeding off the crisis, so starve him. I know how hard it is to live in the middle of this whilst planning an escape - the most stressful thing for me was/is this (but my 'd'p is not so near an arsehole as yours even).

Start to begin to get your escape plan solid in your mind. Let it be your friend. If you can change the locks when he is out and you stay put -all the better, it will be one terribly bad day of public humiliation so maybe try to get your kids out for that day so they don't have to witness it? Plan everything down to the last detail.

If it will take longer try to be strong - you need a definite plan for this to work, otherwise it will be easy for you to give in - avoid talking to him - try to stop thinking of him in a sentimental way as the father of your child, and any idea of giving him a 'second' chance - it's obvious he has no such sentiments about you or your children - he is an addict and has lost himself. This is tragic but it aint your problem any more. He might find himself again, but not when he has you to rely on. Trust your survival instincts not your sentimental emotions, if only in the short term.

I can't pretend to you that it won?t be hard, but it's easier than waking up 10 years down the line when you and your kids are fucked up beyond repair and realising that you missed the moment.

has anyone got any advice for SAA? My instinct would be to change the locks and get rid of his stuff but i know this perhaps isnt the most practical option.

I am so sorry that you are going through this-he sounds like a typical addict. You need to make a plan, get yourself strong and get rid of him. You DD doesnt need to witness anymore of his behaviour and no doubt it is going to escalate...

police.

he's refusing to remove himself from your house and is being violant towards you in front of a child.

they can and will remove him for you and you need to get a restraining order.

the fact that he has nowhere to go speaks volumes about what sort of a person he is that he hasn't got a single friend to put him up til he rents somewhere.

Yes, call the police, tell them you are in danger, and you want them present when he comes back. Have the locks changed before he comes back , and all of his stuff packed and out on the pavement. DOo not open the door to him or partake in any conversation or negotiation or anything.

You have to end this now.

I got through to the domestic violence helpline, and they've given me a telephone number for advice on legal rights etc, so will contact them in a moment.

Last night he came in wanting another £10, which I didn't have.

It ended up all my fault of course because I hadn't woken him up the day before, so he didn't have the cash he would have done, so reliant on me.

Apparently I don't deserve to be treated well, I need someone to be firm with me - that is his justification for telling me to shut the fuck up when I try to answer his accusations. I don't respond to respect or kindness. I need to be spoken to like a dog. I couldn't go to bed because he kept coming in to carry on talking at me. At one point he even said he was keeping me up for fun.

He apologised this morning, but it is because I moan all the time (about his drug taking, wasting money, porn, prostitutes, smoking in the house) which is obviously unreasonable of me. I also rant at him on the phone (about above subjects) and then hang up, so I am just an angry person. Likewise, as I have told him i'm not funding his business venture, as he's not being responsible with his wages, so I have to protect the money I have left - this also means I am immature, angry and selfish.

It's amazing how his head works.

He's a child. Tell him to go back to his mothers

what are you going to do sad and angry?

just seen you are pregnant too? that he is treating you so badly

howy ou doing sadandangry?

I'm ok, haven't been able to get through to the advice line yet.

Am hoping to get away to a friend's for a few days for a break from the situation.

For all him insisting we should talk yesterday, he chose to lock himself away in his room for an hour, then go out for another hour, before locking himself back in. Weirdo. Cannot be dealing with that & a new baby, so have to sort something out asap

Ho are you doing today? You really need to bin him. I know that is easier said than done. He clearly is taking drugs increasinglt not just the odd blow out now and then.

Whats your action plan?
Can i ask where you are in the country?

can you make a list of all the thins you need to sort out, and do them slowly - that way yo get a it of control back and to see that you CAN manage without him....

hope you are ok today

lst x

honestly honestly tough love is the only way YOU can protect yourself x