'partner' has been with a prostitute

[sadandangry]

I feel totally sick and betrayed, but not sure if I have a right to feel this.

i phoned partner up earlier to see when he'd be home & if he wanted dinner cooking - I assume he meant to cut the call off, but he answered it by mistake, but assume he left the phone in his pocket or something. I could hear his voice, and that of a woman and was suspicious because he was meant to be on the way home, and was due to look after our dd as I had a counselling session at 8. I listened, and I heard them discuss payment, condoms and the bed creaking.

I thought I was going to throw up, but felt compelled to listen for a while.

The thing is, I feel utterly devastated, but our relationship is almost non existent. He has drug problems, and because of this I've wanted to end things for some time, but keep allowing myself to be talked round.

He says he has intimacy issues and ever since we had dd he has only wanted sex when he's been out drinking, or taken drugs, and I've felt more and more used by this, and made it clear I didn't want sex any more - I'm 6 months pg and we've only had sex 3 times at most since conception, and not for w ehile. So maybe I don't have any right to be upset.

But he's the one who tells me how much he loves me every day, was asking me to cuddle up with him last night (we no longer share a bed) makes long term plans for our future together.

And he's already got us into financial difficulties because of drugs - we're on the edge of my overdraft limit, though I have separate funds set aside for doing up the house to hopefully make some money - and he's still spending money we don't have on a prostitute. And caring so little about me he's having sex instead of looking after dd as promised.

I'm an idiot to have stayed this long. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be in this position, to be treated like this. I am scared I still won't get away from this because I think I'm so scared of the future, and how I'm going to manage. My life is a mess, and I've let it.

I know I'd be better on my own. He doesn't provide much support to me, and I have to deal with all this on top of everything else.

I guess I feel vulnerable. I'm not working, baby due soon, the house is in my name, so my savings will be eaten up paying the mortgage til it's sold then I'll owe the mortgage company loads of money for early repayment - I spend my time making plans of what to do, how I'll manage, but I'm feeling scared to make that jump, and so I suppose I let myself believe things just might improve and I won't have to cope with that.

Yet logically I know that at least I'll be in control of what money I do have, I won't have all the fear and anxiety about what state he'll come home in, whether we can pay bills, if anything he says to me is true etc

I know I'd be better on my own. He doesn't provide much support to me, and I have to deal with all this on top of everything else.

I guess I feel vulnerable. I'm not working, baby due soon, the house is in my name, so my savings will be eaten up paying the mortgage til it's sold then I'll owe the mortgage company loads of money for early repayment - I spend my time making plans of what to do, how I'll manage, but I'm feeling scared to make that jump, and so I suppose I let myself believe things just might improve and I won't have to cope with that.

Yet logically I know that at least I'll be in control of what money I do have, I won't have all the fear and anxiety about what state he'll come home in, whether we can pay bills, if anything he says to me is true etc

OK cocaine. Unfortunately there is not so much help for cocaine users as some other drug abuse but there is definatley help out there. The whole sex thing makes a bit more sense now but even a serious cocaine abuser does not necessarily act like this. I think you really need to get some professional help before you lose everything, relationship, mind, money. Understanding of cocaine addiction is still not as great as other drugs but it is a really serious problem. My very lovely and very good friend put a serious amount of money (the price of their house at the time) up their nose before they sought help but it did help eventually. There are obviously some underlying issues about what he is doing - rightly or wrongly but for the sake of your children, and for you you can't leave things as they are.

stay with him and he'll bleed you dry. leave while you have anything to leave with. or kick him out rather... get some advice from womens aid or someone as madamez suggested, find out answers to all your fears/worries about what might happen in any given situation - all the things you think youre daft to worry about or cant face asking... CAB might be good for that. dont feel ashamed for being with such a knob, feel brave for getting rid.

the help he needs, he needs to get for himself and do it on his own time imo. he needs to get out of your house till hes sorted himself out, and IF he does, you MAY consent to think about knowing him again... but seriously, coke heads are the pits. no-one matters to them.

sad - an almost identical thing happened to me years ago and I left with my little boy immediately. We left with nothing but a blanket.
It took just a short while to find a cottage and start again but the relief of not having all the hassle and heartbreak was immense.
It is amazing how strong you become when you are free to think without some bloody low-life in tow, trying to drag you down with him.

You and your little ones come first so tell him to get to hell and if he is going to carry on like that in the garden then get the police to lift him for public indecency.

On the positive side, the house is in your name. Can you talk to the CAB to ask their advice ?

Agree with Amphibimum in that he needs to seek help himself. But you can seek help and support too to help you decide what to do. Getting some professional support will help you decide if you want to stick by him or if you want to get out and will help you deal with that decision. this is a very hard thing to do on your own.

He did go to some cocaine anonymous meetings for a while, and things improved, but unfortunately I think he too easily believes he is in control of his problem, and doesn't need help - he comes out with all the, "oh, i see things so differently now", "I've seen people with really bad addictions, who have lost everything, that won't be me", I just don't want to take drugs anymore" "I understand now that my behaviour is affecting the family, the future will be different"...
I think he honestly believes himself at the time, and he can't change while he thinks he;s in control.

I don't know any other drug users (as far as I'm aware), so don't know how usual his behaviour is, but I know for him cocaine and sex are inextricably linked, plus his apparent intimacy issues....

I know logically we have no future. Even if he could resolve the drug problem I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. And hearing someone have sex with someone else is not easily forgotten I think.

He did go to some cocaine anonymous meetings for a while, and things improved, but unfortunately I think he too easily believes he is in control of his problem, and doesn't need help - he comes out with all the, "oh, i see things so differently now", "I've seen people with really bad addictions, who have lost everything, that won't be me", I just don't want to take drugs anymore" "I understand now that my behaviour is affecting the family, the future will be different"...
I think he honestly believes himself at the time, and he can't change while he thinks he;s in control.

I don't know any other drug users (as far as I'm aware), so don't know how usual his behaviour is, but I know for him cocaine and sex are inextricably linked, plus his apparent intimacy issues....

I know logically we have no future. Even if he could resolve the drug problem I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. And hearing someone have sex with someone else is not easily forgotten I think.

He did go to some cocaine anonymous meetings for a while, and things improved, but unfortunately I think he too easily believes he is in control of his problem, and doesn't need help - he comes out with all the, "oh, i see things so differently now", "I've seen people with really bad addictions, who have lost everything, that won't be me", I just don't want to take drugs anymore" "I understand now that my behaviour is affecting the family, the future will be different"...
I think he honestly believes himself at the time, and he can't change while he thinks he;s in control.

I don't know any other drug users (as far as I'm aware), so don't know how usual his behaviour is, but I know for him cocaine and sex are inextricably linked, plus his apparent intimacy issues....

I know logically we have no future. Even if he could resolve the drug problem I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. And hearing someone have sex with someone else is not easily forgotten I think.

He did go to some cocaine anonymous meetings for a while, and things improved, but unfortunately I think he too easily believes he is in control of his problem, and doesn't need help - he comes out with all the, "oh, i see things so differently now", "I've seen people with really bad addictions, who have lost everything, that won't be me", I just don't want to take drugs anymore" "I understand now that my behaviour is affecting the family, the future will be different"...
I think he honestly believes himself at the time, and he can't change while he thinks he;s in control.

I don't know any other drug users (as far as I'm aware), so don't know how usual his behaviour is, but I know for him cocaine and sex are inextricably linked, plus his apparent intimacy issues....

I know logically we have no future. Even if he could resolve the drug problem I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. And hearing someone have sex with someone else is not easily forgotten I think.

whoops, internet was playing up there for a moment.

I did see CAB not long ago, who at least told me he doesn't have any right of residency, even if he was paying the mortgage (which was the agreement).

The counselling was supposed to help, but that's hard to go to without childcare

Unfortunately an addict won't stop until he/she hits rock bottom. You can't help an addict until that addict decides to be helped. Addiction is incredibly and utterly selfish. If he stays in your home, he will drag you down with him (and cokeheads can and do get unpredictably violent, to the point of having psychotic episodes). You need to put yourself and DC first.
Get all the relevant legal/financial information ready, then give him notice to get out of the house until he is clean and styaing clean.

listen to madamez and gentleotter. they are speaking much sense imo

I should see a solicitor I guess, and find out how to insist he leaves, because he won't go otherwise, he just sticks his head in the sand, and pretends everything will be ok (like me??)

Thinks he's getting to his paranoid stage, because he's asked for the porch light to be on, if he was indoors, he'd be barricaded into his room.

I've chucked blankets and a jumper out to him. He has no access to money because he gets me to hold on to that (then goes on at me to give him whatever he wants) for safekeeping. And i reported his phone lost earlier, because it's in my name, and I don't want him running up bills anymore, calling prostitutes, arranging drugs etc then not coming up woth the money to cover the bills. So he's stuck with nowhere to go really.

I'm so sorry - what a crap situation. Get out. My istuation wasn't nearly so bad - but I am SO glad I did. I can hold my head up high - single mum, yeah - but coping, surviving, and one day I'll lay claim to be thriving. Just take the deepest breath ever - no burying your head for a few days, say everything you need to in those few days, and then hang on in there. Thinking of you.

Head up lass and just do it. You will not regret a thing, I promise you.

Lots of love to you - and strength. You know what you need to do..he needs to be responsible for himself.. Look after your children - investigate alternatives for childcare -(he doesn't sound the greatest to be fair)

You're smart... stay smart

Thank you everyone.
I just feel so down, and that makes everything harder.

SAA i hope you have managed to find the strengh to get rid of this discusting waste of space by now, and if you havent then this may help you make that decision. If he is sleeping with prostitutes, who knows what they may have, what if he catches HIV? He is in close contact with your children, anything could happen. Do you really want this type of low life around your DC?

Sounds like you have made up your mind that you would be better off without him and if he is still not seeing how much damage he is doing then that is probably the right thing to do. Would definitely go and get some solid advice about how to have him removed from your home and find some kind of support group for YOU rather than him to help you get through all this OK. Best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

If the house is in your name that is a great thing though and should give you options.

I know it's early days but there is always the possibility of switching to a buy to let mortgage so you will get the money from the tenant to pay the mortgage and you can always rent elsewhere with any leftover and your own income. Or if you are close to your family you could move home for a bit while the dust settles.

I know it's probably the last thing on your mind at the moment but I'm sure there are ways that you will be able to support yourself and baby going forward. Council, CAB etc you need to start talking to the agencies.

good luck to you - talk to Women's Aid too, see if they can recommend you a good solicitor. are there any RL friends too, family, who could help? Caring for children gives amazing strength - my best friend left a low-life scum of a husband with her two small children and is now living a much more relaxed, calm life. financially it isn't easy, but for her it wasn't easy then (moron self-employed businessman with no fucking idea, sending money donw the drain) just as it's not easy now for you, with the added stress of not knowing WTF is going on with money.

Good luck to you and your children. Things can change and will improve.

He's trying to tell me that he was just hugging the prostitute, because he doesn't get that from me anymore. He says her asking him to wear a condom & the bed creaking in a rhythmic way was her moving cos at first (20/30 mins???) she didn't understand he didn't want sex. He just laughs and says he didn't have sex.

He turns everything round on me, so it is all my fault / my responsibility to change. Says he has given me too much power, as I was able to turn off his phone and lock him out of the house.

Now he doesn't feel well, blaming it on me shutting him outside, til a neighbour let him in to stay the other night.

I find it so frustrating dealing / talking to him. I think I hate him, but then why am I so upset he's seen a prostitute? I'm just a mess of jumbled up sandness and anger and frustration.

Re finance - I have enough money in the house to be OK for a bit when sold, though I'll be about 30k worse off than if i'd never bought the house in the first place, which kinds of holds me back as well. Don't have much family, no parents, 1 sister I don't get on with, the other ok, but her place is small for her family, can't stay with her.

I think it doesn't help that I don't have much family, as he is such a big part of my world, I feel quite dependent on him for love, affection, company, even though I don't feel I get those things from him, and resent him for that, and it's him who has gone off to seek what's missing, rather than try and sort things out between us. And then tells me he loves me.