'partner' has been with a prostitute

[sadandangry]

I feel totally sick and betrayed, but not sure if I have a right to feel this.

i phoned partner up earlier to see when he'd be home & if he wanted dinner cooking - I assume he meant to cut the call off, but he answered it by mistake, but assume he left the phone in his pocket or something. I could hear his voice, and that of a woman and was suspicious because he was meant to be on the way home, and was due to look after our dd as I had a counselling session at 8. I listened, and I heard them discuss payment, condoms and the bed creaking.

I thought I was going to throw up, but felt compelled to listen for a while.

The thing is, I feel utterly devastated, but our relationship is almost non existent. He has drug problems, and because of this I've wanted to end things for some time, but keep allowing myself to be talked round.

He says he has intimacy issues and ever since we had dd he has only wanted sex when he's been out drinking, or taken drugs, and I've felt more and more used by this, and made it clear I didn't want sex any more - I'm 6 months pg and we've only had sex 3 times at most since conception, and not for w ehile. So maybe I don't have any right to be upset.

But he's the one who tells me how much he loves me every day, was asking me to cuddle up with him last night (we no longer share a bed) makes long term plans for our future together.

And he's already got us into financial difficulties because of drugs - we're on the edge of my overdraft limit, though I have separate funds set aside for doing up the house to hopefully make some money - and he's still spending money we don't have on a prostitute. And caring so little about me he's having sex instead of looking after dd as promised.

I'm an idiot to have stayed this long. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be in this position, to be treated like this. I am scared I still won't get away from this because I think I'm so scared of the future, and how I'm going to manage. My life is a mess, and I've let it.

what a corck of hsit

god why is it you liek this guy? he belittles you blames oytu and insults oyu
not least puttin you and your fmaily at risk health wise
bin him mve on
you dont need him
hwo cna oyu ened such a twat

is there any way that you can afford to keep the house on yourself? and offer to buy him out?

you really need to end this. now you can find love from someone who will actually love you. this guy obviously has no respect from you if he can do this to you!

Honey have got to rush out now but have you thought of getting in a lodger to help you out if you kick him out?

On him - he is an utter controlling wanker who has put your health and your baby's health at stake by sleeping with this woman - you must leave him - you will get oever the financial problems and find a new life - if you don't you will look back in 20 years and think - shit where did my life go?

Good Luck XXX

He has 'given you too much power' .

That about sums him up, I think. Best of luck in getting rid .

agree with madamez and others about speaking to woman's aid and a solicitor.

for goodness sake, i know how easy it is to rely on someone, but what ARE your relying on.

When he goes out, get tyhe locks changed, get rid of his stuff.

Don't be scared, be bold, be brave. Say to yourself 'I can do this' becuase your life is not going anywhere unless YOU change. He's not going to change.

He is a pathetic bully, and you are not being fair to your kids having him around.

Stop thinking you can't. You CAN.

don't believe a word of it. 'just hugging a prostitute' indeed.

this man is insulting your intelligence, amongst other things. How stupid does he think you are to believe such rubbish? You know in your heart of hearts that it isn't true but part of you doesn't want to believe that it is. He knows this and is taking full advantage of that fact. So manipulative!

Stop talking to him and listening to the tripe that comes out of his mouth. You have to end it now, once and for all. Kick him out. If you don't love yourself enough to end it for your own sake, please do it for the sake of your kids.

You will survive. Millions of women have surived before you after kicking out their good for nothing other halves and you will too.

yep. don't be scared of the future, you just never know how good it could be if you don't try.

The house is a bit of a state, and needs lots of work - re-wiring, new bathroom, new kitchen, new carpet, painting, which is why I have some spare money - but if he moves out, as I'm not working, I'll have to use that money for the mortgage til it's sold - mortgage tied in for another 2 years nearly, with 20k penalty for repaying early. Don't think I can have a lodger with house in state it is. Because we have another rented property in my name, I look too wealthy to get any financial assistance.

It's pointless trying to talk to him, it's all about how angry / childish / short sighted / stupid I am etc.

In 1 sense I do think that logically, we don't have sex, I've told him I don't want to be with him etc - so there shouldn't be anything for me to complain about in him seeing a prostitute.

But then he's expecting me to look after his money, help his business, hug him, cook, clean, pick up after him, wake him for work etc etc....plus he put his need for drugs / sex / hugs whatever, above his dd expecting daddy to be home to put her in bed, and my appointment he's committed himself to being in for so I can attend. So I don't think I'm unreasonable. And I just feel like he's contaminated or something. But yet, there's still a mad part of me that's clinging on to some idea that I'm throwing something away. But at the same time I know this isn't want I want my lufe to be.

I sound loopy really. Guess I just want security and a family, and although he's not providing that, he's always promising me hope, and I let myself believe it.

I already look back and think I wish I'd left when I was pg with dd. I did leave when she was 1, but let him back, I got him to leave for a little while... I've weakened every time, but regret it, so I know if I don't go, I'll keep looking back and thinking I should have gone.

And I know like Madamez says that addicts have to reach their rock bottom before they change, and I'm stopping him getting there.

You are in a codependent relationship with him, feeling responsible for him even though he is a grown man, which is why you feel guilty about considering to stop helping him. You need to get away from this man asap. If he is saying things like 'I have given you too much power' then the warning bells are ringing. What next? He will become even more controlling.

I was with a man like this. I always tried to get the truth out of him, about other women and what he was up to. He would spin the most bizarre lies, much like the 'hugging a prostitute' one. You know that is not true but he is making you doubt yourself because he knows he can. Who cares if you will be worse off financially. You will be free, happy, and you do not need one iota of his 'affection' or 'support'. I am a lot worse off now financially than I was, but my mind is free and belongs to me now. You can do it.

Oh, and forgot to say, you know that he will never tell you the whole truth about what he has done. I always wanted to get the truth and held on doggedly thinking that he would finally relent and tell me, but it never happened. You know the truth in your head, and that is enough. Men like this create their own truth and vindicate themselves from any responsibility.

where abouts are you? im in ne, teesside and i know quite a few peeps who would give you great prices on what you need doing in your house so that you can get a lodger in!

alternatively have you thought about advertsing for a lodger/handyman who can have lower rent in return for working on your house? if it needs that much doing to it you should make a profit on selling it if you get the work done

mucha - totally know what you mean about feeling compelled to try and get the truth, but him spinning his tales

Micci - thanks for the offer of info, but am down south

Assuming this isn't the first time he's "hugged" a prostitute, have you been tested for STDs recently? I know you will have had some tests during pregnancy but have you "hugged" him since then?

Sorry to be so brutal, but you need to consider your own health, and that of the baby's.

I really feel you need to get him out now, before the baby comes. If you don't feel you can do this without the counselling, can you do this during the day? Or can a local MNer help by babysitting?

Last "hugged" a couple of months ago, so I suppose depressingly possible I should get tested, although he is of course still totally denying he had sex with her - at first he wouldn't tell me what he'd been doing with her, before deciding on the hugging line - perhaps he is embarrassed to admit the creaking was caused by them trampolining or something .

Can't remember what they test for in preg apart from hiv - have the repeat blood tests coming up soon, but not sure if they test for same things again.

I think I'm going to try and get some work done to the house as cheaply as possible, then at least might lose less money if I have to sell it to be free of him.

He's still making plans for our long term future, about selling in 2years time, what we should buy together next - it is v frustrating that he just won't accept things can't carry on like this. He tries to touch me, like arm round my shoulder, stroke my hair, and act like everything is fine, and I can't bear him to touch me at all - he said last night - "you feel very cold towards me" - how can he expect anything else?

I think you probably need to go to a GUM clinic and put your mind at rest. I was going to advise telling your midwife but imagine you don't really want any follow-on questions about drug use and so on. Unless you think it might help you make the break to tell someone in RL and ask for help?

Ignore what he's saying about what happened. You know what you heard.

He's deluded himself about what kind of man he is, the only thing you can do now is not let him delude you any longer.

Oh what a total cock

Try to focus on the kids - your love for them and them you. The future can seem too scary if you try to project too far forward in times like these. Just take it a day at a time and eventually you will realise you don;t actually depend on hism for anything - 'cept maybe feeling shite.

saa, please, go for a check up!

My Xp had an affair when I was pregnant and did indeed catch an infection. I only found out about the affair the day before I gave birth to my beautiful DD, yet spent that morning in the GUM clinic.

I found out too late that Xp had given me an infection , one which DD caught at birth and which nearly took her sight and could have taken her life but from which she is now clear.

Had I found out in time, a course of AntiB's during pregnancy would have cleared me and therefore saved my baby from all she went through.

You cannot rely on him to have thought to protect you and your baby because, unfortunately, you were probably the last things on his mind.

Poor you ate
I will go and get a check up because even though he says there is no need, I know he lies to me and will say anything to try & cover up, so I cannot believe him. Better safe than sorry and all that

Life is much more than this, leave him. You know if you stay together that you will not be happy and may catch something nasty, amoungst the other piles of crap about this man, but if you leave then you have a chance (bloody good one) of finding happiness.

oh for goodness sake just leave the man. It's not that hard.

He doesn't love you. He is using you. And what are you getting out of it apart from stress?

And why the hell did you give him a jumper and a blanket?! You're not his mother.

OMDB, it is hard. Of course it's hard. If your not emotionally involved, well hey, it's a piece of piss.

natch

If I was on the outside looking in, I would think it should be easy to go. But it is definitely hard. There are the practical considerations, like being unable to afford the mortgage / no job / new baby 3 months away. There is fear and uncertainty, no doubt low self esteem, which he hasn't helped etc etc.
I did leave when i had somewhere else to go - my mum's. But she died, and that left me more vulnerable, and idiot-like I took him back.
I've asked him to go, and he simply won't.
Sometimes it seems like such hard work to escape.
plus guilt at splitting up dd from her dad, even though I know it's not a healthy relationship / situation for her to grow up in.

But it has to happen eventually because there is nothing for me in this relationship at all other than stress, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration - no love, trust, liking, respect. It's very depressing