Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

Take the watch back and let him buy it. If you need someone to accompany you on the holiday to Dubai sorry I'm out as it's not somewhere I want to visit but if you can re-book somewhere else I'll pay my half and come with you.

What an ungrateful sod

And as OP has gone off crying, DH doesn't know how upset she is.

The watch was a gift. Surely most gifts bought for other people are a ‘surprise’, given that most people don’t know what they’ve got until they unwrap it. Or do you, for example, tell your kids what is in their Christmas presents before they open them?

Oh for Gods sakes. Being annoyed with your thoughtful gifts is ungrateful.

An adult should be able to say - Fabulous watch and holiday. I love how much thought you've put it in to it. Can I have a think about what I want to do whilst we in Dubai because I've always wanted to XYZ? Or I love the watch but would you mind if I changed the strap because I've seen a blah, blah.

You can accept a lovely but non perfect gift with grace and adapt whatever you need to improve it without making the gift giver feel like they've done something wrong.

Well then he should stop being such a sulky moany sod about it shouldn't he? What kind of a husband is he when she makes all this effort and all he can do is pick it apart? I wouldn't want to be 'celebrating' anyone who behaves that way.

My parents always asked me what I wanted for Christmas from the age of 7.

As I posted earlier, my partner and I always ask each other what we want for birthdays and Christmas. For friends I always take them out for lunch or dinner and let them choose where.

Did you even read the OP? It was the exact watch he wanted - he doesn’t want her to take it back so he can choose another. He is stamping his foot because the very expensive gift she saved for, which was exactly what he wanted, didn’t include the trip to flash the cash to a simpering shop assistant.

The holiday was also on his bucket list - his dream destination.

He’s an arse, a selfish arse and the OP is supposedly married to a 50 year old adult not a five year old who still has tantrums.

I’d be interested to know how much effort he has put into her significant birthdays.

Well actually now my kids are older, they do generally know what they are getting. My DD wants a phone this Christmas...it will only be a cheapish one but will still be a big item present so she won't be getting much else. Likewise my DS is after a games console. This is very unlikely and would have to be a joint Christmas/birthday present along with any money he might get from relatives, so if he genuinely wants that item he will only be getting small token gestures wrapped up.

Same with me. I wanted Dr Marten boots, money came from our joint account but I wanted to try them on first and then they got wrapped up.

We don't really do surprises in our house.

He isn't stamping his foot though, he just said he was annoyed he didn't get to choose it. As I said, no different to many women who like to choose their own engagement ring and have the experience in the shop of trying them on.

He has in fact refused to go on the holiday which I would definitely put in the “ untoward” category.

Did you read the OP's other posts?

What he wanted was the watch plus watch-buying experience. Op didn't realise and thought it was simply the watch he wanted.

And this wasn’t really a ‘surprise’ either, as he’d repeatedly told the OP that it was something he wanted. She’s hardly gone rogue and bought something he’d never shown an interest in. He said he wanted it, she bought it.

Yes I did and it changes nothing. He was given the very expensive watch he wanted - the exact watch. He stamped his foot because he didn’t get to go into the shop, play the big man and flash the cash as the “experience”. She offered to take it back and he doesn’t want that either.

No acknowledgement or appreciation that she has worked and saved to buy him his dream, just a tantrum that he didn’t get the extra double cherry on top of the very expensive cake.

In a child or a teenager that would be described as “spoiled brat” behaviour.

For his 51st, buy him an Oxfam goat, see if that makes him any happier.

@MrsM101 I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bruised by all this , you’ve put years of thought, saving and love into making his 50th special, and it’s completely understandable that his reaction has left you hurt.

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like you “did anything wrong”. It sounds like you and your husband have very different ideas about what makes something special.

For you, the effort, planning, saving, surprising, and choosing things he’s always wanted is how you show love.

For him, the process, researching the watch, going into the shop, choosing the exact one, planning the holiday, being involved, is part of the enjoyment. He isn’t rejecting the watch or the holiday; he’s reacting to the fact that he didn’t get to participate in the bits that matter to him.

That doesn’t make his delivery kind, and it certainly doesn’t make your tears any less valid. You’ve done something incredibly thoughtful, and he’s responded in a way that’s clumsy at best and hurtful at worst.

But this isn’t a failure on your part. It’s a mismatch in love languages and expectations.

If anything, the fact that both the watch and Dubai were already on his bucket list shows you were absolutely paying attention, you just didn’t realise that how he gets those things is as important to him as the things themselves. You haven’t “messed up”. You’ve tried to give him joy in the way you give love. He wanted to experience joy in the way he receives love.

A calm conversation might help, not about blame, but about the fact that you’re upset because you wanted to celebrate him, and his reaction made you feel unappreciated. Or if you feel you can't talk to him about it without getting upset, write it down for him. He may genuinely not realise how much this has hurt you.
And please don’t hide upstairs crying. You’ve done something incredibly generous. You deserve kindness and appreciation, not embarrassment.

Well the OP clearly took away his opportunity to play Billy big bollocks with her money. What an ungrateful arse. In your shoes I would return the watch and cancel the holiday @MrsM101 because he has said he doesn’t want either. Take him at his word and keep the money for yourself.

OP said previously he said he would love to go to Dubai so unless you think anyone is interested in your opinion of world politics (from the Guardian) a totally moronic post

He's upset because he didn't get what he wanted, which was watch plus buying experience.

We can all have our view on whether he was silly to want that, but the fact is everyone is insisting he got what he wanted, when he didn't, and is unhappy about it.

Again, I think he's awful to express this unhappiness when his wife thought she got what he wanted but hadn't.

But the conversation should be about why OP didn't actually know what he wanted in the first place. Was he not clear, did he change the goalposts, was there a misunderstanding or assumptions made by OP? Is he pretending to be dissatisfied when he isn't?

Otherwise everyone is just insisting he should be happy when he isn't.

Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go

Call it a metaphorical foot stamping but having been given exactly what he wanted there is no appreciation for the effort and cost to the OP, just childish reaction because he got 99% of what he wanted and not the 100% because the OP didn’t know he wanted the extra 1%

Is that how you would react to someone who had gone to great expense and time to buy exactly what you wanted?

“Watch buying experience”? Really? Is he five or fifty?

Until this thread I had never heard of a store experience .
Now that I know, all I can think about is Pretty Woman where the Richard Gere character tells the store manager that they want “ major sucking up” .
Are you sure your husband is 50 and not 5 ?

Sorry @StealMySunshining . More or less repeated you !

Definitely return the watch! Cancel the holiday as well if you can, and recoup your lost money.

But perhaps she has ignored that the fun of these things is the planning..
It would be like buying kids a build a bear already made..it's what they might want but the fun is making them.

To me things like this are all about the giver rather than receiver. Some do it to come across as 'aren't I wonderful for getting you this/making a grand gesture' or to show off to friends with aren't I am amazing partner for surprising them like this.

It could easily have been resolved by when he has mentioned the watch dropping hints or having a surprise trip to town and suggesting going in to look and then saying this is your birthday present. Or getting a brochure of Dubai holidays from the travel agent and wrapping that up and saying surprise, I am treating you to a trip to Dubai.
She could still have got the things he wanted this way.

Great minds!