How to stop resenting unemployed DH?

[LysRose]

Looking for advice from those who have survived difficult times? How do I stop myself from resenting DH?

DH is unemployed by choice (abruptly left last job due to growing dislike of it) signed on for UC and is in “no rush” to find a new role because he needs something he will enjoy.

We have very young DC (I’m on mat leave). Finances are challenging and I don’t want to get back into debt I worked so hard to get out of. DH spends most of the day in front of the TV/lounging around. Complains when asked to cook. Complains when asked to help clean. Complains when asked to spend time with DC. Complains is always tired because he sleeps late and has to get up early for school runs. He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I want to make it work and I know hard times don’t last forever but just looking for any advice on how to stay positive when most things irritate me.

You resent him because he's a lazy fuck who doesn't pull his weight and complains of you ask him to. You're basically a single parent but cooking and cleaning for him too.

That's him. It's not going away and he'll never find a job he "enjoys", he enjoys being a lazy schlub.

Any way you could move to your parents'? I'd be gone myself.

Take a look at the Facebook group called Bridging the gap, I think it could be helpful for you.

If him leaving his job is just the tip of the iceberg and there’s been so much more crappy behaviour for years previously what are you waiting for?

Him getting another job isn’t going to erase all the other crappy behaviour or stop it from happening in the future. It will just mean he has a job and is still a crappy husband.

You don’t stop resenting him - you tell him to get his shit together unless he’s mentally or physically unwell he needs to sort it out - you’ve a new baby and he’s acting like another child and draining your already limited resources

Why the chuff would anyone with an ounce of sense want advice on how to not resent him?

He's a lazy, work shy, scrounging fucker. Get rid.

You need to proceed very carefully ie..with legal advice and a clear plan before you talk to him about anything.

I am sorry that you have had these struggles.

Your situation is not the same as that of OP and her DH. She has not said that he is ill (or even claiming to be ill). He is complaining every time he is asked to do something around the house; OP shouldn't even have to ask.

The kids and you should be his priority and his "job". What I mean is that the time he would have spent at work he needs to be spending being productive. Now that can be looking after the kids fully, taking care of the house and sorting food out for all of you.
Or the same amount of time looking and applying for work.
Finding the "perfect job" is so much easier if he was working in anything. My daughters boyfriend was recently made redundant and looked for any work even applying to work on the bins, stack shelves, gardening companies and all sorts just so he had a job and could then look for what he actually wanted. Took him about 3 weeks to find himself a new job and as it doesnt start for 6 weeks he took on bar work. He was round with us two evenings a week from when he found out about the redundancy so we could help him find anything after he asked if we could help him look. Hes 18 and this has gone a long way towards making me happy my daughter has chosen well and its made her happy that he is proactive. He also does the dishwasher or mows the lawn if hes waiting for our daughter to get home or get ready. Never asks just gets on and does it.

If an 18 year old can be that proactive. There is no excuse for anyone.

You need to sit your partner down and explain what is required for his family.

I would LTB! My exdh did something similar - took voluntary redundancy- just after dd3 was born. She is now 18 and hasn't worked since!

He's a deadbeat hiding in plain sight. How much energy do you want to expend trying to get him to change his ways?

I wonder what his reaction would be if you were to say to him, "if you don't get a job in 6 weeks I'm filing for divorce".

It's your bottom line really. If he's not willing to step up and be a good husband and father then you're on a hiding to nothing. Better to face up to whatever the reality is and to start making plans for your future.

Baffles me how people get away with this ! I work in benefits and see just loads of middle aged people who have barely worked their whole lives ! People say the benefits system makes people look for work but I honestly think they just give up on a certain group of people after a while.

I want to make it work

Relationships can only work if BOTH people are willing to support each other, listen to each other, and know how to compromise. He isn't interested in making the family unit work, he's interested in being a kept teenager. Get rid of him as he's broken, useless and actually making life harder for you.

Go to Citizens Advice and Women's Aid for support and advice. Your life can be so much better without him.

Announce that, due to DH not coping with the domestic and job hunting work load, you think it is very important for DH to have a thorough medical check up.

Book him in for a full check plus dental, hearing and eye tests. You have young children and they do not need a dead father.

There must be a reason why he is grumpy when asked to pull an equal adult load.

Then buy him an agent to help his search for a new job - as a birthday gift.

Short answer - he finds a job and starts to enjoy contributing.

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I'd be more than annoyed. I'd be furious.

What does he bring to family life, or your relationship? I finding it hard to see anything.

I didn’t ’get over it’. I divorced the fucker.

I actually think they're scared of him! I work but as I'm on a zero hours contract I have to sign on about once a year. They are always very focused on me finding other work but he goes every 2 weeks, rearranges if its inconvenient for him and goes on with his life. I went in a couple of weeks ago and the person actually asked me why doesn't he want to get a job! He has no health issues, mental or physical, takes no medication, has a full driving licence etc.

Great advice. With some people you just need to be brutally honest but if you set boundaries and expectations you have to stick by them or else they dont mean anything

@Pickledonion1999 he 'retires' next April. I am wondering what he'll do then as I doubt he has enough credits for a full pension. He's not English and has only been on benefits 8 years. Before that he just gambled away a few hundred thousand of savings and emptied his pension fund by drawing down cash.

He's a lazy, sponging, freeloading cunt. Boot him into orbit. You deserve better.

He'll most likely get Pension credit then and all the freebies that come with that !

Look, he doesn't care about you. He's not going to change. Either accept that this is what your relationship is like or end it.

He is a waste of space. Lazy idle sponger. You must be so ashamed to be living off other people's tax money. I couldn't do that unless I was ill.

Ugh he’s a loser. I’m so sorry OP. A man with a tiny baby at home should want to be out providing. It’s biological. There’s something fundamentally wrong with him. Get rid.

How long has this been going on?