How to stop resenting unemployed DH?

[LysRose]

Looking for advice from those who have survived difficult times? How do I stop myself from resenting DH?

DH is unemployed by choice (abruptly left last job due to growing dislike of it) signed on for UC and is in “no rush” to find a new role because he needs something he will enjoy.

We have very young DC (I’m on mat leave). Finances are challenging and I don’t want to get back into debt I worked so hard to get out of. DH spends most of the day in front of the TV/lounging around. Complains when asked to cook. Complains when asked to help clean. Complains when asked to spend time with DC. Complains is always tired because he sleeps late and has to get up early for school runs. He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I want to make it work and I know hard times don’t last forever but just looking for any advice on how to stay positive when most things irritate me.

How is he getting benefits if he left his job voluntarily and isn't actively job seeking?

It sounds as if you'll be better off without this man. I wouldn't be letting him know that you're planning on terminating the relationship.
You don't want to give him any opportunity to work things to his advantage and make sure you're still the one doing all the work and paying for everything.

Can you not finish things and kick him out? Sounds like another wasteman

So he has lied to UC so he can get benefits and thus put you in a vulnerable position if you decide you're not happy with the situation and want to leave. He can claim he is the primary carer in family court.

I would not stand for this. I would send a message to Universal Credit to let them know that my husband was fraudulently claiming UC and that I am the actual main carer. That would soon stop this farce. He can't even be bothered to go to sleep so that he can do the school run in time. Presumably you are the one who gets Child Benefit payments?

God I can’t bear lazy men. He sounds pathetic. Lazy, idle sponger.

This won’t get any better! My ex walked out of a job 2 weeks after DD1 was born. He thought it would be fine for him to just laze around. I had to threaten to throw him out before he agreed to get a job. He got a minimum wage job despite having a degree (this was the 90s when there were jobs!) He stayed in that job for 8 years without any attempts to progress. Looking back the signs were there when I met him. He was only working 2 days a week whilst claiming to be a carer for his nan (this involved getting her shopping once a week) I got rid eventually but he’s now sponging off his second wife living with her and her mother. A complete waster!
OP, you deserve better and he needs an ultimatum. You take any job and continue looking for a better one, what a pathetic excuse for a man!

I think you should take heed of this op. It sounds like he's already trying to stitch you up so that you'll be much worse off if you try and get rid of him.

I don’t see how you could ever not resent him. It sounds like you are parenting an older teenager rather than in a relationship of equals. What does he actually add to your life?

He only does this because he can, you allow him to treat you all like this. Move him out your a single parent by any other name. He is a waste of space, terrible example to your children what type of man does not feel a responsibility to ensure his wife and children are well looked after. Honestly do yourself a favour and stop letting him treat you so badly, he does this because there are no consequences for him he knows you won’t leave or he genuinely doesn’t care about you

There are some nasty comments here. I'm a man and have been through 6 different careers where I struggled and felt depressed/anxious pretty much 24/7. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar 2 and lived with that for years with medication and I started to think I was unemployable.

In my mid thirties because the medication wasn't working I had a further review and I've been diagnosed with autism which explains so much. I have then found a job which doesn't distress me and I work full time.

I'm not saying this man has autism but frankly the facile and inane reductionist comments on here make my blood boil when people are judging someone harshly with incomplete information. The OP is asking for help and people are posting on here in instances not with advice but with judgement of him like they have a thorough understanding of the situation.

Would you consider leaving him OP? If so, I'd definitely get proper legal advice re the likely outcome with dc. It may be that you could do more for a while in advance of splitting, and keep records, in case you need to prove he isn't the main carer? But proper advice for sure!

If you're not open to leaving, I don't know what to say except I feel for you and take all the outside help you can get.

He deserves resentment. He deserves to be out on his arse to be quite honest. Repulsive

Who walks out of a job without having something else lined up when you have no financial plan? Did he even speak to you about his plan before quitting?

He sounds like an irresponsible loser. Is this a cycle you want to continue forever?

Why you putting up with this shit? Raise your bar!

Throw him out for Christs sake.

The main carer of a child under 2 I believe doesn't have to apply jobs if on UC. We investigated if we would be eligible while I am on mat leave and DH is a (hard working and far from lazy) SAHD for our older child, and we would be because of a child being under 2 and my income being low while on mat leave. But I would expect a main carer to actually, you know, do some caring!

Change this and DO NOT let it be an established norm.
If you ever do want to leave youll be fucked.
Health visits, dentist etc you do all of it..
School primary contact, nursery etc. All you.....

I want to make it work.

Geniunely why? He sounds selfish irresponsible and like a dosser....

He has responsibilities as a husband and father and sacked that off and decided he had got the hump and he'd walk away from financial security of employment and put all that responsibility on you while you are postpartum....
What. A. Prince.

You should feel more than resentful, you should be furious.

He is essentially putting you into voluntary hardship because May pay + UC doesn’t make it easy to feed and care for a family of 4.

You need to have a serious conversation around his actual plans to get back to employment. This is. It sustainable and if he is not keen - why? Is he depressed? If he still doesn’t progress with obtaining a job you need to consider how long you’re prepared to tolerate it before you are plunged back into debt babying him.

op, you may think you’re being kind to your DCs by staying with this man and to keep trying and trying, but unfortunately it’s the opposite. What we role model to our dc is so important as it forms the basis on their thoughts on how a relationship should be. So for your daughters you’re teaching them what to expect from a man. You should be wanting them to expect more by expecting more yourself.

He’s going to end up getting sanctioned and you’re going to be living off your mat leave money.

He isn't because op said earlier he has put himself down as the main carer for the kids !

There's "not letting resentment build up and accepting things ebb and flow" and there's "allowing a man to contribute nothing for no good reason". I think this is the latter. Not liking your job and deciding to therefore sponge of your partner whilst also not doing childcare is wildly unfair. If he wanted to quit, you should have agreed together whether it was financially possible and that it would mean he'd become a housebhusband and sahd. What if you just quit your job..! You wouldn't because you know you need to provide for your family.
Agree some boundaries, tell him to get mental health support if needed and agree a timeline in which he needs to find work, even if it isn't his dream job

Have you warned him he's in danger of losing his family because his current behaviour is marriage wrecking? Not the depression. But the lack of domestic effort and sharing of childcare.

How old is your youngest? Mat leave is for a mother to recover from childbirth, not for a mother to do everything as her husband is a lazy dick.

I’d lose all respect for him. I’d talk to him about how he thinks things will go when you go back to work. He should be picking up all house chores, cooking etc and looking after the Dc. You should have equal amounts of down time. Also, what is his plan for looking for work again?

Good luck. he sounds irredeemably lazy.

Thank you all for you comments/stories/advice. I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this in real life so it’s been a real eye opener that I can’t let this continue. I wish I could say so much more to give a better picture of just how crap things have been but I don’t want to expose myself. It’s just the tip of the iceberg of years of this and the last straw for me was him leaving the job. Going to have some serious conversations with DH because ultimately I care about the DC most and I really don’t want them to suffer the consequences of his poor financial decisions long term.
Thank you all, even the more straight to the point comments!!

I'm so sorry.
He's a selfish loser.
Be careful.
I would contact Women's aid because a man who would do this to a woman who is on mat leave is not trustworthy.