How to stop resenting unemployed DH?

[LysRose]

Looking for advice from those who have survived difficult times? How do I stop myself from resenting DH?

DH is unemployed by choice (abruptly left last job due to growing dislike of it) signed on for UC and is in “no rush” to find a new role because he needs something he will enjoy.

We have very young DC (I’m on mat leave). Finances are challenging and I don’t want to get back into debt I worked so hard to get out of. DH spends most of the day in front of the TV/lounging around. Complains when asked to cook. Complains when asked to help clean. Complains when asked to spend time with DC. Complains is always tired because he sleeps late and has to get up early for school runs. He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I want to make it work and I know hard times don’t last forever but just looking for any advice on how to stay positive when most things irritate me.

I don’t understand how he’s managing this. I am unemployed after my previous contract ended. I’m getting UC and to be able to receive this I have to attend my local job centre every two weeks and keep a record of all of the jobs I have applied for. I am expected to spend my full time looking for and applying for work (rightly so!). So how is he able to lounge around all day?

No. Stay angry and don't accept this. No one who doesn't have their own money has the luxury of waiting for a magical dream job that they will love. The fact that he walked out of a previous one with no job lined up made everything harder. How many people are slaving away in miserable or dull jobs just to make ends meet. To compound this, how many parents would love to work less to spend time with their children? This is disgusting. He is a terrible person, citizen, husband and father. Stay angry.

reminds me of my boyfriend, stay strong, queen

I don't even see how he's able to get UC if he's not actively job seeking. And became unemployed 'by choice'?! It must be a very small amount.

Ridiculous of him and you need to tell him to stop sponging off you or he's out the door.

He needs to shape up or ship out.

Thank you for this, really helpful perspective. I think he focusses on how he feels and doesn’t understand how it’s affecting me to the full extent.
I’ve tried firm/tough love conversations and also a gentler approach but it doesn’t seem to be clicking and I need to be clearer about my boundaries

Tell him you can swap roles for a week. Then he’ll know how you feel.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you get the ‘I’m depressed’ line from him next.

Thanks for the comments all. Feel validated that my feelings towards this are not ridiculous. I really am tired. We need to have tougher conversations because I can’t continue like this and when I’m back to work I don’t want him just sitting at home expecting me to pay for everything on my part time salary. UC that we get is not much and it’ll reduce once I’m back working anyways so a job is what’s needed long term

Hes being a child hes resenting you being off work and that youre not putting him 1st

You don’t need to try and stop resenting him. Resent him all you want, all day because what is he actually bringing to this relationship?

He’s probably down as the children’s main carer because OP is working!

Yes exactly ! And if op is earning over a certain amount he will be left alone with no work commitments. The threshold for one parent not having any work commitments really is very low.

What kind of man quits his job when his wife is on mat leave and you have young children to provide for? he sounds like a asshole.

My DH works his ass off to provide for our family, he has his own business and he definitely doesn’t enjoy every single day and it’s really stressful at times… but that is what you do as a provider??

He seems very irresponsible.

Who voluntarily walks out of a job when their partner is on maternity leave & there are children to provide for? I’m struggling to get past that TBH.

He sounds lazy and unmotivated. My ex husband worked and I didn't, I was looking for work and he had no shame in informing me and anyone else who would listen that as soon as I found work he would quit his job and be the "stay at home parent doing nothing all day". He only worked around 16-25 hours per week. I remember a few times I appointments on his days off, he had to do the school runs as I wouldn't be back on time and I had the kids school calling asking why they're werent picked up yet. I called him multiple times and he was asleep on the sofa each time and he ended up collecting them late. I thought well if I can't rely on him once in a while am I going to end up working to pay for reliable childcare because he definitely wasn't going to be reliable. He would work a two hour shift some days and come home to sleep for a good 6 hours leaving me to do everything for the kids all the time even if he was also there. He'd soon sit up all night gaming though

Do you push back when he complains? Or does he know that that shuts you up? If so, stand up to him. If he has no job, then his “job” is to look after you and the children. No it’s not easy but he’s taking the piss and banking on your compliance so stand up to it.

if that doesn’t work, kick his sorry a**e out.

Yeah maybe.

I would be making it black and white clear to him that when you have parental responsibilities, enjoying your job comes a long way down the list behind earning a living.

Yes this is it he put himself as the main carer

Genuinely why on earth would you want to be making it work with such a loser. Get rid
now and move forward with your life.

This. What is the point of him? You do all the work anyway, so kick him out and at least there will be one less whiney mouth to feed.

You have more paitence than me bc like hell would I let a grown man be a lay about when he is fully capable of getting a job. What a lazy prick.

You don’t. You tell him ‘I resent you sitting around doing nothing and making it difficult for our family financially during a time when I am vulnerable on Mat leave. It makes me think you would rather sit around than work to put food in your children’s mouths like fathers are supposed to. It’s deeply unattractive and I have lost respect for you. Why are you doing it as though it is normal to make yourself long term unemployed just after I have had our baby?’

thank you for this, I can sadly relate. DC1 is always late being dropped off in the mornings because DH gets up late because of late nights watching YouTube and such. The only other option is to take baby with me to do drop offs on time which is just more for me to do.
I don’t know why I have so much hope that things will change.
I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to work to provide. Why is he so comfortable to sit home and life just pass him

Unless he has depression in. Which case he should see a doctor, he’d be on his way to being my ex