How to stop resenting unemployed DH?

[LysRose]

Looking for advice from those who have survived difficult times? How do I stop myself from resenting DH?

DH is unemployed by choice (abruptly left last job due to growing dislike of it) signed on for UC and is in “no rush” to find a new role because he needs something he will enjoy.

We have very young DC (I’m on mat leave). Finances are challenging and I don’t want to get back into debt I worked so hard to get out of. DH spends most of the day in front of the TV/lounging around. Complains when asked to cook. Complains when asked to help clean. Complains when asked to spend time with DC. Complains is always tired because he sleeps late and has to get up early for school runs. He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I want to make it work and I know hard times don’t last forever but just looking for any advice on how to stay positive when most things irritate me.

I know how you feel

If you want to talk pm me

Your workload isn't balanced at all and I suspect you know that. He sounds like a lazy waste of space. I couldn't be with someone like that. He needs to either stop whinging and get any job just to pay the bills, or move out. What a drain.

He needs booted out.

Isn't he just a sponger?

Lazy sod. Has he any real intention of returning to paid employment?

That workload is not balanced and I’m shocked you think it is! He’s seriously taking the piss!

When your maternity leave ends is he looking after the kids and taking on the rest of the chores or will they go into childcare? I think I can guess the answer.

@Smith345There’s no need to quote the entire OP once let alone twice.

In the absence of any MH issues/ depression he needs a kick up the arse or needs to leave.

My understanding is that benefits are minimal when you choose to leave a job voluntarily, UC, which is means tested, demands that you actively seek work and not just sit around in front of the telly until a job you fancy drops into your lap. On that basis I don't believe the OP, if it is true there's a very simple answer LTB.

He sounds like an absolute loser. I would be losing all respect for him very quickly.

Time to stop tiptoeing around him and get serious. He needs to be told enough is enough and now is not the time to be unemployed and searching for his dream job.

Youre on maternity, your family has a new baby to provide for. Someone needs to stay home to look after that baby and someone needs to be out earning money.

It doesn’t matter what it is but he needs a job, now. When you’re back at work and things are more settled is the time for him to he thinking about what job he’d prefer to be in.

You have every right to resent him at the moment. He's being an absolute layabout, and contributing sod all.

Get rid

I'll be honest, he sounds like a dosser.
No wonder you are feeling resentful when you are trying to manage everything with a baby on your hands while he is just idling. That is so draining! It is a massive adjustment going from being a team to feeling like you are carrying a passenger. You have every right to expect more from your partner especially when money is tight and you are already stretched thin.

The thing is you have to sit him down and make it clear that this needs to change. It is not just about him finding a job it is about the partnership. Tell him honestly how all of this is making you feel and how it is affecting the way you see him. Sometimes they really do not realise the toll it takes on us until we lay it out as clearly as we can. Do not be afraid to be firm about your boundaries because you are doing so much already.
Make a list together of what needs doing and be crystal clear about your expectations for when you are not there or when you are busy with the baby. Being unemployed does not mean he gets a holiday. He has time to contribute more at home. Try to keep focusing on the good bits of your relationship when you can but do not bury your anger because it will only come out worse later on...ans you could snap and make things worse. You are doing a brilliant job under difficult circumstances so please be kind to yourself.

Yeah he sounds like a lazy arse. Why isn’t he doing ANY childcare? I bet he either can’t or won’t.

Of course you resent him. Why wouldn't you?

I wouldn’t be annoyed with him I’d be furious. Work sky, lazy, putting all the work on you, zero contribution to family life. Find your anger and leave him - I bet your life would improve no end.

I’m confused why you are with him. What is he bringing to you and your children’s’ lives? I suspect your life would be easier on your own

How is he getting away with that? I've only been on UC 2 months and I have weekly appointments to explain what jobs I've gone for, what I've got lined up. If you mis an appointment you're immediately sanctioned and your money is halved. His behaviour sounds more like dole in the 90's.

The thing is on UC, one of a couple literally can get away with having no work commitments if the other is earning what they deem is enough ( set pretty low ). So depending what op is getting on maternity leave, he may actually not be being made to look for work by the job centre. The UC claim will be a joint one.

I don’t blame you for feeling resentful. I think anyone would. He is taking the utter piss.

How could he claim UC if he left his job voluntarily?
I’ll get accused of benefit bashing but this is proof it can happen.

You should resent his lazy arse.

I think the key thing is the complaining. If he would stop that and look for ways to get more positive, he would probably end up doing more but at the very least there would be a better atmosphere at home. Suggest he posts on here about how to complain less.

Also quite surprised re his untroubled UC claim.

Gosh, what an embarrassment he is. It’s no surprise you resent him, he’s a bit pathetic isn’t he. He’s probably ruining your mat leave too. I’m no experience of this, but sympathies and hope
he matures asap.