How to stop resenting unemployed DH?

[LysRose]

Looking for advice from those who have survived difficult times? How do I stop myself from resenting DH?

DH is unemployed by choice (abruptly left last job due to growing dislike of it) signed on for UC and is in “no rush” to find a new role because he needs something he will enjoy.

We have very young DC (I’m on mat leave). Finances are challenging and I don’t want to get back into debt I worked so hard to get out of. DH spends most of the day in front of the TV/lounging around. Complains when asked to cook. Complains when asked to help clean. Complains when asked to spend time with DC. Complains is always tired because he sleeps late and has to get up early for school runs. He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

I guess I’m just annoyed as I feel he could be pulling his weight more and doing more productive things during this period.

I want to make it work and I know hard times don’t last forever but just looking for any advice on how to stay positive when most things irritate me.

Horrible realisation for you though

Curtail your maternity leave
Go back to work
He does childcare
lazy bastard

Have you read him the riot act yet? He certainly needs a wake-up call!

Taking into account childcare and other outgoings, would you be better off if he goes back to work? If it's marginal, and he isn't keen to go back to work, then he will have zero incentive.

This is how I ended up being the main breadwinner.... and we weren't eligible for any benefits ....

As you are married, and he is the main carer for the children, if you do split you will need to pay maintenance etc etc

Think carefully how best to proceed.

My partner was made unemployed a couple of years ago and gets occasional cash in hand for jobs he does for friends. He doesn't claim UC because through me working part time nmw and saving I've built up a lump sum over the £16k threshold so he wouldn't be eligible as I'd have to support him. I'm pissed off with it. My house is paid off and he's not named on any bill. I wish I was either on my own or made better relationship choices as I should have learned from my lazy job shy ex husband who would now be classed as a cocklodger, there wasn't much of that either.

He needs to get some kind of employment rather than sitting about all day. He is probably getting under your feet while you're on maternity leave. Too annoying.

I know what I would do, I would go back to work early on the premise someone has to work and money is needed and leave him to be a SAHP then he can do everything g he expects you to do

Why do you want to stop resenting him? You should resent him for his behaviour.

He does do all of the school runs/grocery shopping/bins/ hoovering and bathroom cleaning. I do all childcare when DC home, cooking, daily general cleaning, laundry, organising etc so our workload is somewhat balanced?

If he is the main carer, then he needs to do all the childcare, whether you are home or not.
You need to call his bluff. Spell out to him that as he is the main carer, he needs to do baths, bedtimes, get up in the night, prepare their meals, do all the admin for child-related things, kids laundry, sort their clothes and buy new ones as needed, the lot.
If he argues back, kicks up a fuss, or just blanks you, tell him that he is obviously not the main carer, so he is lying to the benefits office and what is his plan for the future?

To be honest, I can't see much of a future in this.

As @Crazybigtoe said, if you divorce and he tells the courts or CMS that he is the main carer and has been for X years/months, he may get more than 50% residence and you will be liable to pay him maintenance. So don't let this situation drag on once you return to work.

Do you realise OP that you are much better off leaving this man than staying with him? Check entitledto.co.uk. You may get the same benefits without him and without the expenses and extra work he brings in.

I’m not suggesting that you leave him but to give yourself and him a reality check because he is acting like any entitled young shit with no appetite to work as he has a roof over his head, someone that cooks for him and takes responsibility for the family so he can be dosing around while he uses the UC like pocket money.

I am not divorced for this reason (mine was a financially controlling workaholic) but I can tell you that I have found it much much easier raising a child on my own, than raising him on my own with a husband tripping me over at every step. One thing you realise quite quickly is that it is not the children that have you exhausted, but the anger and frustration of trying to get an adult to step up to his responsibilities.

This. He is NOT the main carer and should either shape up or stop lying.

I cannot imagine a man like this staying to be the resident parent. It would be too much work for him, he will soon be dumping the kids with relatives or disappearing altogether claiming he has a life to live.

If it gets to the point of splitting, just ensure you keep the children for more than 50% of the nights, otherwise he gets the UC and you need to pay him child maintenance (all fair if he was a responsible parent but you know already he isn’t)

Oh god leave him. You'll realise how much easier it is. There's nothing sexy or attractive about a waster, is there? (I had one once)

This is really not good. I’m so sorry you are in this position.

What is he thinking putting himself as main child carer when hd is doing nothing. I’d be suspicious that he sees you having time off work and wants the same for himself.

Im afraid I really don’t see any way out of this other than confrontation. How do you think he would respond if you said either he really does do the childcare or you are you going to get the record straight. Otherwise what is to stop him living off you forever ?

This really is intolerable. I hope you find a way out.

I’ve been married to two men who have had long periods of unemployment (I’ve always worked, god knows why I pick them) but the difference between Ex-DH and DH2 is Ex-DH did very little, a bit of housework, mostly moped around and played computer games, whereas DH2 massively stepped up around the house and with children, as well as doing everything he could to look for work.

I resented DH1, whereas DH2 bizarrely it actually strengthened our relationship as we acted like a team to problem solve the situation.

In answer to your question then, you stop resenting when he starts acting like an adult, not a self-indulgent teenager. Lay it out and tell him to get his act together, because if he continues to bring neither paid nor unpaid labour into your household, you don’t see the point of him. And you certainly won’t fancy him.

A small caveat to consider lying - did he really quit voluntarily? - and mental health issues (both of which affected DH1) but whilst that might explain the behaviour, it doesn’t mean it can continue.

I experienced this. Do not let it drift. Sit down and be clear he needs to go back to work and soon. Be very wary of what I had next which is I will be a house husband and stay home What he actually means is he will play games and go to the pub whilst only doing the drop off and pi k up. Everything else will be left to you. Nip this in the bud now.

Do you know why he hated his last job so much? If he was badly bullied/toxic workplace that may be relevant. Can you tell him he just needs to get some kind of job. It's non-negotiable. Uber driver / postman / warehouse worker whatever. While he works out his longer-term plans.

Why do you want to make it work when he seemingly isn't arsed if it does or not?

My DH has been unemployed for three years, but he does absolutely everything. We are in a financially secure position but recently he's become very despondent that he is not contributing. It does limit our options.

And I just don’t understand why you keep thinking and trying to change him in to something he’s not. He isn’t going to change op. He’s a completely selfish lazy entitled man who you and your children would be far better off without.

I would think carefully as he has put himself down as main carer for UC and if you split after you have gone back to work he will have a stronger case for claiming he his the main carer if you divorce.
I would start doing the nursery pick up and drops off, make sure you do doctors appointments etc. It would probably be a good idea to put the baby in nursery when you go back to work as then he won’t be able to claim main carer.
In terms of getting him to get a job the only way is to make life as unpleasant at home as possible. Down grade the internet, get rid of streaming services, basic food, limited hot water all on the basis it’s not affordable on UC and a part time salary

Has he actually applied for anything?

@LysRose Im kinda envious he managed to leave a job, and the sign on?? How has he done this!?

No need to quote the whole op though.

OMG! That's definitely adding insult to injury. Has he always been lazy? Did he resign from his job before he could be sacked?