Not living together with baby. Who should stay where?

[busylizzie87]

Ok so I realise this could be an unusual situation that not everyone will agree with but I really need opinions.

Been together for a few years, wanted a baby together but due to various reasons - both of us owning our homes and wanting to protect them, him caring for his mother in their home, me having older teen / almost adult children still at home - we cannot live together for a number of years. Due to our ages though baby was a now or never thing. Before I get flamed no I do not claim benefits as just over the threshold and savings.

Fast forward to now baby will be 9 months this month. We are disagreeing a lot on the time split between houses. I used to go to his a lot pre baby. He thinks this should continue but I am getting really resentful.

I am back to work 17 hours a week, doing every single thing in my own home ie cleaning shopping cooking admin. Teens help a small bit but they are working and studying, I do the vast vast majority with baby. He picks up nursery for 3 hours times 3 times a week whilst I work. I'm still anaemic and I'm tired.

He is working full time in a physical job and he is older late 40s and does around half the chores in his house and helps his mother who needs some care but honestly not a lot of input. I get that he is also tired.

Increasingly resenting him wanting me to go over to his house to see baby / spend time together. I know, I know, this is what I signed up for, but it's making me so mad. He will come here but not for long and can tell he prefers his own house and never suggests to come here, always asking me there. To be honest I do too and I don't like his mother. I am considering making the decision that I no longer go there regularly. I'm burnt out and I feel like it's unfair with me doing 90% with baby and that he should come here where I can get on with things.

It's a 5 minute drive away so it's not distance.

While she is still a baby inevitably you need to be with her but very soon she will
be able to stay with him without you.

If you are doing the lions share of the parenting, he should definitely be coming to you. Tough if he doesn't like it. He might be able to have her at his without you though soon, and that would give you a little break to recharge batteries.

Have you pointed this all out to him? I cant believe you are doing 90% of the baby legwork and he isnt falling over himself to make life easier for you tbh, has he no appreciation of that whatsoever?

Just stay at yours, he can come over if he wants to. Just make sure he’s not using too much of your food/ water etc

Is this a relationship you want to work out? I think you need to set a boundary that the baby has a home - your home. And he can either visit it regularly and co parent or - if the relationship isn't working, he can start picking the baby up and taking it as a co parent woul dbe if a relationship broke down.

he sounds like life hasn't changed much as a parent for him.

At what point did either of you think of the child?

Did he just want the baby as a new hobby to pick up when he feels like it rather than to bring it up?

Sorry I should have been clearer - he does pick her up from nursery and take her to his house two or three times a week for about 3 hours until I pick her up, whilst I am at work.

Yes I've pointed this all out to him and he does make all the right noises about how he knows it's hard for me doing all the parenting, but then on the other hand he moans about coming over to mine stating because he works full time and has to deal with his mother and some of his household stuff. To be fair, he does help with baby if I go up to his house, feeding her, bathing her etc but honestly, like him, I'd just prefer to be in my own environment and getting on with my own housework and my house is more peaceful and organised. I don't like his mother although we are civil but we also don't get any time alone together there either because no separate room for baby to go in so she has to stay in with us.

It used to be different when my older ones were younger and pre baby it'd make more sense for me to go there when they were at their dad's or school. But now they are older one is moving out soon and the other is out most of the time and with baby I feel it's much easier for him to come here, but he seems to want the status quo cause it suits him.

You really didn’t think this through together did you?

You aren't co-parenting - you’ve let him opt out of that. Either you enforce it, and that means him coming to the baby’s home, not “visiting”, or your separate and he takes a custody share and pays CMS.

The decider is if you actually want a relationship with a man who treats his child like occasional entertainment?

@sittingonabeach Nice. Thanks. I may be wrong, but we do 'think of the child' , we are both solvent and live only minutes apart, baby has two parents who love her very much and can co-parent should the relationship (of years, not just a fling) not work out.

The poor baby. It really is all about the adults wants and needs these days

@MyCatIsAnAeroplane Yes I accept that, with hindsight. I guess I forgot how difficult and tiring the early years are especially as an older mum now. I thought we could go between houses given the short distance, I even bought all the stuff for his house cots etc, but in reality now I am back at work albeit part time I just want to be in my own home at the end of the day.

What do you mean by enforce co-parenting where he comes to her home?

Why do you collect babe? Leave her with her dad on the days he picks her up You could pop in to see her for those days but then he gets to do the parenting while you go home. Why doesn’t he want to be at yours?

@Mindtheagp Oh do go away. Baby is much loved by both parents and older half siblings, two homes only minutes apart. Not ideal, no, but sick of these comments.

@GOATYOAT I collect her cause on those days it's nearly her bed time by the time I finish and I don't want to leave her overnight, but also don't want to stay at his.
I'm not sure why he doesn't want to come here actually. I can see no reason for it. My older children never wanted him living here and I respected their wishes and so I went to his 99% of time pre baby, but now one of them is moving out very soon and the other is hardly here either at uni work or girlfriend. My house is clean and organised and more space and opportunity for time together than his, own room for baby etc. I guess he's just stuck in his ways. He has a dog that needs walking but he could go pop back and do that.

I suppose I'm wondering how reasonable I would be to make the decision I am not going there anymore and he has to come here if he wants to see both of us or take baby to his if wants to just see her.

You must have known bringing a new born into this would be far from easy. You both have to do your best in a far from ideal situation. Hard to comment on who should be doing what. You both have responsibilities and commitments.

I think you should each spend the week in your own homes and alternate weekends, maybe half the weekend in each house so you're never away from your own houses for too long. If he wants to see you and the baby during the week he comes to your house and does his share, otherwise he can be a weekend dad. It's preposterous that he expects you and baby to come to his after work during the week, just no.

@busylizzie87 many children hate being shunted between parents, why would you purposely create this situation for the child?

Be fair, that's not what they did, they planned to shunt the baby between houses but with both parents. Still a silly idea but not the same.

Regardless of whatever you agreed prior to baby, If you are doing the majority of parenting and feeling burnt out then he should be more accommodating for you. Have you explained to him exactly how you feel? Ask him what will help him feel more comfortable at yours?

Also, just out of curiosity.. Is his house going to be baby proofed for the toddler years? What about when child is at school? What about if his mother becomes frail and doesn’t want a child making noise and mess in the home? Does baby have a bedroom at his house?

This is a combination of circumstances, where together you made a decision to have a baby together, it is not working out but nobody is at fault.

It hasn’t worked out for either of you, mainly because you are both older and not as energetic as you were years ago.
You have both added to your responsibilities, you for your teens, him for his mum.
All you can do now is try and work out a plan of how life works. Do you not spend any family time altogether, you, him, his mum, the new baby and your teens?
You sound as if you are living the life if separated parents, not a family with a child. If this is the case you are veering into a shared care arrangement, planning out when your child is with who?

My goodness you make it sound like a business arrangement which needs to suit both parties. Poor kid.

Why is he caring for his mother?

I think a true commitment to you and his child might mean re-evaluating whether he can carry on caring so much for his mother. Could she not have carers coming in so he can live with you more? If I were you I'd be hoping that would be the direction the situation was going to evolve.

Do you think you will ever want to live together? Is it something you’re working towards?

Have him pick the baby up and take them to his house. You can do what you need do or realx. If you're tired and burned out, you need a break and that is the only way to get one, it also enables him to see the baby in his own home more.