Not living together with baby. Who should stay where?

[busylizzie87]

Ok so I realise this could be an unusual situation that not everyone will agree with but I really need opinions.

Been together for a few years, wanted a baby together but due to various reasons - both of us owning our homes and wanting to protect them, him caring for his mother in their home, me having older teen / almost adult children still at home - we cannot live together for a number of years. Due to our ages though baby was a now or never thing. Before I get flamed no I do not claim benefits as just over the threshold and savings.

Fast forward to now baby will be 9 months this month. We are disagreeing a lot on the time split between houses. I used to go to his a lot pre baby. He thinks this should continue but I am getting really resentful.

I am back to work 17 hours a week, doing every single thing in my own home ie cleaning shopping cooking admin. Teens help a small bit but they are working and studying, I do the vast vast majority with baby. He picks up nursery for 3 hours times 3 times a week whilst I work. I'm still anaemic and I'm tired.

He is working full time in a physical job and he is older late 40s and does around half the chores in his house and helps his mother who needs some care but honestly not a lot of input. I get that he is also tired.

Increasingly resenting him wanting me to go over to his house to see baby / spend time together. I know, I know, this is what I signed up for, but it's making me so mad. He will come here but not for long and can tell he prefers his own house and never suggests to come here, always asking me there. To be honest I do too and I don't like his mother. I am considering making the decision that I no longer go there regularly. I'm burnt out and I feel like it's unfair with me doing 90% with baby and that he should come here where I can get on with things.

It's a 5 minute drive away so it's not distance.

For anyone who made it through reading that, I think what was discussed was that baby would be primarily with me, DP did bring up space at his as a problem. He also is working over time as he's a bit behind others at his age career-wise because he had to take a couple years off to care for his mum after a serious health thing in recent years.

It was assumed I think that I would continue to go there on weekends as I always did but with baby and we'd make it work.

Since I went back to work I just can't do it. If I'm there I'm not getting anything done in my house, and we aren't getting any quality time together either crammed in one room with baby and his mum around. Someone made a comment that I think may be correct - he loves his daughter I think more than he expected to, wants to see her daily, but wants me to bring her to him. He doesn't really like being in my house even though he is always welcome. Set in his ways. We both are I think.

If it’s the end, then he would have to have baby ivernight

so why not do that now a couple if nights a week? See how that goes so you get a break

@TourdeCrema He probably won't have her overnight until she's a bit older, and I'm ok with that. It's not the work I'm unhappy with it's the fact that we are not getting any time together because he doesn't seem to want to come here and I don't think I can bear going there any more with the lack of space, all chores undone at mine (although he could say same), and interference from his mum.

Its the easiest thing in the world to believe.

So he hasn’t room for a tiny baby but he does for an adult AND the tiny baby every weekend?

@Nearly50omg He isn't saying that, I am the one saying he has room for neither of those options and he should come here.

He's just messaged me proposing that I come there this evening for dinner as he's just finished work. Hinting at intimacy. How?! With both of us and a baby in one tiny room and his mother milling about the hall?! It's driving me mad to be honest, making me resentful. I wasn't at work today but have been dealing with baby all day who was up in the night.

Gosh, @busylizzie87 you’re doing so much. You’re doing brilliantly, your DP not so good. He’s behaving entitled, quite honestly. He should definitely be making more effort to spend time at yours.

To be honest, with his attitude I would be questioning my future with this man.

Having a baby late in life often takes far more energy than you realise, having 2 houses also means having to look after your house- this is a lot to take on.
Everyone prefers their own home it's natural, so you can't really slate him for that. I think you have to suck it up until the baby doesn't need you constantly and work out a schedule that works for you both.

If you prefer your house and he prefers his, I think it’s fair that you divide your time between the two houses.
if you’d rather split up, then do that.

@Blueyblueyblue To be fair he is also busy between work and looking after his own house well most of the chores around his, but yes I am probably doing more in terms of who gets more free time.

@Laurmolonlabe Do you mean I should go to his? Not being defensive just I really cannot work out if I am being unreasonable to basically want to refuse to go to his.

@Thingsthatgo Thanks for opinion. I am not sure about the relationship to be honest, I do love him but really don't feel I can keep going there and keep my sanity.

Yes, you’re doing far more, especially looking after his child! You are giving him too much credit for what he’s doing. On top of that he expects you and his child to go to his place. He’s very entitled.

Just tell him its not working. Its not! You have increased your workload by a half with the addition of the baby and he hasn’t. He is still living at home with his mother and his workload has not increased at all —certainly with respect to caring for you or the baby.

Just tell him to come to yours to see the baby, wash the baby’s clothes, cook dinner for you or otherwise pitch in. There is no need to pretend you are comfortable at his. What an absurd insistence on fake equality when in reality the situation is so unbalanced and unfair. NO you don’t want to be confined to one room while mummy dearest lurks in the hallway. Obviously.

😂@pikkumyy77 It's really not funny the situation, but you did make me laugh with "NO you don’t want to be confined to one room while mummy dearest lurks in the hallway. Obviously." That's exactly what it is like!

He does work more and he does care for her 3 x 3 hours a week after his work, he takes her to his and gives her dinner and bath etc. I get that he is tired too, but so am I, and I really can't do it anymore.

He is sulking a bit now I think because I refused to go there this evening. Don't know how this is going to go. It's been making me sad and anxious for a while, ever since I came out of the post partum fog.

Think I'm going to have to lay down the law that in a few weeks time when my adult DC move out, he will just need to come here if he wants to see me or me and baby together.

I can see why you possibly thought the set up might work... but honestly, as a nearly 40 year old homeowner, I think it's crazy to be squeezing into one bedroom with a baby, like a pair of teenage parents who are still living at home.

Here is the thing about men (in my experience) if they want to be with you they will be with you—if you are living in a cardboard box or under a bridge they will come and be with you if they want you badly enough. If a man ever said to me “you need to come to my place because I prefer it or its more convenient for me” without regard for my comfort or preference would be very unimpressed. I’m not a takeaway delivered at his convenience or a booty call.

I think it's time for her to start spending a night per week at his house. He needs to do more parenting, you need a break, and one night a week won't kill you.

@busylizzie87 does he need to be there for his DM?

@DollopOfFun Yes, because we live only minutes from each other we thought it could work, but for me it just is not. I'm incredibly resentful if I'm honest. Like @pikkumyy77 says, earlier it was like he expected a booty call cause he's been at work all week! Haven't heard from him since I said no I don't know why you think it's feasible with baby in the same room and your mum milling about. Granted, I never asked him to come here - he could because my dc are going out tonight - but I never asked because I need time to think.

@sittingonabeach Not currently, no. She doesn't require care like that. She gets breathless and so he does around half of the housework any heavy stuff and she still does most of the cooking and all the laundry still. He does walk her dog in the evenings and last thing at night (she does during the day) and he'll likely use that as an excuse why he can't come here. She is getting older though and slightly more frail and at some point he likely will expect me to go there. Not sure this is going to work, sadly.

@busylizzie87 does mum have a place of her own? How old is she?

Is his house a 2 bed? Why have you got the small room. If the house is his he should have the big room and his mum the box room. How old is she? She doesn’t sound like she can’t live alone so why won’t he move her out. But it sounds like even if she moved out you wouldn’t go to his anyway because of the chores you have to do.

@sittingonabeach No it's her house and he had moved back in way before I met him. She's late 70s.

@BeeHive909 No, this is why I hate going there - it's a 1 bed. His mum has the living room as her room because it's bigger. He has the bedroom it's pretty small not a box room but pretty small. His bed and wardrobes take up most of the room, there is a 2 seater in there as well and a travel cot for baby but it's extremely cramped almost no space at all. Baby is a light sleeper so I stopped sleeping over there a couple months ago cause we kept waking her up if went to loo etc, and if his mum is up she always makes nasty comments if I even leave baby to cry for a couple minutes to see if she'll settle (I'm honestly not a bad mum, she sometimes wakes and will settle herself after a couple of minutes, if it was longer or she was actually distressed I'd obviously intervene).

@busylizzie87 so if he lived there before you having the baby how did you see it working? Where did he live before?

This sounds ridiculous. Surely any decent mum would have encouraged her son to actually be a proper father and adult. He sounds like it is a good excuse. I do feel for the child and you. It was a silly thing to do, but now I think youd be better of just ditching him and her visiting sometimes. You don't have much more than that now anyway, it's just more confusing for the child.

Were you spending lots of time there in his mum's one bedroom house before you had a baby? When you've got a perfectly good big enough house and kids who go to their dad's? Why??

Ok, I. Hope I'm not being out of turn here, but it sounds like you had two children very young - late teens if my maths is right, and ended up as a single parent raising them yourself. Hats off to you for that, but perhaps you've not experienced parenthood as part of a committed cohabiting relationship where you both take equal responsibility for the family. So when the option for this baby came up, it didn't seem as awful a set up as many of us think it is. If that makes sense.

Honestly, I think you need to make decisions together on the future of your relationship. It sounds like you've been long a long time, but with him sharing a tiny flat with his mum.

He doesn't sound like he has a clue the impact that parenting should and will have on his life. That it is bonkers but manageable with a baby, but not workable when they are older than that.

If your kids are moving out in September then perhaps he has the choice whether to move in, but go back and see his mum frequently, maybe mum come over for dinner sometimes as well, or you split.

The current set up can't continue.