Not living together with baby. Who should stay where?

[busylizzie87]

Ok so I realise this could be an unusual situation that not everyone will agree with but I really need opinions.

Been together for a few years, wanted a baby together but due to various reasons - both of us owning our homes and wanting to protect them, him caring for his mother in their home, me having older teen / almost adult children still at home - we cannot live together for a number of years. Due to our ages though baby was a now or never thing. Before I get flamed no I do not claim benefits as just over the threshold and savings.

Fast forward to now baby will be 9 months this month. We are disagreeing a lot on the time split between houses. I used to go to his a lot pre baby. He thinks this should continue but I am getting really resentful.

I am back to work 17 hours a week, doing every single thing in my own home ie cleaning shopping cooking admin. Teens help a small bit but they are working and studying, I do the vast vast majority with baby. He picks up nursery for 3 hours times 3 times a week whilst I work. I'm still anaemic and I'm tired.

He is working full time in a physical job and he is older late 40s and does around half the chores in his house and helps his mother who needs some care but honestly not a lot of input. I get that he is also tired.

Increasingly resenting him wanting me to go over to his house to see baby / spend time together. I know, I know, this is what I signed up for, but it's making me so mad. He will come here but not for long and can tell he prefers his own house and never suggests to come here, always asking me there. To be honest I do too and I don't like his mother. I am considering making the decision that I no longer go there regularly. I'm burnt out and I feel like it's unfair with me doing 90% with baby and that he should come here where I can get on with things.

It's a 5 minute drive away so it's not distance.

I’m sorry you are getting such judgemental comments from people on here when you are doing your best. Yes the situation isn’t ideal but sometimes there is no alternative especially in the short term.

@Rosefield1 Thanks for suggestion. He works Saturdays though, so it's really only Saturday night and Sunday we have as a weekend.

@Cannybeme Re the toddler-proofing, this is also a bone of contention for me, because all the mental load falls on me I will have to think about and organise toddler-proofing his house as well, regardless. Perhaps that's why I am so resentful and don't want to go to his anymore - I do all the 'thinking'.
School is easier because it's very close to both our homes.
His mother is already elderly and not in good health, she loves baby although too old to do much with her, and doesn't mind noise, but she can be quite difficult and I don't like being around her to be honest.

No baby does not have a bedroom at his house. This is major for me, because we are then crammed into one small bedroom and we can't get any time together because his mother sleeps in the living room. He would still prefer this to coming here though where there is a living room and bedroom for baby!

@PayThe Yes definitely much older and not as energetic for sure. I am not far off 40 and he is late 40s. No we don't spend any family time together, we do me him and baby, or me him and my youngest (older teen). My eldest doesn't dislike him but wouldn't spend time with him, she dotes on baby though.

@TemporarilyCantDoMyself He lives with and (somewhat) cares for his mother because there is no one else - no siblings, no father, she has no family really she fell out with them all and is difficult. He might get carers in if he wants to continue to work when the time comes, but he won't leave the home until she passes and probably not after either.

@busylizzie87 the key is in your own words 'what you signed up for'. Honestly, wasn't it 100% predictable that you'd be doing the lion's share and that his input would be on his terms?
Cut out regular visits to his home and stop sleeping over in unsuitable conditions.
This isn't co-parenting so if you regard yourself as a single parent and call the shots you might feel less resentful.

@Tastycelery love the name btw! Yes I suppose you are right, it is what I signed up for. That's why I'm feeling guilty I think, but I just cannot stand going there anymore. It's too tiring I have to rush through all my own housework and then be 'rewarded' with an evening of being crammed all in a room, unable to spend any time together as we essentially have to go to bed when baby does so as not to disturb her. I have stopped staying overnight a while ago because of this and because of his mother's nasty comments which lasted into the next day when I left baby in her cot crying for literally five minutes one night because sometimes she does have a little cry in her bed for a couple minutes if overtired, then she happily sleeps. Increasingly though I do not want to go there at all, not even for the day at the weekend. Not sure how the relationship will survive though unless he starts coming here. Maybe it's the end anyway, sadly.

There is an alternative, don’t bring a child into this situation. What will happen when the child is older and has more realisation of what is going on? Child should come first

Given the lack of space/privacy there, I certainly wouldn't be going and staying the night there. He already has the baby 3 days a week after nursery for a few hours at his house - I don't think it's unreasonable to say he can come over to yours on other days if he wants to. Tell him during the week, you're tired and have a lot to do and want to stay in your own home. Why would you go and stay there where you're all crammed into one room? You need to sort this out now and lay your cards on the table.

How did you think this would work in the future. What made you think he was ideal dad material? He is a man in his late 40s who lives with his mum. You say there is his bedroom and mum sleeps in the lounge and no bedroom for the baby. You don’t think he will leave the house even after mum dies. So what is the plan @busylizzie87

Why didn’t your DD’s want him in your house?

None by the sounds of it. Let's have a baby out of our own selfish need and bring it into this chaos of an arrangement

Hang on - he lives in a one bedroom place with his mother?!? And thinks it is reasonable to cram you and the baby in too?!?!? Well that is not going to last much longer. What happens when the baby becomes a toddler. And then a child?

It's maybe a bit too late for the alternative 🤔

Yes yes ok I get it. I / we had hoped at some point we would move in together but then years got on and his mother got older and has health problems. With the baby it was now or never with our ages though. I get the negative comments, really I do, but I have to stress that I have a stable job (part time now yes but plan to go back to full time when baby is 3 and nursery costs are lower), bought home and always knew baby would have everything they need here. However I am starting to see the relationship may well not work out, and that perhaps he is unreasonable and at his age won't change.

@sittingonabeach It's not that my older children didn't want him in the house per se, they get on well with him, it's just that it's their house too and it was just the three of us for years so I respected that. It was easier for me to go to his house pre baby when they were at their dad's or school and in recent years since they were old enough to stay in themselves, working etc. It's not as if I've foisted a baby on them either, one is about to move out (been planned way before baby was thought of), and the other is likely to in a couple of years and between uni work and girlfriend very much has his own life now.

If you split up and he has baby % of the time or every weekend (as happened with your other children) will this be better for you ?

I think he needs to meet you halfway. You can take and drop the baby, he brings her back. Let her start staying overnight. She is old enough and he needs to understand how hard it is and you can get a break.

I don't think he'd have her much more than he already does tbh, well not until she's older and easier. Sometimes I think it would be better for me emotionally, because I've said to him this isn't working so many times and he refuses to talk about it, will come to mine sometimes but only for a couple hours. Continually asks me there and I refuse then he sulks a little. It's not going well, our relationship anyway.

I would try to hang on for a couple more months if you want to try to save the relationship. I think this will work itself out once the baby starts walking and climbing. If his mum's house is not toddler proofed he will HATE having her there. So he will either toddler proof it (do not get involved in this as it's a good opportunity for him to step up as an equal parent), or he will see that the best place is your house, or he will stop seeing her at either house.

A Middle aged man living with his not nice mum should have been a major red flag 🤷‍♀️

Given you have older kids you knew what you were getting in to and I agree it was deluded to think this was a good idea.

However you’re here now, I would separate from the useless partner and work out a custody arrangement which suits you both.

I think the point is your current arrangement isn't working - neither of you sound happy and you can't seem to agree where to co-parent and how to make it feel fair for each of you and the baby. So what is in the best interest of the baby?

Then there's how do you share costs of raising baby if you're the resident and default parent?

Presumably you talked and agreed prior to having baby what life would look like for you all?

Have you spoken bluntly with each other about what the relationship looks like going forwards, about how you feel your currwnt arrangement is working, about how burnt out and resentful you are or inevitably will become?

It’s not co-parenting, he’s spending less time alone with the baby than most grandparents or crèche staff.

I don’t think there’s that much wrong with this arrangement. Two financially solvent working adults who live 5 minutes from each other who have been in a stable relationship for years had a baby and the arrangement should have worked very well. It’s not working as the thought, many things in life don’t.
So the op does the lions share of parenting, she knew that when the baby was conceived as they don’t live together. Thousands of women are in the same position living with their husbands totally stuck.
Doesnt sound like she’s not thought about the child. How would the child be better cared for? She’s shown she puts her children first as they don’t live together for her older children.

@pastadish then you have a low bar for what ideal parenting from a child’s point of view looks like

OP this man never intended to do 50/50. He has a hard physical job and cares for an elderly relative. Not to be sexist but men don't cope in situations like this as well as us. He doesn't have much more to give beyond this. The best you can do is make sure that your baby has the best possible start in life despite the circumstances you brought her into

Not really. I’ve just been around long enough to have seen some awful parenting from adults who are married and live together. Those two things don’t guarantee a happy child you know.

@Stegosaur This worries me actually, because I think he would declare it's safe and want her over there anyway. I see what you and @Kalanthe mean - it does seem like that. He is late 40s and yes has a full time physical job and his mother is likely to take up more of his time and stresses him out as it is. He is picking baby up from nursery two or three days a week for 3 hours and I don't think he feels he can give much more. I suppose that leaves us with where is our relationship then?

Even though I am working part time I still have the baby almost 24/7 outside work and all my own household stuff, I'm basically a single parent, so I just don't think I'm willing anymore to traipse to his house so we can attempt to spend time together in one room. He often asks me to go to the park etc with him and baby for short times, I think because he wants to see her but doesn't have the energy to take her for hours.

I think if he doesn't start coming to mine more then the relationship has to be over 😥. I'm not even blaming him completely, both of us just don't have the energy. It's ridiculous how little we even see each other if I don't go to his. Between his work, my work, other kids (as in me wanting to spend time with them too), baby care, housework etc..

Also, even if I go to his we don't really have quality time together because we are stuck in one room with the baby, even when she sleeps. Or sitting in the living room talking to his mum, or listening to her from the other room. Or he is doing housework. Our sex life is also terrible, not through lack of him trying, but I cannot enjoy it when baby is asleep beside us (even with a screen up and she'll soon be too old anyway) and his mother is asking him about what he has for tea through the hall! He sulks a bit about that even though he acknowledges it's not our faults and we bicker more than we ever did even though the baby is getting a bit easier.

I think I need to tell him that unless he can start coming over to mine then we have to separate.