Not living together with baby. Who should stay where?

[busylizzie87]

Ok so I realise this could be an unusual situation that not everyone will agree with but I really need opinions.

Been together for a few years, wanted a baby together but due to various reasons - both of us owning our homes and wanting to protect them, him caring for his mother in their home, me having older teen / almost adult children still at home - we cannot live together for a number of years. Due to our ages though baby was a now or never thing. Before I get flamed no I do not claim benefits as just over the threshold and savings.

Fast forward to now baby will be 9 months this month. We are disagreeing a lot on the time split between houses. I used to go to his a lot pre baby. He thinks this should continue but I am getting really resentful.

I am back to work 17 hours a week, doing every single thing in my own home ie cleaning shopping cooking admin. Teens help a small bit but they are working and studying, I do the vast vast majority with baby. He picks up nursery for 3 hours times 3 times a week whilst I work. I'm still anaemic and I'm tired.

He is working full time in a physical job and he is older late 40s and does around half the chores in his house and helps his mother who needs some care but honestly not a lot of input. I get that he is also tired.

Increasingly resenting him wanting me to go over to his house to see baby / spend time together. I know, I know, this is what I signed up for, but it's making me so mad. He will come here but not for long and can tell he prefers his own house and never suggests to come here, always asking me there. To be honest I do too and I don't like his mother. I am considering making the decision that I no longer go there regularly. I'm burnt out and I feel like it's unfair with me doing 90% with baby and that he should come here where I can get on with things.

It's a 5 minute drive away so it's not distance.

Oh OP. Of course you shouldn’t be going over there. You’ve got enough to do! He absolutely should be at yours helping you for most of the week. He sounds like a selfish prick.

This
what an absolutely stupid situation and how cruel for the baby - they’re going to be so confused when they are old enough to understand

I cannot imagine why anyone would have a baby with someone but then say they aren’t suitable to live with

this is possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve read on MN today

This is a properly bonkers set up. Not sure how you thought it would work out fairly and ultimately seems unfair on the child.

Poor kid. My daughter is the same age and her life is very different from your set up OP. It doesn’t sound ideal/restful/pleasant/peaceful/stable for any of you. Sorry to sound so judgmental and hope you find a way that works for your family

How elderly is his mother? Is the plan to live together as a family when she dies? Or do you think he wants to have separate homes forever?

Basically as you've articulated this is all very impractical. Of course going to his doesn't work in a 1 bedroom house. So if he can't understand that then that seems a big problem. Soon you will simply not be able to have a toddler in the room with you so longer term his setup just doesn't work. I am not sure why he can't see that.
So basically either he accepts coming to yours or he accepts you don't see each other. I do think you also need to make him do more baby care without you around

All these things feel like matters that should have been discussed and resolved before getting pregnant! You were in a relationship with someone your older children didn’t want to live with but yet you went on to have another child with that person? What did you envisage happening about your living arrangements? It’s a mess, and I think now is the time to prioritise your children and live in your own home to provide stability. It’s for your partner to come up with a workable solution - and maybe this will show his true colours.

Until your teenagers have left home, it's fair for you and baby to stay over at his one night per week.
It's fair for him to stay over at your place one night per week. The rest of the days you both could be attending to older kids and Mother respectively and be living at your own places.

Where does baby live for five other nights of the week?
Baby needs similar space and cot at each home. Which home is best for baby?
Maybe one or two nights without you at her Dad's and three nights with you??

Have a proper planning meeting about baby's needs for the next three years. They will change. Make careful plans but revise every six months.

On the days he picks her up then instead of you collecting her he can bring her to yours and do her bedtime. You could go straight home tidy up and cook dinner for you all.

What on earth were you thinking. I admire you for not combining households with the responsibilities you each have, but having a child in spite of that was utterly ludicrous. You didn’t think it through in terms of the impact to your existing children or new child. Unfortunately it’s not just you that has to live with these ridiculous consequences. Honestly.

Poor child. To actively choose to have a child with a man that lives elsewhere in what sounds like a bedsit with his mother... what on earth were you thinking?!

I feel so sorry for children that get passed around from pillar to post like this.

This is crazy. I would be laying cards on the table.

I would force him to decide - he either chooses to have a stable family life and home with you and baby, including moving in with you and finding an alternative solution for his mother, or you separate and figure out the best arrangement for your child, arranging custody through the courts based on what he can safely and consistently provide. I would give him a set amount of time to make this decision - one month maximum for example. If he decides to actually have a family and relationship with you - he needs to get on with it straight away and you need to hold him to timeframes.

Surely your older children cannot oppose this any longer - their adult desires to have their Mum's home to themselves don't trump a baby's needs.

Do you have reason to believe his Mum is going to die soon or is she simply elderly? There's a big difference!! If she's 75 and fine you could have another 20 years of this. He sounds utterly pathetic and you need to think of the example you're setting in terms of what is acceptable to your older kids as well.

I don't want to leave her overnight, but also don't want to stay at his.

That is the core of the problem.
If you see him as an equal co-parent, then baby should be spending 50% of the nights at his house, either with or without you. (This is assuming you are no longer breast feeding).

Sorry OP, but this is an insane situation and I’m another wondering what possessed you.

If you read a catalogue for a sperm donor and the listing said:
Lives in a one-bed flat with his horrible elderly mum.

You’d have turned the page.

There’s no doubt you clearly adore your baby but it ultimately sounds like you were happy to give her a dad in a person you didn’t see yourself certainly having a future with.

Why should the baby spend 50% of the time at her dad's? Surely the dad should be spending 50% of his time at the baby's home??

@RoseField1 but dad’s house is home too in this weird set up

Sounds like the dream of having a child together clouded the practicalities. Obviously all this should have been envisioned and discussed before having the child but that ship has sailed.

Either you want to make a go of it as a couple/family and whilst I get you both want to protect your houses either he moves in with you (either with his mum or a separate arrangement is made for her ie assisted living/care home etc depending on her needs) or you both rent out your homes and get something for all of you.

Or you may as well split up as that is kind of the life you are leading at the moment. At least for the children and I mean all the children (yours included) you may as well be separated. It’s not fair on any of them to have this strange part time parent situation. I can’t see it improving as your child gets any older.

Why do you consider only the OP's home to be the baby's home? Is the Father's home not also the baby's home?
When parents don't live together, both their homes are also the children's home (unless specific cases of unfit parents, court cases, etc.)

It would seem that the fairest way is for the couple to spend half the nights in one home and half the nights in the other, unless they agree that they also want some nights apart.
The solution is a schedule, a timetable, of which nights they will spend in each home.

Yeah, but in reality the baby has a main home which is with her mum.

@RoseField1 they are a couple so both houses should be home if they agreed at the beginning they would be living separately

Yes but again in reality they aren't

Which is precisely what the problem is.
OP does not accept her DP's place as a home for her and the baby, on equal terms to her own place.

The single bedroom at his place compounds the issue, but fundamentally the OP just wants DP to move into her home, which is moving the goalposts.

But it's not the baby's home. It's DP's mum's home primarily, and there isn't enough space for her to stay there comfortably with baby. Of course he could have baby at his house half the time if he really wanted but he doesn't. He wants to see her for a couple of hours here and there or have her bring the baby to him so he doesn't have to any of the work!

To be fair, they have both move the goalposts or reneged on what they agreed. (But what was actually agreed and was it properly discussed in detail, or just assumed?)

He is failing to step up and do his half. Either this changes, or the relationship ends.

To try be clear here - yes I know it is far from ideal as a set up, and yes we did know it would be difficult (to a point). My house was always going to be her main home, at least until past the toddler years.

So to summarise -

We did not live together before because my children were still quite young and didn't want someone living here, and we already live quite close together anyway (Used to be 25 mins drive but I bought my house less than 5 mins drive a few years ago), and I managed to buy from inheritance and want to protect that. Time got on and his mother got ill with no other family to help her is another reason, also that he stands to inherit his house and wants to protect that.

But yes, we did want a child and at our ages couldn't really wait any longer.

Really my question is am I being unreasonable to decide that I personally am not going to be going to his anymore? Am I as someone put it, changing the goalposts?

I'm not saying baby can't go to his (although I wouldn't like to be away from her any more than I already am I recognise he's her parent too).

I am way more tired than I had thought! I am working part time 17 hours, doing everything in my own household and caring for baby all the time except from work or the occasional time my eldest takes her. I did all this over 20 years ago but I was very young then! and probably didn't value cleaning or cook as much.

He is also tired working full time in a physical job at late 40s, helping his mother in the household, walking dog, and he collects baby from nursery 2 or 3 days per week for a couple hours til I finish work.

I have never got on with his mother although we are civil, and his flat is only one bedroom mine has much more room ie room for baby and room for us and a separate living room. My older children are moving out in September.

I am too tired to go to his, and hate doing it, and starting to resent it. Would I be in the wrong to say if he wants to see me he has to come here?