Not living together with baby. Who should stay where?

[busylizzie87]

Ok so I realise this could be an unusual situation that not everyone will agree with but I really need opinions.

Been together for a few years, wanted a baby together but due to various reasons - both of us owning our homes and wanting to protect them, him caring for his mother in their home, me having older teen / almost adult children still at home - we cannot live together for a number of years. Due to our ages though baby was a now or never thing. Before I get flamed no I do not claim benefits as just over the threshold and savings.

Fast forward to now baby will be 9 months this month. We are disagreeing a lot on the time split between houses. I used to go to his a lot pre baby. He thinks this should continue but I am getting really resentful.

I am back to work 17 hours a week, doing every single thing in my own home ie cleaning shopping cooking admin. Teens help a small bit but they are working and studying, I do the vast vast majority with baby. He picks up nursery for 3 hours times 3 times a week whilst I work. I'm still anaemic and I'm tired.

He is working full time in a physical job and he is older late 40s and does around half the chores in his house and helps his mother who needs some care but honestly not a lot of input. I get that he is also tired.

Increasingly resenting him wanting me to go over to his house to see baby / spend time together. I know, I know, this is what I signed up for, but it's making me so mad. He will come here but not for long and can tell he prefers his own house and never suggests to come here, always asking me there. To be honest I do too and I don't like his mother. I am considering making the decision that I no longer go there regularly. I'm burnt out and I feel like it's unfair with me doing 90% with baby and that he should come here where I can get on with things.

It's a 5 minute drive away so it's not distance.

@sittingonabeach I don't know. I knew my home was suitable anyway. I get that people disagree, but I wouldn't have had her if I couldn't rely on my own situation at least. Naively thought it would work out I guess and if it didn't I'm almost literally round the corner from him with neither of us likely to move house. Relationship wise I wouldn't have expected he'd be so lazy as to not offer to come here when it became obviously difficult at his for me and baby to go there.

@RoseField1 Initially when we met mine were almost primary age so for years he would come to mine when they were at their dad weekends or at school if we were both off. Then when mine were old enough to stay themselves say around covid time I would go there because they no longer really went to their dad only only for lunch out etc at that age more interested in their friends, and their dad moved to Scotland. This continued until recently.

@Babyboomtastic No offence taken. Yes I did have them very young in fact eldest I was 17. I had a lot of help from my own family back then who unfortunately are no longer able to help me this time but I'm really grateful for their help when kids were young. I studied and got a career, then inheritance and bought house.
Yes it's more the relationship that I need to make a decision rather than baby if that makes sense, although I hope he wouldn't try for full custody or anything, I'd be happy for him to have her when suited him. That does worry me a little when she's older and easier that he might want more. He wouldn't ever move out of his house and in with me, and to be honest I don't really want that either, then he owns his house and could have claim on mine maybe. He talks of buying together in the future, but he never has before in previous relationships.