Sexless marriage and considering a male escort, anyone been here?

[rivalsbinge]

I can move this to the sex board if needed, but it’s more about my marriage that I can’t escape, yet.

it’s complicated but due to elderly parents, care responsibilities etc I’m totally unable to divorce or get out of my marriage, DH is nice guy we are friends but it’s been platonic for 7+ years no sex no kissing nothing, I’m on HRT in that crazy rollercoaster of hormones but really need some kind of touch, even a hug and a kiss would be lovely.

I don’t want to go down the tinder route so started looking at escort sites, I then wanted to know if anyone has ever ever gone down this route?

I was thinking of just blowing everything up and asking for an open marriage but I don’t want anything complex with other men I don’t want the relationship the drama etc so I thought about a professional?

The sex stopped due to some physical issues, I had surgery it was painful so I stopped it, and when we did try to resume he kept getting ED but refused to ask for any help with the GP, buried his head in the sand and declared or sex life was over. I didn’t factor in all touch and that gradually now before really strange for me.

im just really craving some attention, some touch not even sex necessary, has anyone law been here?

my confidence is low due to this as well and I suspect I seeking. A confidence boost as well and to just feel like a woman again.

Suggestions welcome as I get this a fairly drastic move on my part.

Nope. You cannot buy the sexual consent of another human.

Get a vibrator.

No way. No matter how difficult responsibilities and obligations are, currently, an escort would never cross my mind and I would seek divorce.

I’m totally stuck we have an elderly parent with care needs living with us, and one in care so divorce or physically moving out of the home and marriage out of question for the foreseeable future.

I'd divorce or see a sex therapist. They can hopefully bring you back to touching and general intimate moments (I don't mean sexual) but if that's gone, I'd have to leave regardless.
Why are you unable to leave the marriage? You can still share whatever responsibilities between you (or not). I assume there'd be proceeds from sale of house etc.

If you're young enough to still have elderly parents, then you are young enough to start again.

Who's parents are they? That sounds so callous!

But can't you move out with the elderly parent or leave them with ex-husband? Can they not go into care? Is it an affordability issue?

Are you sure you're just not terrified to leave and finding reasons you think you have to stay? I'm not saying this in a judgemental way, btw, just trying to get some perspective to assist, if possible.

@AlgaeDreamscalious in what way? It’s my mum living with us and his mum is in care locally, so we can’t sell or move as the house is adapted and I’m supporting her and his mum as well. It’s just the situation I find myself in and I’m ok with that I’m just kind of forgetting who I am.

Have you tried to bring back the affectionate side of things with DH? Maybe he would love a hug too, but worries that there’s an expectation about where it would lead to, knowing that he can’t perform…

Do you accept some responsibility for stopping the sex after the surgery?
There's lots of other things that can happen without piv sex.
How long did you stop it for?

Perhaps the rejection affected his self esteem and triggered the ED.

Have you tried talking to him and maybe suggesting a sex therapist?

After my surgery it was approx 6-8 months recovery, and I do understand stoping it may have made him feel rejected but I couldn’t physically have sex without pain, but over that period of time he stopped all affection as well, and totally backed away.

We did have it booke, but he then refused to see a GP and then refused to talk or seek any kind of therapy and I couldn’t force him, so it’s just the topic that is never spoken about.

I was wondering if that was the situation - a parent each. If they were both his and I felt lumbered for the next however many years, I'd be off. Hence the callous!

I'm 50 and single, I suppose I have it easy as far as freedoms are concerned.

I don't want to be in a relationship and adult find a friend sites have occurred to me, and I'm actually post menopausal now but stupidly horny! I just can't imagine getting that aroused for a stranger. In theory yes, but I wouldn't /couldn't pay and I don't want some random having a go for all of 3 minutes 🤣
Do you get much time to yourself to treat yourself and pamper yourself, are you able to get dressed up and go out with friends... See if that sparks any interest?
If he's not prepared to address what will ultimately split you up (because we all deserve a full life) then I think you need to start looking at longer term.

Or, start with - do you want to stay married? That's got to be the clincher really.
There are always ways and means.

I think you want a life!

I've heard male escorts are very affectionate and gentle and that women do pay them just for intimacy and attention without actual sex.

It's very different than pulling up on a road and giving a drug addict a fiver for a blowie that her abusive boyfriend then takes.

And no, not having painful sex after surgery doesn't make this your fault. You should have been looked after during that time, like actually emotionally looked after, not just brought water and painkillers.

You could fight and put in the work to bring it back with your husband but that takes two putting in the work and if he doesn't want to you can't make him. Maybe this conversation would ignite something in him to do that

@AlgaeDreamsgod imagine, no I’ve committed to my own mum and as I’m able to I help with his as well. It was all considered and spoken about in detail but I hadn’t factored in the utter lack of physical touch over the years.

I do have time for myself yes, lots of amazing friends and active busy life but just missing this part really.

No I don’t think we will be married longer term, I really do have far more life and energy left in me and he’s a bit of a potter type I’m not sure we will survive into retirement, it’s hard as well as we don’t know timeframes so can’t really make plans.

Personally, I think one of the "lovely" things about receiving a hug, a kiss or any kind of physical touch from another human is the affection and relationship (or maybe even desire depending on who it's from) they are expressing. Paying for it makes it transactional and empty.

I agree with PP re consent and I wouldn't be able to enjoy any kind of interaction without knowing it involved full and enthusiastic consent that was motivated by a genuine desire rather than the other person's financial situation.

Revisit the idea of a sex therapist, initiate some affectionate touch with your husband without any pressure for it to lead to sex. Tell him how you feel. An escort isn't the solution.

I think try marriage therapy. Look on bacp or counselling directory. Look for an older experienced psychotherapist who can help guide you back together. Its not unusual to have this happen after trauma in the relationship like a surgery/recovery.

Im a believer in that you dont abandon the marriage until every bit of help has been tried.

He doesnt get to say no to marriage therapy. Book it and give him no choice, he'll be fine once he gets there and sees its not so bad. But you do need to pick a highly experienced professional, thats the key bit.

The ED after your recovery, might just be a mind over matter thing and its turned into a mountain from molehill type situation. Marriage therapy can try and reconnect you emotionally and sex might naturally come back in time.

And in the meantime as pp have suggested a good vibrator to ease your physical tension until you can both get into marriage counselling.

Marriages are hard, working at ground down marriages is harder, walking away without attempting repair isnt the answer in my opinion. With the right help a marriage can be reconstructed from very little left between two people. It just takes time, effort and a high quality psychotherapist.

Good luck.

Yes I can imagine this, I think. And I would possibly end up looking for an escort. We do have needs. An affair could be messy. Would you find it ok to keep it from your DH? If you really can't see a long term future to the relationship then yes, I do get it. If it's going to be difficult to be dishonest then perhaps there's a way that you can break it to him..Best wishes

If it's remotely relevant, I can't have sex at the moment for health reasons and have realised it's sending me a bit loopy . My husband understands and there will be plenty times ahead , we are biological creatures and we can't deny the physical side

I can’t think of anything less revolting than paying a man who has had sex with probably thousands of other women. The risk of disease etc would really put me off - condoms don’t protect against all diseases!

Married people’s dating sites ( illicit encounters/ Madison Avenue) were created for people like you. There are men there looking for a ‘relationship’ and men looking more for NSA. If the ethics of being with someone’s spouse is not for you, there are also single men there looking for something casual that they think they won’t get with a single woman who, they think, will want more than they are willing to give.

Quite a number of middle aged men on there claim to be in marriages like yours ( sexless).

These sites are free for women to join.

If perimenopause is making your libido so high, then HRT may reduce it. It did for me. I know lots of people say the opposite, their drive died and HRT revived it, but it makes sense that is peri hormone changes are giving you a high libido then regulating them through HRT will reduce it.

Did you maintain other things whilst unable to have PIV sex? Such as continuing with BJ’s, hand-jobs, kissing etc? Surely those things were still possible? If you withdrew absolutely everything that will have taken its toll and moved you both firmly into sibling territory. Once in sibling territory it can be v hard to get round the mental block not to have sex.

Personally, I’d never pay someone for sex. If I were in your position I’d suggest to my DH we see a psycho-sexual couples therapist together to unpick what went wrong amd
how to overcome that block.

It sounds like you have fallen into the trap of considering only penis-in-vagina sex as sex, which of course ED has an impact on.

But what about all the other ways to enjoy each other's bodies and give and receive pleasure? There is any amount of erotic touch, sex toys and erogenous zones to be stimulated by something that isn't an erect penis. Take the pressure off PIV/erection and just enjoy closeness and pleasure.

Avoidance (initially due to surgery) and anxiety tend to form a really strong feedback loop and your husband probably has strong feelings about the ED, both of which are understandable. Ideally you would have maintained sensuality and intimate and affectionate touch even if PIV was taken off the table for medical reasons.

A sex therapist would be great here and even starting with some hugs and affectionate touch. If you talk to your DH he might be avoiding touch as he's worried it will lead to sex and him feeling ashamed of his ED. So taking sex off the table for a while is often recommended.

If he is a nice guy and you seem to be able to maintain a good friendship and I assume have crafted a life together over however many years, maybe supporting each other with your respective parents etc, surely working at it a bit more is the most obvious first step.

So many lovely reply's thanks so much for them, to clarify the surgery wasn’t just to my vagina and cervix it was major surgey to my pelvis bowls, bladder and other areas were removed and operated on, so the thought of aBJ, sex being kissed wasn’t really on my mind at all I was in hospital for a few weeks and had infections etc it wasn’t a very nice time for either of us but after about 4 months he was getting a bit pestering so I just had to say no sex no kissing nothing at all, he wouldn’t stop at kissing and would say let’s just see how you feel, essentially he pushed boundaries when I was weak and I couldn’t really forgive him so had to do a total no to everything, recovery was almost a year in total and all physical touch stopped.

I have tried the therapy route over the years the GP talking to him he point blank refuses to engage, so I’m stuck there, I do I understand the loop but I suspect the ED came about also because he was watching porn while I was sick. I don’t know for sure but I suspect that may have been another part of the issue.

The HRT and libido side of things, it’s alway been high, I’ve not struggled at all but I’d rather not mess with my HRT simply to switch if a part of me when the dose is working well for my other symptoms. ( oh and I have a vibrator) it’s the human touch I’m craving not just sex.

my worry with an affair and hook ups is I’d no doubt attract a looney, and yes I’d like to keep this to myself and happy to be dishonest with my DH he’s not really giving me many optionshere with his refusal to get any help.

We do get on we have made a nice life but I just feel a need for more right now.

I really don’t think anyone understands when you can’t have sex, I managed to focus on recovery so it wasn’t an issue so much at the time, but I’m hoping your outcome is good.

This. Frankly, having a casual friends-with-benefits affair would be less unethical, although obviously still unacceptable.

Your options are to accept celibacy and masturbation, open your marriage (unwise imo), divorce despite the barriers to it, or find a way to rekindle intimacy.