Sexless marriage and considering a male escort, anyone been here?

[rivalsbinge]

I can move this to the sex board if needed, but it’s more about my marriage that I can’t escape, yet.

it’s complicated but due to elderly parents, care responsibilities etc I’m totally unable to divorce or get out of my marriage, DH is nice guy we are friends but it’s been platonic for 7+ years no sex no kissing nothing, I’m on HRT in that crazy rollercoaster of hormones but really need some kind of touch, even a hug and a kiss would be lovely.

I don’t want to go down the tinder route so started looking at escort sites, I then wanted to know if anyone has ever ever gone down this route?

I was thinking of just blowing everything up and asking for an open marriage but I don’t want anything complex with other men I don’t want the relationship the drama etc so I thought about a professional?

The sex stopped due to some physical issues, I had surgery it was painful so I stopped it, and when we did try to resume he kept getting ED but refused to ask for any help with the GP, buried his head in the sand and declared or sex life was over. I didn’t factor in all touch and that gradually now before really strange for me.

im just really craving some attention, some touch not even sex necessary, has anyone law been here?

my confidence is low due to this as well and I suspect I seeking. A confidence boost as well and to just feel like a woman again.

Suggestions welcome as I get this a fairly drastic move on my part.

Sounds like a prison of your own mind/assets.

You're wealthy enough to support everyone, you already pay carers etc but can't possibly figure out how to separate from your husband. 🙄

Your question is horrible tbh - is it OK to cheat on my husband, use a sex worker despite the ethical and moral implications, with some kind of delusion that it'll make you feel good about yourself?

Nope.

Exactly. I really couldn't stomach paying someone to have sex with me and pretending to enjoy it.

No because you can't buy consent.

I’ve thought about it before a few times when travelling tbf.

The trouble with one night stands is they’ll only care about their pleasure.
The trouble with fwb is it’s very difficult to find a bloke who doesn’t turn it into some weird ego trip. They tend to want you to fall for them and get huffy if you don’t.

So in theory paying - should remove those issues and give you more of a say sexually. But I have a feeling it would not transmit that way.

And…I mean if they are shit in bed, what are you gonna do, refuse to pay? Eee…good luck with that.

Unfortunately it’s just too risky imo.

Plus it puts you at risk of other things. Like blackmail or maybe they are involved in criminal activity you could get caught up in it.

I presume all the people here saying you can't buy consent also object to the existence of the armed forces?

What does that have to do with sexual consent?

Op, you do have choices here that don't involve hiring prostitutes and having a sordid secret second life. In particular, getting counselling to work through the options, especially how to talk to your H in a non threatening or demanding way to gain clarity.

First of all, this is one of the reasons I put off coming on here for advice - the judgy comments especially the non relevant ones re parents :( caring for loved ones takes its toll , let’s not tear each other down :(
my OH is also not interested either and I can relate to a lot of things you said. I’ve tried the counselling (was meant to be as a couple but the counsellor said he needed to deal with his own issues first). This went on about a year and he’s spent probably about a grand on therapy. Still no change in the bedroom department. Shuts down at every opportunity. He knows I’m unhappy. I have regular massages (before anyone jumps on me here - legitimate ones!!) as that’s the only way I can be touched and at least feel some kind of connection.

I don't see the difference between a man seeing a prostitute and a woman looking for an 'escort' which is a nice way of saying male prostitute. Morally wrong.

this totally this, surely having an empathetic its nobody's fault talk, come at it from a place of humility and vulnerability, explain you miss it, explain you miss it with him, tell him ED is OK, start with the tactile bit of the relationship

there are definitely things he can do to make you happy, I'm sure if you offered tactility (is that a word) that is still pleasurable

I'd leave out the options you've been considering

there's blue pills

If it's just you want sex then, yes, an escort is one way to go and avoids any emotional entanglements (leaving ethical issues aside). But it won't solve anything - would it become a regular thing? Are you able to 'just' have sex? I imagine if it was good, I'd be obsessing over when it could happen again.

But really, it's the emotional closeness as well as the physical that I would want. Its quite possible you can make this happen again in your marriage if you can get your DH on board, and since you don't mention other issues with your relationship, why not try?

I think its easy for couples to fall into patterns of relating that aren't ideal, especially when you have busy lives and other responsibilities. Your best bet is to at least try to get your DH to a counselling session.

There are so many adult ‘friend’ sites now, I don’t use them but many of my similar age friends do and most have very satisfying sex lived with one or many partners, including dates and regular visits with the same person.
im sure @rivalsbinge could specific she wants lots of affection etc along with the sex.
Op, if you’re not ready to leave maybe it’s time to suggest you go your separate ways within the the marriage because this so un ds miserable as hell.
personally if I was desperate for sex then I would rather get it on an all consenting basis than paying someone, some of these guys set up just to get paid for sex and they might not have much experience as a sex worker, you just don’t know what you’re going to get or if they’re genuine and safe etc.

If you initiated a hug with your DH what would happen?

The second parent needs to also go in a care home. You spilt assets. You divorce.

I second the poster who advises the sites for married people to have extra marital . My friend uses this and says it works well. The person you hook up with is married and doesn’t want to leave marriage also so you are both in same boat.

op is your husband punishing you in some way because you said no to sex ( totally understandably of course) ?

Your problem is that you seek validation from other people. Your confidence is dependent on men, and that's not a good thing. How about working on yourself and your marriage instead of looking for solutions in male escorts?

I would tell him you need some intimacy day you assume he’s no longer attracted to you as it hasn’t happened in so long, see where that goes then say you want open marriage. I would never pay when you could have your pick of fit men for free online

Too much risk of complications with any old guy you meet on apps / websites. Shagging an escort would be purely transactional, it’s completely different. I can’t quite believe I just spelled that out to you.

Lol people complaining about the morality of escorts and at the same time talking about intimacy coaches. You do know it’s the same thing for a single person right? Just a bit more talking involved for a while. And maybe a nice cosy little office space.
Sure they don’t always sleep with the client. It’ll depend on what the client needs tbh.
Maybe they have a bit more sensitivity training etc…. But morality wise I don’t think you can slam paying escorts and suggest intimacy coaches as a moral alternative.

Also, if you’re looking for a male prostitute in the uk you’re probably going to go through some “classy” online service or other right? Highly unlikely these men aren’t there by choice. In that regard, completely different from female prostitution. I guess you could argue you never know what else the founding company might be involved in so the money could be going towards female prostitution too but…I mean you could say that with most companies. Lots of big business with hands in other, less than savoury things.

I don't think people are suggesting "intimacy coaches", I certainly wasn't.

I recommended a sex therapist (aka a psychosexual therapist), which can be accessed privately or via the NHS in some areas.

https://belfasttrust.hscni.net/service/regional-psychosexual-service/

I honestly don't know what type you're talking about.

On a lighter note, I’ve just found a film with Emma Thompson who hires a male escort to find good sex after her husband passes away. Just about to watch it actually! It’s called Good Luck to You Leo Grande. May offer some insight or at least an escape from our problems for the night eh.

So simplistic, and not a reality.

I think I’ve gleaned form this post is a ton of great advice alternatives to escorts, being more open with DH about how close i am to booking in escorts and how his ED maybe my fault 😂 kidding but it had been implied!

I love this film, do you know was written pre covid and filmed during covid hence no other actors and empty streets it’s an amazing piece of filing and acting and so underrated a s a film, I mean when you think an entire film with just two actors in pretty much one location!

I didn’t know that! I just thought after reading this thread it would be a good one to watch and if Emma Thompsons in it it should be a good watch !

What does that have to do with sexual consent?

For most jobs you sell your labour (i.e. your body) to someone who pays you money, without which you wouldn't do the job.

Selling sex generally gets singled out as qualitatively different for reasons that IMO equally apply to jobs like being a member of the armed forces in a conflict situation.