Sexless marriage and considering a male escort, anyone been here?

[rivalsbinge]

I can move this to the sex board if needed, but it’s more about my marriage that I can’t escape, yet.

it’s complicated but due to elderly parents, care responsibilities etc I’m totally unable to divorce or get out of my marriage, DH is nice guy we are friends but it’s been platonic for 7+ years no sex no kissing nothing, I’m on HRT in that crazy rollercoaster of hormones but really need some kind of touch, even a hug and a kiss would be lovely.

I don’t want to go down the tinder route so started looking at escort sites, I then wanted to know if anyone has ever ever gone down this route?

I was thinking of just blowing everything up and asking for an open marriage but I don’t want anything complex with other men I don’t want the relationship the drama etc so I thought about a professional?

The sex stopped due to some physical issues, I had surgery it was painful so I stopped it, and when we did try to resume he kept getting ED but refused to ask for any help with the GP, buried his head in the sand and declared or sex life was over. I didn’t factor in all touch and that gradually now before really strange for me.

im just really craving some attention, some touch not even sex necessary, has anyone law been here?

my confidence is low due to this as well and I suspect I seeking. A confidence boost as well and to just feel like a woman again.

Suggestions welcome as I get this a fairly drastic move on my part.

I've been in a not dissimilar situation, OP. Tried to get out, failed, it did end eventually. I wanted to have an affair or something because, as you allude to it is miserable going with sex but more so touch and kissing and so on, but I never did. But soon after we split I met someone who actually wanted physical contact and I absolutely lost my mind over her. Set off a chain of events and led me to make some stupid decisions which I regret.
Not sure I could sleep with an escort and that doesn't seem to be the answer anyway but I'd do something if I were you.
If you really can't end the marriage or agree to an open marriage, then maybe a fwb situation could help.
Not popular on MN I know but I think I would have been better off ideally ending it or if not putting something else in place so I'm just speaking from experience.

What are his views on you seeing a male prostitute/having an open marriage?

Surely that’s the most important aspect of all of this.

It’s definitely my choice to not consider using a prostitute.

I understand why you can't divorce/ move out but why don't you separate but still live together? Not the most traditional approach but people do it for a variety of reasons. My husband's aunt and uncle and cohabiting quite amicably post-separation as they can't afford to divorce until kids finish uni. She's had a bf for a couple of years now and it works fine.

For me, the reason OP wants to see an escort ‘on the side’ is that it’s her Mum living with them. If this blows up and her DH decides he wants to separate, then OP is going to be in a far more difficult situation than him. His mum is in care.

@rivalsbinge thanks for the good wishes.
I hope you find some useful comments here. I suppose it would be quite simple to set up or finish the arrangement if you think it's not working..If you're feeling some resentment with your husband then it might help with that as well while you work out the future is for your marriage. Best wishes

Its selfish because you don't want to be in the relationship anymore but are staying for financial reasons! That are nothing to do with him - your mum isn't his responsibility

Don't want to split up? Don't fucking cheat on him and tell yourself its fine! Its not!

I don't know what you're talking about with the excuse thing

Well, yes. I wasn't suggesting that as an option!!!

Could the ED because he no longer sees you in a sexual way, you have moved to brother and sister mode? Difficult to come back from that. He may not have ED with someone else.

OP, do what you want to do - ask yourself what would be most comfortable for you, an affair, tinder or am escort and go with what you prefer and are comfortable with. Asking on a general forum is not a great idea for intimate decisions like this. Don't be afraid of wanting sex, in another ten years we probably won't need or want sex and it's really sad to deny yourself what you want at this stage in life.

I’m not sure why you assume it financial reasons? I’ve bough paid for and adjusted our home for my mum and his, his mum needed more care than I could provide so we are now supporting funding for her? And I have carers that I pay while I have to still work.

jeeze talk about assumptions!

I totally get you think my thought process is revolting to you and that’s ok, it’s why I asked for options but please don’t make assumptions on finances which have no bearing on this post, I’m wealthy enough to support my entire family as I ran and sold a business.

id say we are 100%in the platonic zone, but I’ve no clue if he has ED or would with someone else that’s a likely situation as well.

I haven’t asked him or spoken to him about this, yet. I felt if I have that chat there is simply no way to go back.. so maybe that’s my next step. Try the talk again about getting help but as suggested just communicate what I’m thinking about.

If it's not financial, what is actually stopping you ending the relationship?

The reason I went to escort option over affair and tinder is the professional aspect, I won’t get some married guy pretending to be single I won’t have to have a relationship, I can simply enjoy my time.

As my OP I’m not even that faffed about having penetrative sex I’d just like to enjoy some male company. I get it’s fake as that secure is just being nice, but isn’t that the same with an affair or tinder all the nice just to get the sex?

Male escorts are pricy. Go for a ons

No, because the tinder guy or affair partner actually fancies you enough to wants to shag and spend time with you.

Buying someone’s body, no, that’s unethical. You can’t buy real consent anyway.

Have you considered or tried massage? That’s good for touch. Sure you can find a male one.

Buying someones body and faux-consent is grim as fuck.

And apart from that how could you even enjoy sex knowing this person has no real interest in you, is doing this for money not because they like you, might actually find you repulsive but are forcing themselves and finally how could you not worry about STDs knowing they must have slept with hundreds of women!

Have you asked him if he is willing to open up your relationship to intimacy again??

He is your husband, surely you can sit down and have an open conversation with him? Let him know that its been many years, your needs are changing and you would like to try and connect with him romantically again.

I definitely think this should be your next step.

Tell him you need sexual contact and if he’s not willing to give it to you then there are only 2 options - that you have an open marriage or separate.

I’d rather not go into great detail on the care responsibilities we share but essentially if we split or move out of the house it causes massive disruption and could result in my mum having to go to care home instead of the routine we have between our work, carers and the house set up, that’s kind of not my question though. I’ve already said it too complex.

What's the issue with her going in a care home? You say it's not a financial issue, so she could go somewhere really good where she's taken care of by professionals. I know they're never going to care for her with the same love you do, but they can care for her better than you can because there's a team of them and they do this for a living.

I get regular (non-sexual!) massages, which helps with the need for human touch.