Sexless marriage and considering a male escort, anyone been here?

[rivalsbinge]

I can move this to the sex board if needed, but it’s more about my marriage that I can’t escape, yet.

it’s complicated but due to elderly parents, care responsibilities etc I’m totally unable to divorce or get out of my marriage, DH is nice guy we are friends but it’s been platonic for 7+ years no sex no kissing nothing, I’m on HRT in that crazy rollercoaster of hormones but really need some kind of touch, even a hug and a kiss would be lovely.

I don’t want to go down the tinder route so started looking at escort sites, I then wanted to know if anyone has ever ever gone down this route?

I was thinking of just blowing everything up and asking for an open marriage but I don’t want anything complex with other men I don’t want the relationship the drama etc so I thought about a professional?

The sex stopped due to some physical issues, I had surgery it was painful so I stopped it, and when we did try to resume he kept getting ED but refused to ask for any help with the GP, buried his head in the sand and declared or sex life was over. I didn’t factor in all touch and that gradually now before really strange for me.

im just really craving some attention, some touch not even sex necessary, has anyone law been here?

my confidence is low due to this as well and I suspect I seeking. A confidence boost as well and to just feel like a woman again.

Suggestions welcome as I get this a fairly drastic move on my part.

Then talk about it. Every day.
Hold his hand even if he doesnt reach for yours. Make that move.
Tell him why your reaching for a hug or trying to hold his hand. Ask for a kiss or just go for it.
Twll him that life without any physical touch or affection is severely impacting your mental health. You never know. It might be severely impacting his too.
If he has ED. There are sites to buy pills from like HIMS. They use a GP and ask questions to satisfy the medical requirement without ever talking to or going to see anyone.
But ED has such a big negative effect on self image. Its a huge embarrasment that every man has gone through at one time or another. After a night drinking and then fubling around at home only to find "oh its not working". It feels awful. So the easy way out is to not put yourself in that position. It doesnt work. Communication does. Knowing its ok and you can work on it together instead of saying you need a doctor because that makes it real and a problem.

Tell him you just want to snuggle without expectation. That you miss him and need to work on getting that wanted feeling back for both of you together. Need, make it clear it is a need. Do not jump to ultimatums like "if you dont then we are through". Give yourselves a chance to communicate and build without that pressure.

But to be clear. Communicate. Without that there is little hope.

And if it does lead to anything in the bedroom then great. But please be gentle with his ego. ED is absolutly soul destroying if its made out to be a problem. I had an issue with it briefly from just stress. I used HIMS and it did help for a bit until I didnt need them any more. What helped most was my wife (graphic warning ahead) just playing with it kind of like a fidget toy and saying she liked the feel of it and liked when she could feel it start to get harder a little. We just layed there and talked while she did that and it felt really good. There wasnt any pressure.

I’m a widow and so no sex, cuddles or anything for me! I just get on with it and focus on other stuff.

I think you’re completely mad to consider an escort @rivalsbinge .

my confidence is low due to this as well and I suspect I seeking. A confidence boost as well and to just feel like a woman again

Hiring a prostitute is the opposite of a confidence boost. They are being paid to be there with you, so how can that be a boost to one's self-esteem??

I don’t know OP, it sounds a bit like you are trying to make an excuse for doing this behind your husband’s back? Not judging, that’s just how I read it.

Would you be okay if you’ve discovered he had been seeing prostitutes when you were unable to have sex?

I don’t know how you are feeling: I imagine pretty low if you are genuinely considering paying a man for sex. But what if DH finds out? You may be facing your worst case scenario - separation – but with an added dose of humiliation and animosity.

You shouldn’t have to live a sexless life if you don’t want to. But you shouldn’t be causing your DH live a false life with a wife who is sleeping with prostitutes on the side.

He should be in possession of the full facts. Sorry, I’m not articulating this very well! It’s just that if I was in a sexless marriage, I would rather my husband sat me down and explained everything he was feeling, so I could make a judgement about what I want and am prepared to do. If he started seeing prostitutes on the side simply to avoid the stresses and issues of separation, I’ll be very upset.

Divorce. Then you can do what you want.

On a thread where it turns out a man has seen an escort, everyone says paying someone for sex is wrong, it's disgraceful, it's just using someone's body for their own sexual gratification, he's a vile human being, leave the bastard, get an STI check etc.

This would be no different.

If your marriage isn't giving you what you want, leave it or try to solve it. Don't pay to use someone's body.

I think just having an affair is a lot more ethical than using an escort tbh. I don’t think it would give you psychological relief for your self esteem because you had to pay someone to touch you.

There was a giant thread at one point for people in sexless marriages. Maybe start one for support. Many people are entirely happy with the way their marriages are going but for various reasons feel unable to end them. You aren’t alone in that respect at all OP.

Im not sure how you think attention that's paid for will help. I don't see how paying someone to be with you will boost your confidence.

Confidence in your wallet maybe.

But around being desirable, attractive, womanly or loveable? No.

I think you'll feel worse, not better.

Have a heart to heart with your husband. Maybe try relationship counselling or sex therapy or both if he's willing. Otherwise opening the relationship or ending it sound healthier options.

I think I’d feel grim about paying for it.

As long as your DH is on board then I think having intimacy outside of the marriage is fine.

But obviously if he’s not on board or isn’t aware then you cannot do anything.

Why not try normal massages for a while and see if it’s just the physical touch you miss or if it’s more sexual contact you miss.

Often the idea vs reality of going and having sexual contact with a stranger or someone you’re paying, is very different.

I know men who have used escorts and felt disgusted afterwards and regretted it. A couple couldn’t even go through with it.

No, I wouldn't fuck a prostitute OP.

Do you love him? And does he love you?
If so, you need a therapist to help re-set your marriage.

If the love has gone, you need to find a way to divorce and sort out the living arrangements.

I don't believe that paying for sex will help with your self confidence at all, FWIW

He may be going elsewhere for affection/sex too.

You can't morally cheat on your husband just because you have no sex life. You need to speak to him and either try to rekindle things or get him to agree with opening up your marriage

The fact you have convinced yourself that its okay and there is no other solution and that you can't divorce him because of your own selfish reasons with your mum is pretty fucking disgusting tbh.

If I were in your situation and all hope of salvaging my marriage or leaving wasn't possible then I'd be considering having an affair. I really couldn't stomach paying for sex with an escort.

And yes, before anyone gets on their high horse I do know adultery is wrong, but after years of celibacy and caring for elderly relatives with an affection free marriage I'd do it anyway 😁

But presumably that must in part be your choice? People do remarry after becoming a widow. A friend of my late MIL remarried in her early 70s.

The comments would be hella different if op was a man.

Do you see a time when your mum would go into care? You obviously can't stay in such an unhappy marriage, and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want her daughter suffering.

He has ED so I’m not sure he is, but who knows!!

He’s refusing any outside support I’ve found three option and all have been refused so I’m not really able to explore that without him wanting too?

Have you had a proper heart to heart with hour DH? I had to, it was a bit embarrassing and painful for both of us. We both had to try because neither of us wanted to be anywhere else but it was affecting me really negatively.

Do you think if you explained how much this was affecting your feelings towards your marriage he would be open to trying to sort it out?

Thanks, I’m not 100% sure what selfish about caring for my mum at home, and looking after his mum as well? But I can see your point.

I wish it was an excuse, it’s just how my life is right now.

If you sat him down and said to him, ‘right you’ve refused to consider everything I’ve suggested. You won’t get help, you won’t talk to me about it… I’m going elsewhere for my needs’. How do you think he’d react? Genuine question. Do you think he’d be upset? Do you think he’d turn all on you? Would he shut down and pretend it’s not happening? Demand divorce?

So do you love each other enough to fight for this? Does he want to stay married to you? If so you need to find a way together to rekindle your relationship, what does he suggest when you tell him you want to make things better for both of you?

I couldn’t do it. The thought of a guy having to potentially take Viagra because he doesn’t want to have sex with me and I’m paying him to do it. It’s mortifying. And I hate the thought of looking like a middle-aged cliche. Sorry, OP. Try Fabswingers if you’re desperate.

Ofcourse you can 🙄 Consenting adults can work in the sex industry too not everyone is forced into it. Let the op do what she wants

Why not tell him that unless he accompanies you to sex therapy, you'll be seeking a divorce but not a change in living situation?