Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Keep it as a shrine, eh? Hmmm - sounds like he doesn't want to feel that you've jettisoned him from your life and moved on...

Keep playing it cool, UC - you have him at a disadvantage .

Mmmm, keeping one foot in the door UC, thats what he's doing. He doesn't want you to move on without him at all does he?

Good for you, not replying to he terse email. Don't reward anything that you consider bd behaviour. Don't over explain yourself either i.e where and why the futon mattress went. You are not in need of his approval or permission for anything. He left you. His entitlement to any of that, of anything to do with you is over!

Crikey, if it were me in your position I would have redecorated the whole house, put my own stamp as a single woman on it. He wouldn't have liked that would he He sounds a bit control freakish to me UC, it's quite possible if you argue with him he will see himself as the victim and somehow you will end up to blame. Try not to give him any arguments. Don't justify yourself to him for anything. Try not to react to his words whether that be in email or verbally, it's quite possible he could be expecting you to so the fact you don't will really throw him off guard. The aim is to get respect from him, show him that you will not tolerate being messed about!

Yep, Advantage UC !

I think you are so right TFM. If I challenge him on anything, it becomes my fault for being unreasonable. I wonder if he is trying to get me to say that I was the one who was unhappy and have now realised that I wanted out, so that he can be relieved of any of the guilt of leaving. My counsellor said she also thought he was keeping one foot in the door. Also said he was "trying it on for size".

He just rang me with the DSs in the car - I didn't mention the futon, was very cheerful. It's always lovely to speak to DSs, esp when DS1 says "when am I coming home? When is it friday?", in a sad voice. Poor little mite. They were on their way to see her friend again, although not staying the night, according to DS1. I think he just can't cope on his own. H asked me if I mind (in accusatory tone), I said "of course not" very cheerfully. Just hope she isn't there, but as we said I can't do anything about that.

I wonder what he would do if he knew I was going on a date (which I'm not)?

He said once in our counselling that he was afraid if he came home to try with me to make it work that she wouldn't be waiting. Maybe now he will begin to see that if he tries with her, I might not be waiting.

Just changed my nickname. Like the initials better...

UC, you are brilliant! What a fantastic attitude you have. I think the more you 'resist' him, the happier and independent you appear the angrier he will become - at first! Then when he realises he isn't getting anywhere he will start being nice. So prepare yourself just incase.

It made me giggle when i read he rang you. He is certainly not giving up contact with you is he? Any excuse to get in touch and he is doing. I wonder if he is looking for signs, for little openings IYSWIM.

Try not to think about what he's up to. Focus on yourself. Enjoy having the power over him that you seemingly have. And why not let him believe that you have a date? I certainly would. I wouldn't let him think I was sitting around waiting for him

Keep up the good work!! xx

well I would have rung him anyway to speak to the DSs. I call them every day I am not with them.

I saw her friend yesterday at the gym, we said hello, smiled, made small talk, and then I just got on with talking to my friends, giving the DSs their tea, we all said goodbye and waved to them as they went. It can only be good that her friend sees me being a great mum, cheerful, and I had mascara on as I suspected she'd be there. No doubt both he and she will be wanting to know if I was there, and how I seemed... I had my outfit so carefully planned, and luckily when they arrived I was pounding away on the treadmill at 12 km an hour (only managed that for 1 minute though... ) before going back down to 10!

Did I tell you all about meeting her friend a couple of weeks ago? She came and introduced herself to me, the children obviously knew her and her little girl. Turns out she's been where I am - partner left her when DD was 9 months old, she understands where I'm at and seemed very sympathetic. And they are spending a lot of time with her.

OMG, blinding fear just hit me between the eyes. Friend might be one of you lovely ladies. Please tell me that's not so.

Don't worry, it's not me! Anyway, what would it matter if it was one of us? We would be a good friend to you

You really are handling all this very well you know, you seem so dignified and in control. Yes, in control! We can allow you the odd little blip

by the way, I reckon he rang you because he was feeling guilty about the snotty email he sent you, he was smoothing things over in his own sweet way of course.

UC even the name change suits

You are doing really well and he is really trying to contact you a lot isn't he ?

That's good that friend understands hopefully she will have her piece with them.

Whilst all this control is good make sure you do let out how you feel, if on here or to a friend as you need to deal with the feelings rather than bury them in case they find a way out.

But you have focused/chanelled your hurt amazingly i really hope it works out for you

TFM do you have Baffy number just wondered if you have been in touch would hate her to think we have bullied her away

Well have had a marathon cleaning day here. Have even washed curtains and cleaned out car as it was disgusting
Everything ticking along nicely here which is good and a nice place to be. Think 'normalness' depite not being very exciting is very comfortable and that will do for me!

UC - he is so leaving the door open isn't he. Especially asking for things then not coming for them. He wants to keep the channels of communication open and also give himself reasons to come back. You are doing a good job - I bet he'll be on his knees begging you to let him back before the years out.
Hi Lilyloo - know what you mean about the normalness. I love it when my life seems normal, although it never stays that way for long.

Its me again - I've finally changed my name. I didn't like the alcoholic connotations of the old one and I couldn't even abbreviate it because that made me sound like the nasty clinic at the hospital!!

UC - you're handling this in a very dignified manner. Very impressed

Worried about Baffy. Don't have facebook. Has anyone spoken to her recently?

Hi everyone

Yes, I do have Baffy's number but I think she just needs a bit of space right now. I am sure she doesn't think she has been bullied by us, I just don't think she is ready to give up on H just yet and wants to get her head around everything in her own time and in her own way. From what I can gather she is in touch with WW so I'm sure she is ok.

I will send her a text and let her know we are all thinking about her.

HW did you get the tablets?

Dior, good luck for weigh in! Let us know how you get on. And don't be coming back telling us you only lost a pound or two, any loss is a good loss. Positive thinking!

MacD, hope the boobies are feeling better.

UC Hope you are feeling very proud of yourself

Love to everyone else too xxx

Thank you all so much. I am going to try and stay off here until much later today, as I'm working, and was so unproductive yesterday. I don't need the sack..! Am trying so hard to be dignified, not to sink to their level of adolescence. But you're right, the anger and pain has to come out somewhere. I am a bit scared that I'm hoping and trying to play this long game in order to protect myself from the pain, giving myself a project. I suppose just the fact that I'm aware that's a danger is a good sign.

I hope you all have a good day, and good luck with the weigh in Dior!

Hi UC

I honestly don't think giving yourself a 'project' is such a bad thing, especially when that project is you. Not allowing yourself to be destroyed by this one person. If you weren't handling this way, what other way would there be? To wallow, to cry, become depressed, fight with him, be his victim? Nope! I've been there, done that and trust me, it get's you nowhere in the long run.

Feel free to rant all you like on here, let all your anger out with us

Wishing you a good and productive day xx

PS I have text Baffy and had a reply. She is up and down but is doing ok and thanks you all for thinking of her. Don't worry, I will keep a check on her

so much for staying off... after this I will not check til lunch time...

TFM, please say no if you want to, but I wondered if you would let me know your story? You seem to have handled everything so well. You mentioned old threads, would you mind if I read them? Do you have a link?

Now I will stay off til 12.30...

Glad to hear Baffy is doing as ok as possible in the circumstances.

I don't mind at all UC My thread is just a very small part of my story though. Lots more than that gone on for me! Would you like my email? I don't want to bore everyone else with things they may have already heard

This is a link t my original thread UC. I was known as IOHW then, short for Ifonlyhewould. Gosh, that seems like a lifetime ago now. I devised my own way of coping and handling things UC and it worked really well for me so if any advice I can give you that spares you a lot of the pain I went through I am happy to give it

Ooops

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=299023#6004607

here's the link

Just logging on quickly to let you all know I'm ok

Thank you for thinking of me.

I didn't feel bullied at all. I appreciate every second you all take to help me. I guess I just started to feel that I am frustrating you all so much and I don't want to end up losing my friends on here by becomming a burden that never does what you suggest!

I know how up and down I am in RL, and I'm sure that comes across on here too. But it's like sugar said to me in a text this morning, you only have one life and only you can choose what to do with it.

I do take in everything you say and I do agree with it (99% of the time )

I need to do what I believe is best for me and ds and what makes me happy. I'm just trying to work out what that is! And you do all help me so much with that. More than you know.

But I feel like you've all had 18 months of this crap from me, and as much as I will always be here to support you guys I don't want to become one of those friends who is just constant hassle.
So I will take this all one day at a time and see where it leads me.

In the meantime though I will stop going on!

WW you have tempted me into a wii fit. I'd love to start doing some good exercise and that sounds like it will give me the motivation I need.
I will look online today.

(I have ordered my supplements too TFM!)

UC - you sound like you're doing so well I'm so pleased for you.

Dior - keep up the good work it sounds like you're doing great too.

And - stop having meet-up's without me!

Naughty, naughty, back on... Yes, I'd love to email TFM, although I have the same fear as Baffy of being a pain and a burden. How do we swap mails withot everyone seeing our addresses?

BAFFY, you will not be a burden on anyone. Now I will tell myself the same thing. But it is horrible, that feeling that you are constantly talking, thinking about the situation you are in. I bore myself quite often, and frequently think "FFS UC, can't you think about something else for a millisecond?".

That's the beauty of being on this thread I think, we are all involved in crises one way or another, past or present, and we choose to come on here and read what you say, and respond. If we didn't want to, we wouldn't do it....

Thanks UC

Great to hear from you Baffy. Totally understand how you feel. Of course you need to do what feels right for you and your ds. Whatever decision you make has to be the right one for you. I don't know how you feel about it, but I know I felt very resentful about being put in a position where I had to make decisions when the situation was none of my own doing. Mind you, I do keep him on his toes by telling him I can't guarantee I will stay with him, though I will try my best. That is honestly how I feel though, so I'm not saying it to be manipulative. What is your h's current position on things? Will understand if you don't want to talk at the moment though - sounds like you need some reflective space at the moment.

Totally agree with UC - Baffy you are not a burden. You helped me loads when I was in a bad way so I am only to happy to try and repay the favour