New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

This sounds frightening and dangerous. I think you need to prioritise your safety. You're already in a position where you can't speak or act freely, so I think the marriage is over and what matters now is your exit strategy. What's your housing situation and do you have somewhere you can go, at least for now? Do you have access to money? My gut feeling from what you've said is that you need to get yourself and your son to a place of safety. I don't think there's going to be a calm negotiation to be had with this man. It's natural to want to understand what's caused this but you may never know. Do you have family or friends you can reach out to? If not, I would contact Women's Aid as a matter of urgency. I think you're in danger of under-reacting here because it's hard to get your head around.

Im guessing he didnt want to get married, do you have a mortgage and both own rhe house, are you in huge debt coz of the wedding, youve trapped him and hes punishing you, did he want sex before you were married? Why did you get married was it you that pushed for it....

Could he be gay?

This is exactly how my ex husband was with me. Nastier and nastier, picking at everything to make me feel like I was going mad. Then ran off with a 20yr old girl (hed been seeing for 6 months behind my back) leaving me utterly blindsided and with 5 deverstated children. May not be whats happening here but just be aware...it happens (and its almost word for word how it stared with me)
If not another woman hes acting like he wants out but wants you to be the one to end it so hes not the bad guy

My DD, married for a year, experienced the same sort of behaviour. Yes, there was another woman - he eventually confessed despite denying it for months. The divorce is underway now.

It’s a woman at the gym.
it’s a woman at work.
Crush of a friend’s wife/GF
Red Pill/Incel BS
Steroids.
Gambling debt.
Drugs.

These are all the things I can think of that ma explain his behaviour. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. He’s violent and abusive.

Say what now?

Wrong forum, Bud.

I'd strongly suspect he's had his head turned. Sorry, OP.

Ugh, he is a vile person. Please leave him. You can’t live like this. I do think he is having an affair and is being cowardly. Try to find out and then get rid.

I wouldn’t even mention it to him, the nasty fucker. I’d quietly look at my options regarding divorce. You can apply online now and do it all yourself for about £500, and I’m not sure if it’s easier because you’ve been married less than a year, but I’d find out.

He will get a nice surprise when he gets notified that you’ve filed for divorce.

He hide his inner monster.

Wtf? They have a 4 yo. Did you even read the OP? Get a grip.

So sorry this is happening to you. Don't allow him to weaken your confidence and resolve, this is not your fault, he is the one with the problem. Choose a calm moment tell him you are worried about him, he seems unhappy at home with you, and ask him why. Try to have a nonconfrontational discussion with him, give him the opportunity to open up about his feelings. It may be another woman, it may be something comletely different, but there is a reason. If he won't then consider what you want, you deverve happiness, love, and respect from your husband. Don,'t let him put all the guilt and blame for his unhappiness on you.

Does it matter why he’s changed? He has and you can’t possibly love a man who would do and say the things he has . Leave. As soon as you can.

@Sillygirl1988 OP I honestly think you need to think very carefully about next steps. He does not sound right in the head. You need to start the ball rolling to get away from him. Speak to Womens Aid & the Police as he is not behaving like a normal person. See what they advise and if needs be get the Police to remove him from the family home. If he wants to lose his mind he can do it with them & they can take him away to sit in a Police Cell. You are done being frightened in your own home and you cannot have your son around such toxicity. Please you need proper advice on getting him far away from you.

Abuse often starts soon after you get married, and his sounds like very typical gaslighting. In mine I suddenly became unable to do anything right - stuff like, id buy white bread one week, he'd say he hates it and i must only ever buy brown. Next week id buy brown and he'd shout that he only eats white... But that pattern for everything. Which sounds like what you're going through. Constant walking on eggshells. Id suggest you ring Women's aid or similar for advice, as a previous poster suggested.

get rid. Or he’ll turn your child into his own image and against you.

People saying it doesn’t matter are not really recognizing the confusion and devastation of having someone you’ve chosen as your life partner suddenly turn into a cruel stranger.

The reason would matter greatly to me. And I couldn’t just write off my life without trying to find the reason.

Sudden changes in behavior are usually caused by one of:
-drugs or other addiction
-jealousy (aka, lack of self esteem triggered by other factors)
-a crush or affair
-deep seeded issues with family/marriage
-medical issue (brain tumor, etc)

Some of these are resolvable and some not. And that all depends on the other person. It’s easy to tell her to leave but incredibly hard to actually do that.

I would start with making a change to how she responds to his nastiness. ( unless he has the potential to become physical). Even remaining silent or rolling eyes rather than treating his complaints seriously could change the dynamic. Even saying “I prefer these sponges; you’re welcome to buy different ones.” Or, “Well, I’m not cooking with broken oven door so guess we’ll just have cold cuts until you find the funds to get it fixed since you broke it.”

He’s going to get worse if she just takes it every time.

The main thing to remember is that it’s never your fault if this happens to you. It’s never acceptable and there’s nothing you could do to cause or deserve this unkindness and disrespect in your own home.

@Sillygirl1988 I don't have experience of marriage but I do have experience of men being nasty to me. There is no reason to stay and put up with it. None at all. Leave, and leave as soon as possible.

Good news is you don't have to put up with this abuse. Divorce him asap. Move on. He will only get worse. You and your son deserve a calm, stress-free household. This abuser is denying you that. Start proceedings today. Good luck! 💐💪🏼

You HAVE to speak to him about it. Coming on here to Mumsnet will do absolutely nothing but make you spiral and then nothing changes. Only HE can explain what is going on, there is no point guessing. Gather up the courage, steel yourself for a blow up, hold your mettle and make it really, really clear to him that you are not his emotional punch bag. Tell him if he wants to leave, leave. But you will not stay and deal with this.

This what I had to do. I have been incredibly hard on my husband the last 18 months for ANYTHING he does that is disrespectful, mean or demeaning. He is is now permanently on his best behaviour because guess what? He doesn't want to lose me. And if he did want to? Great, see ya! You can't make someone stay.

He was doing exactly the same sort of shit as your DH, making everything my fault, unappreciative, sarcastic. I felt like I was living with a snippy, sardonic 15 yr old. Fuck that. Do not take shit from him. I know it's scary because I am conflict avoidant too. But do you want to live like this forever? It will only get worse if you allow this terrible behaviour. He needs a massive wake up call.

I know that pregnancy is famously the point where abuse starts, if it's going to start. But I'm not surprised that pregnancy wasn't the flashpoint for abuse in their case, because it was a new relationship so they may not even have been living together at the time. When you do dating then marriage then pregnancy, pregnancy is the last nail in the coffin. In OP's case, marriage was the last nail. Now she's trapped. In his eyes.

I don't think they have a baby, luckily.

OP regardless of the reason, this can't be resolved without a conversation. If you go snooping for evidence of an affair and find it, you're still going to have to talk to him!

If your main concern is your DS overhearing an argument, talk when he isn't around. Make a plan then send your DH a 'we need to talk' message with the details.

You could get a sitter and go for a drink, talk in the garden when DS is asleep, walk around the grounds together while your DS is doing his sport. I'm sure you can figure out a way.