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Original poster

New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

451 replies

Sillygirl1988 · 02/07/2026 20:37

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

OP posts:
AnnieGetYourBun · 03/07/2026 04:41

BeardySchnauzer · 02/07/2026 20:39

Could there be someone else?

My first thought too.

LivinginILspockets · 03/07/2026 04:46

You don’t need proof of an affair to leave. You don’t need a consensus on Mumsnet either. You can leave because your gut is telling you he’s an awful man. You and your son deserve so much better. Is this how your want your child to view relationships, or to be in one?

you can do this even without close family, there are resources and you sound strong and capable. You’ve got this.

Icanseeasquirrel · 03/07/2026 04:49

Immature and nasty man who despises you and won’t even control his temper around his child. Doesn’t fancy you. Doesn’t respect or even like you. Low prospects. Gym fanatic. Secretive with his phone.

The sooner you leave the better your life will be.

So you got pregnant within a year of meeting him? That’s a mistake but explains why you’ve been too busy to analyse this before.

Don’t forget to frame it that YOU are unhappy and feel unloved and unsupported. Don’t get into his faults as that escalates arguments as he tries to defend why he’s perfect and everything is your fault. Just agree that you are aware he doesn’t like you and it seems sensible to split.

DimwittedSkater · 03/07/2026 05:18

Mauvish1 · 02/07/2026 22:18

Oh sweetheart - have you married my ex?!

My ex turned nasty when we married - it was as though a switch had been pressed. He also becamse insanely jealous, and tried to separate my from my friends and family. I didn't understand why and I'm still not sure but you know what? It doesn't matter WHY these men do this, what matters is that he is treating you like this.

I think, with my ex, he was wanting to be in control. I'm certain he wasn't, at that point, having an affair (that came later). He said he liked strong women, but he couldn't cope with the idea of one once he'd married one! I spent so much time placating him and trying to soothe the atmosphere so that my daughter (his DSD) didn't pick up on the problems - this was futile, of course, she was only little but still she knew that things weren't right.

I'll warn you about what might happen next, in case your DH has got the same ideas as my ex. When my ex realised that he'd pushed too far and I wanted out, he suddenly switched back to the funny, fun, loving man that he'd been prior to the wedding. He was like that long enough to lure me back in - then the cycle started again. Over and over.

And if I was proving difficult to lure back in, he would threaten suicide. He went into detail about how he'd do this. I couldn't bear the idea that he might do that, not for his sake but because I didn't want my DD to think that was a way out of problems. So I put up with far too much, for far too long, before finally getting rid.

(I also think that was very dangerous - he seemed to think that it was "romantic" if a couple died together and I genuinely think that if I'd shown the slightest wavering over this, he would have been suggesting a "suicide pact". BE VERY WARY!)

It would have been much better for me and for my DD if I'd acted quickly, within that first year of marriage, and divorced him then.

I know it's so difficult. There are all the practical things to consider if you split up, plus it's not easy to admit that your marriage has gone south so soon. But this is, or should be, your honeymoon period. Some honeymoon, huh? It's probably more likely to get worse than to improve. Please take everyone's advice and cut your losses NOW.

Amazing post.

My abusive exH also did the cycle thing. There'd be a long build-up where I was given intense silent treatment. I would ask him a million times what was wrong, and a million times I was told nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Then the atmosphere would get so bad there'd be the inevitable blow up, then would come the honeymoon period, then the tension would begin to rise again. For no reason whatsoever. Oh - he blamed my weight.

MixedBananas · 03/07/2026 05:20

Can you arrange to bring it up after son has gone to bed. And then try brouch the topic in a light hearted manner.

Very suapext he went from 0 - 100 after the marriage. Was he happy on the day of the wedding? Naybe reaenrdul on the expense? Feeling trapped? Regret?
Regardless the behaviour is abuisive acting out and breaking things is abuse to. Intimidation and bullying.
Not acceptable and if he refuses to discuss it like a sane adult then there is something very worrisome going on. Affair / financial issues etc etc.

DimwittedSkater · 03/07/2026 05:24

DeepRubySwan · 03/07/2026 03:48

You HAVE to speak to him about it. Coming on here to Mumsnet will do absolutely nothing but make you spiral and then nothing changes. Only HE can explain what is going on, there is no point guessing. Gather up the courage, steel yourself for a blow up, hold your mettle and make it really, really clear to him that you are not his emotional punch bag. Tell him if he wants to leave, leave. But you will not stay and deal with this.

This what I had to do. I have been incredibly hard on my husband the last 18 months for ANYTHING he does that is disrespectful, mean or demeaning. He is is now permanently on his best behaviour because guess what? He doesn't want to lose me. And if he did want to? Great, see ya! You can't make someone stay.

He was doing exactly the same sort of shit as your DH, making everything my fault, unappreciative, sarcastic. I felt like I was living with a snippy, sardonic 15 yr old. Fuck that. Do not take shit from him. I know it's scary because I am conflict avoidant too. But do you want to live like this forever? It will only get worse if you allow this terrible behaviour. He needs a massive wake up call.

Christ, was it really worth it? Didn't it give you the massive ick having to force him to respect you?

JMSA · 03/07/2026 05:25

Newmeagain · 02/07/2026 20:42

Yes, in my experience the nastiness often manifests itself if there is another woman.

Yup, same.

confusedcrane · 03/07/2026 05:27

DeepRubySwan · 03/07/2026 03:48

You HAVE to speak to him about it. Coming on here to Mumsnet will do absolutely nothing but make you spiral and then nothing changes. Only HE can explain what is going on, there is no point guessing. Gather up the courage, steel yourself for a blow up, hold your mettle and make it really, really clear to him that you are not his emotional punch bag. Tell him if he wants to leave, leave. But you will not stay and deal with this.

This what I had to do. I have been incredibly hard on my husband the last 18 months for ANYTHING he does that is disrespectful, mean or demeaning. He is is now permanently on his best behaviour because guess what? He doesn't want to lose me. And if he did want to? Great, see ya! You can't make someone stay.

He was doing exactly the same sort of shit as your DH, making everything my fault, unappreciative, sarcastic. I felt like I was living with a snippy, sardonic 15 yr old. Fuck that. Do not take shit from him. I know it's scary because I am conflict avoidant too. But do you want to live like this forever? It will only get worse if you allow this terrible behaviour. He needs a massive wake up call.

Hard disagree. That's a very big gamble for OP and her son's safety, similar to anyone suggesting she announces she's leaving it wants a divorce to him. We know he's escalated suddenly into verbal abuse and OP is afraid of his anger. There are clear signs of domestic abuse. There is a risk he escalates again to physical abuse.

OP, definitely call Women's Aid. I know it's a terrifying thought - I've been there, feeling like I had no right to call and thinking that they'd tell me to go away. They were exactly what I needed. My ex also got very nasty suddenly, and it was another woman he ended up leaving me for. It really threw me at the time. He ended up SA'ing me after the break up (never meet them alone to "just talk it out"). Turns out his behaviour had been abusive all along but I didn't see it. One you do though, you can't unsee it. Wishing you the best, please stay safe.

SeamusPlinth · 03/07/2026 05:40

Sillygirl1988 · 02/07/2026 20:51

I feel very much like I’m walking on egg shells.

I purchased the wrong sink scourers yesteday. Got told “not to buy them again”.

popped into m and s to buy my fave cocktail. It’s been a long week. Utter waste of money apparently. It’s literally everything.

Show quote history

This ^

I bought the wrong brand of beans on the second day we were living together DW shouted at me ... I had never heard a woman shout before. It got worse, DV etc but it was always too expensive to leave - she owns half my house. I coped.

SeamusPlinth · 03/07/2026 06:07

MJxJones · 02/07/2026 21:36

So cause a fight? Its not your job to appease him?.

Ill tell you two things

  1. my husband and I got married after 8 years together. In the 3 months after we had been married he stopped lifting a finger around the house. We had no kids, both worked full time, i made more money then him and worked longer hours but for some reason once we got married he thought he had a "wife" to do things for him. I sat him down and told him if he didn't pull his finger out his arse I would stop doing anything in our house. I was probably doing 60% to his 40% before we got married anfd I would have not done a single other thing at all. The only reason I didn't leave him then was because he was fundamentally a good man and the way he was behaving was so out of character. I still don't really understand what he was thinking but he reverted back to normal and never did thatagain

2 I had to get rid of my Alexa cause I hated the way I spoke to it. So rude and bossy it really brought a side out of me I did not like. I realised it's because it didn't argue back and was just constantly searching forways to make me happy. Don't be Alexa-if he tells you you stacked the dishwasher wrong tell him cool he's now in charge of the dishwasher. If he complains about something you bought ask him to go to the shop right now and by the correct one. If he talks to you in a rude manner tell him to go away and come back when he can speak civilly.

But what it comes down to really and the only reason im even entertaining this post is you know if he's a fundamentally good person whose acting like a dick

If he's always been a dick to other people and now he's being a dick to you it absolutely will not get better so pull the plaster off and leave him now.

Show quote history

I had to get rid of my Alexa cause I hated the way I spoke to it. So rude and bossy it really brought a side out of me I did not like.

Never ever thought of this! True, Alexa is part of the family dynamics... Alexa - f off

DeepRubySwan · 03/07/2026 06:10

confusedcrane · 03/07/2026 05:27

Hard disagree. That's a very big gamble for OP and her son's safety, similar to anyone suggesting she announces she's leaving it wants a divorce to him. We know he's escalated suddenly into verbal abuse and OP is afraid of his anger. There are clear signs of domestic abuse. There is a risk he escalates again to physical abuse.

OP, definitely call Women's Aid. I know it's a terrifying thought - I've been there, feeling like I had no right to call and thinking that they'd tell me to go away. They were exactly what I needed. My ex also got very nasty suddenly, and it was another woman he ended up leaving me for. It really threw me at the time. He ended up SA'ing me after the break up (never meet them alone to "just talk it out"). Turns out his behaviour had been abusive all along but I didn't see it. One you do though, you can't unsee it. Wishing you the best, please stay safe.

Show quote history

He is disrespectful and taking her for granted. I think it's a stretch to call it abuse. Everyone on here telling her to divorce a man she has a child with after one year of marriage: it's easy to say and hard to do. I am amazed at the number of women that will come on forums like this but never speak to their partners about it. Hard conversations are a part of long relationships otherwise everyone would just get divorced. Life as a single mother on one income is no walk in the park and it's really reckless to just throw it out there like it's the easiest thing in the world over something that could be dealt with in other ways. This has been going on only six months. She doesn't need to upend her entire life when she could just talk to him. At least that way she can get a read on whether he wants to change or not.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/07/2026 06:18

Well all you need to know is he’s an utter cunt now so leave Flowers I would have left for him deliberately arguing in front of your son, that’s abusive and leaves children with lasting trauma. He’s doing it deliberately as he knows you won’t do that.

possible explanations (you don’t need one, you don’t need to analyse his behaviour, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT)

  1. the classic - another woman, probably found at the gym
  2. he’s ‘trapped’ now so he’s taking it out on you
  3. hes envious that you’re life is ‘better’ - the kid loves you more, you’ve just retrained, you’ve friends
  4. he was hiding it all this time and now you’re trapped he can ‘get away’ with being abusive
XelaM · 03/07/2026 06:24

He's either taking steroids or having an affair (or both).

If you can afford it and want to know if he's really cheating, maybe hire a PI?

SassyLemonFish · 03/07/2026 06:32

Sillygirl1988 · 02/07/2026 21:24

I’ll have a root around see if I can see a thing in his work clothes. I doubt it though. He’s a keen gym person so wouldn’t help with that

I suspect steroid use.

Research shows it can cause personality changes of the kind you describe.

Steroids also cause impotence/lack of sex drive, which you have alluded to

SassyLemonFish · 03/07/2026 06:35

SassyLemonFish · 03/07/2026 06:32

I suspect steroid use.

Research shows it can cause personality changes of the kind you describe.

Steroids also cause impotence/lack of sex drive, which you have alluded to

Show quote history

Whatever you do, don’t have another bearn with him

babyproblems · 03/07/2026 06:37

Have the conversations at counseling. That way there is someone else present.
I think you need to tell him this is unacceptable and you won’t continue the relationship without change and counseling…

I don’t see how he can come back from this unless he’s prepared to make changes - which it doesn’t sound like he is.
be careful - I fear he might turn physical to be honest. Tell someone in real life how he is behaving. I expect there is some financial control..

lots of luck to you op xx

Frumpitydoo · 03/07/2026 06:39

He's reverse discarding you OP.

Nottoobadreally · 03/07/2026 06:45

I had this happen years ago in my 20s. Married someone I'd been with for 5 years. He turned nasty on our honeymoon (actually there were a few occasions after we got engaged but i blamed wedding stress). It was like now he'd won me, he'd stop trying and start making my life hell. It got increasingly worse. After 2 years I ran. I swear I ran to the car with a bag of stuff and never went back. I saw him once more in a busy restaurant to tell him we would get a divorce. He did the I'll change, i'm depressed stuff, I felt like I could never trust him and though i felt an urge to re-try i'm so glad i didn't. I met a wonderful man who I've married and had 3 children with. I had 10 years of counselling on and off. I couldn't be happier these days. 16 years ago when this happened I thought I'd been broken so much I'd never be happy again.

Why am I saying this? Because you've got a whole life ahead of you. Don't let yourself become completely broken feeling you should try to make things work. Sometimes what you thought was a happy ever after is the chapter that makes you stronger.

Also, I bet if you leave him everyone will be secretly relieved as I bet they could see his true colours. Just little warnings they thiught weren't quite right.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/07/2026 06:51

Usually an affair. Happens a lot straight after marriage!

staybyyou · 03/07/2026 06:52

A lot of your examples are about spending money, so he obviously has a problem with that. But in my experience when a man changes and becomes angry and difficult, it means there is another woman, however unlikely you think that might be.

Joystir59 · 03/07/2026 06:54

Sillygirl1988 · 02/07/2026 21:24

I’ll have a root around see if I can see a thing in his work clothes. I doubt it though. He’s a keen gym person so wouldn’t help with that

Is he on steroids? They can make a person aggressive

Superhansrantowindsor · 03/07/2026 07:03

You had a child very quickly together. The baby years I imagine were chaotic and exciting and different. Then there was the excitement of wedding planning. Everything is calm now and settled. Perhaps he’s always been like this and it’s just more obvious now. Whatever the reason, it’s no at to live. Walk away.

NeatPinkFinch · 03/07/2026 07:12

You need to get away from him ASAP OP. If you need a reason why he’s acting like this please read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Spoiler alert - it is not your fault!

takeharry · 03/07/2026 07:16

Sillygirl1988 · 02/07/2026 21:24

I’ll have a root around see if I can see a thing in his work clothes. I doubt it though. He’s a keen gym person so wouldn’t help with that

Don’t bother. It won’t change the outcome. You need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to be abused by this man. If not get the fuck out asap.

The why? doesn’t really matter, you are focused on the wrong thing. It’s his abusive behaviour towards you that needs considered. He isn’t going to suddenly turn into a nice man. It’s very common for abusive men to turn quite suddenly one they have you trapped. I once met a woman who came home a few days after her wedding to find her new husband had cut his wedding ring into 3 pieces. She stayed. 20 years later she was an absolute shell of herself, severe mental health problems, unable to function in society alone. He did that. He took everything from her. Please do not let this man do it to you.

anyolddinosaur · 03/07/2026 07:19

He's abusive. It will get worse and your son will learn this behaviour. You have a couple of choices - really stand up to him and tell him you will not tolerate this or walk straight out. It's likely you'll be leaving anyway, the first part just prolongs it.

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