New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Also couple counselling is not on with an abuser.
Definitely a get out now scenario.
I hope op has people irl she can turn to.
He sounds like he's a scary bastard.

Oh sweetheart - have you married my ex?!

My ex turned nasty when we married - it was as though a switch had been pressed. He also becamse insanely jealous, and tried to separate my from my friends and family. I didn't understand why and I'm still not sure but you know what? It doesn't matter WHY these men do this, what matters is that he is treating you like this.

I think, with my ex, he was wanting to be in control. I'm certain he wasn't, at that point, having an affair (that came later). He said he liked strong women, but he couldn't cope with the idea of one once he'd married one! I spent so much time placating him and trying to soothe the atmosphere so that my daughter (his DSD) didn't pick up on the problems - this was futile, of course, she was only little but still she knew that things weren't right.

I'll warn you about what might happen next, in case your DH has got the same ideas as my ex. When my ex realised that he'd pushed too far and I wanted out, he suddenly switched back to the funny, fun, loving man that he'd been prior to the wedding. He was like that long enough to lure me back in - then the cycle started again. Over and over.

And if I was proving difficult to lure back in, he would threaten suicide. He went into detail about how he'd do this. I couldn't bear the idea that he might do that, not for his sake but because I didn't want my DD to think that was a way out of problems. So I put up with far too much, for far too long, before finally getting rid.

(I also think that was very dangerous - he seemed to think that it was "romantic" if a couple died together and I genuinely think that if I'd shown the slightest wavering over this, he would have been suggesting a "suicide pact". BE VERY WARY!)

It would have been much better for me and for my DD if I'd acted quickly, within that first year of marriage, and divorced him then.

I know it's so difficult. There are all the practical things to consider if you split up, plus it's not easy to admit that your marriage has gone south so soon. But this is, or should be, your honeymoon period. Some honeymoon, huh? It's probably more likely to get worse than to improve. Please take everyone's advice and cut your losses NOW.

Please please book an appointment for legal advice and plan your escape from him. This is an emotionally abusive relationship and your son is witnessing it. It counts as domestic abuse when children witness abuse, regardless of whether it's physical or emotional.

This is a toxic environment for you both... this is supposed to be the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship yet he's treating you like utter shit. My husband of 15 years has never spoken to me like that and this has been a matter of months since you got married. This is not ok: you deserve so much more, so does your child.

Perhaps if she had tried the low-key discussion early on, this might have been resolved by now.

Well if his behaviour escalates to hitting you your child will probarly be exposed to that.

This is not on the op to fix this horrible cunt!!

I’ve not RTFT but this has all the hallmarks of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. Unless he gets genuine help and support for his behaviour, you have to leave for the sake of you and your child. This will only get worse.

Well given that she has made it clear that "low key" isnt not something he would do and would involve their child, I can't blame her for trying to protect her child.

@Sillygirl1988 he is an abuser . He has waited until you are trapped and he can now treat you any way he likes .
Do not talk to him . Can you leave now ? Or if not now make plans to leave. .He his NOT going to change this is who he is. The abuse may escalate if you stay .
Also do a Claire’s law on him.

You can do better. Stay with him and you will regret it! He has shown you his true colours, now it’s up to you to show him the door. Get rid!

You are afraid of him. Hell, I'M afraid of him!
You don't need clues. You don't need to know why he's changed. You just need to know that he's dangerous. And you need to plan your escape very carefully, don't give him even a hint until you've got a place to go, your money safe, and know that he can't touch you or your DC when you tell him.
I'm sure you think I'm exaggerating but honestly, he gives me the chills.

My best friends husband was a total arse and it turns out he was cheating on her literally their entire marriage

Just a thought......do you have more assets that him?

You say your parents and sister have passed, did you inherit? He may have married you thinking he could get hold of half of it, and now is trying to push you to divorce him. Obviously he doesnt know that a very short marriage will mean that you both leave with what you arrived with.

Mine did this! 8 years together and just turned into a wanker as soon as got home from honeymoon. I think he just thought I wouldn't leave now was married. Permanent fixture. There was no other woman he just decided he wasn't going to 'put up with my bullshit anymore'...I left after 8 months

And I bet to this day he doesnt understand why and will claim to have been blindsided.

If he is an avid gym goer, could he be taking steroids?

The thing is, it doesn't actually matter why. There is no 'why' that would make this ok. Whether he's naturally nasty and has been hiding it, whether he's got someone else, is having MH problems, is under stress... what ever it is, it is not an excuse to treat you in this dreadful way. If you can't even speak to him about it there really is only one option, and that's to end the relationship. Also, abusing a child's mother IS abusing the child. Make no mistake about that.

That's what I was wondering

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. Faults are thick where love is thin so the reality is whether he has someone else or not that he doesn’t like you very much and his actions are definitely not love. Any man worth your tears wouldn’t upset you in the first place.

None of that is your fault. He’s a grown man and there are ways to end a relationship without wearing down and destroying the other person over time. It’s clear he doesn’t value your contribution either to the family. Again that reflects on him.

Good on you wanting to get more hours and better job. Accept sooner rather than later you won’t get the validation or love you need here so put a protective force field round yourself until you have your ducks in a row.

You can't protect your child from the angst between you indefinitely.

Tell your DH that you've had enough of being talked down to, criticised and belittled and you want to seperate and divorce.

Grey Rock it. Don't let him see you upset. Don't listen to DARVO - any of that laugh in his face.

He doesn't love you, I'm sorry. We dont treat those we love with contempt. Go by his actions, not his words.

If this is out of character could he be starting with Early Onset Dementia.

OH. Lack of interest in sex. Good theory. I wonder if his man bits have shrunk Hypogonadism.

Or, more likely, he is a fucking arsehole.

We've had plenty of those married to mumsnetters over the years.

Have you ever been subjected to this kind of behaviour from a partner?