New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Whilst I would agree he is nasty but it’s not necessarily abusive (yet) just…bickery. Why would you want to stay married to someone who is a nasty bickery git? With no capacity to self reflect and fix it himself.

Why do you think it’s acceptable for him to be that way for SIX months and not address the issue himself? He’s treating his family like crap. Why do you think it’s the woman’s job to try to fix this? He’s a grown man. Does he not have self reflection? Empathy? Capacity to understand his own actions hurt others and to take responsibility? Cause those things are all huge red flags. And it shouldn’t need a woman to sit down and explain to him why his hurtful behaviour is hurtful and there is no excuse to be that way. That way, madness lies.

Not to mention the fact that she already told us that if she tries to address things he accuses her of starting a fight. Which, also suggests he is in fact abusive because that is what they tend to do.

So whilst I’m not necessarily ready to call it abuse currently, it is toxic enough to leave. And it is indicative he isn’t a nice person, and the bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being. He isn’t a safe place, he’s an unnecessary risk. And it’s damaging for your child to remain there too.

Even on the off chance she could take him aside and hive a civilised conversation with him where he didn’t resort to gaslighting her that she doesn’t have the right to be mad at him, do you really think the sort of man who behaves like him, would magically change? What about if something else causes him to spiral again in future? Does op have to live on eggshells for that forever now too? Hoping she can baby him into to some empathy again when that time comes? Fuck that.

Men do not need us to fix them. Healthy men are perfectly capable of self reflection and have empathy. They might have an off day. They don’t have an off six months. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Women are not rehab for damaged men.

It sounds like your son is hearing your husband shouting anyway, and this will only escalate. Try to have a serious conversation when your son is out of the house, and start planning your getaway anyway,

This nails it. It may be he feels you are more trapped in some way now so he can let this stuff ont.

Whatever the issue is, if he's refusing to even talk about it then how is this relationship sustainable? I'd be making an exit plan. You can't live that way OP, it isn't good for anyone

Coercive control - this is potentially escalating behaviour and I suspect he either has his eye on someone else or is already involved elsewhere. Q to you - do you need to live like this. If he is doing this after only a few months of marriage what will 12 months down the road look like? I suggest a confidential conversation with a solicitor about how to extract yourself from this situation

I am sorry though.

This isn't really an AIBU situation — nothing you've described suggests you're being unreasonable at all. What you're describing sounds like a pattern, not a bad patch: constant criticism over small, unavoidable things (bin bags, dishwasher stacking, the food shop), anger that's out of proportion to what actually happened, breaking something and then making it your problem to fix, no acknowledgment when something good happens for you (the interview), and a general withdrawal — no more calls or texts in the day. Individually some of these could be explained away. Together, and escalating over four months with no clear trigger, they form a shape worth taking seriously.
You said everything you do is wrong now — that specific feeling, where nothing you do is right no matter how much effort you put in, is really common in relationships where one partner has started using criticism to keep the other off balance. It doesn't mean that's definitely what's happening, but it's worth naming because it can be hard to see clearly from inside it, especially when it's crept up gradually rather than arrived all at once.
You said he broke the oven door and told you to replace it yourself if you're bothered, right after spending £100 on trainers. That's not really about money. It's about whose needs get to matter.
A few honest questions, not to answer here necessarily, just to sit with: Has anything actually changed in his life in the last four to six months — work stress, money worries, something else — or has this really come from nowhere? Is he like this only with you, or has your son started noticing anything too? And when you try to talk to him about how he's speaking to you, what happens?
You don't have to have this figured out to reach out for support. Women's Aid (0808 2000 247, freephone, 24/7) is a good place to talk this through even if you're not sure yet what you'd call it — they're used to people who are exactly where you are right now, not sure what's happening but knowing something's wrong.

This behaviour is usually caused by one of three things:
Another woman
Severe stress he's keeping quiet about (debt, failing at work)
General dislike of the life he's living, doesn't like being married with a child.
Unless it's the second, and he admits it very quickly, owns up to taking it out on you and changes, unfortunately the prognosis for your marriage is poor.
Because once they get a taste for it, treat you like dirt, and have you respond by working harder to please, it becomes a vicious circle. As the more you appease, the more they despise you and the worse they treat you.
You need a proper sit down conversation where you tell him this is not going to continue. Be prepared to need to leave.

She doesn't need proof. No fault divorce has been in for years. She just needs to get out of this situation because he is abusive.

Agree. I was also thinking it's possible that he's hiding something really stressful - debt, problems at work, health issue. That's really the only circumstance in which the OP could work past that sort of behaviour - but only if he opens up to her about it.

Exactly. Obviously an affair is terrible but it doesn't really matter what the reason for his behaviour is, the behaviour is unacceptable and if he's unwillingly to discuss your relationship and why he's suddenly acting like he hates you then the marriage is doomed.

This 🙏 sometimes you just have to find your anger & tell someone you're not taking their shit

My ex did this. Over a period of a few months, he could start an argument over anything and everything I did was wrong. After he had a go at me over something minor I asked him if he wanted to be with me anymore. He said he didn't know. Long story short, he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said, picking arguments was him trying to force the situation. He basically didn't have the balls to end the relationship and was trying to get me to do it. I found out 3 months later, there was another woman from his work who he had lined up. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I would get my financials in order and plan a way out.

Psychological abuse is the regular and deliberate use of words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person and to distort, confuse or influence their thoughts and actions. It is also referred to as emotional abuse.
Victims of psychological abuse may also experience physical violence, though they don’t always. But it can be just as harmful.
Signs of psychological abuse
It can be hard to spot the signs of psychological abuse. People who perpetrate psychological abuse may behave differently in public and private. And victims may not understand that what they’re experiencing is abuse.
Psychological abuse includes things like:

• gaslighting, or making someone question their own thinking or understanding of reality
• shifting the blame to the victim, for example by presenting insults as a joke
• criticism, humiliation or put-downs
• silent treatment
• controlling who someone can speak to, meet or spend time with
• suggesting the victim is mentally unstable.

OP, does it make a difference what the reason is? It's never going to be, I'm nasty and I bully you because I love you so much, is it? What reason could possibly be good enough for you to accept this treatment for one more second?

However, it seems likely the reason is that he is an abusive piece of shit and the person he pretended to be for most of your relationship is just that - a pretence. Now he has you locked down, his true self comes out. And yeah, maybe he's seeing someone, and also yes, he's probably jealous of your job and friends and resentful about parenting, and all the other things people will tell you. But at the end of the day, it's obviously just who he is.

So really, the ball is in your court to decide if you want this life for yourself and your child. By the way, he's already been violent (breaking the oven door) and it's highly likely to escalate at some point. These men don't change, they only get worse. If I were you, I'd get out now before he breaks your spirit.

Mines secretly on Mounjaro to lose five stone. God the mood swings, anger, frankly off his head with some faddish eating ideas. When he increased the dose I presume he had nausea, squits, was up all night and the next day. He blamed it on kitchen hygiene. Bastard I thought it's the bloody jabs, no-one else is ill.

He's now back to being bad tempered.

I could imagine a number of reasons for his wrath if I didn't know better. So IMO it really doesn't matter why they're being so nasty. It really hurts.

Thanks for saying this. There are a lot of women out there who hit middle age and start putting their husbands in their place. They force them into "behaving" or losing it all. They think this is a win. Fuck that.

I think you need to have a conversation and nip this in the bud. I would drive the fact home that you did not sign up to be treated this way and if it continues you cannot see the relationship lasting. He needs a good wake up call. And next time he comments on something, say if I want your opinion I’ll ask for it.

Erratic work patterns
Gym
No interest in sex with you
Guards his phone
Being horrid to you.

I'd bet my favourite bra that there's someone else OP. Its a classic situation you see play out on here time and time again.

Does your workplace offer any counselling? Some places do, and I'd recommend it if you can access it.

Start a log of all his shitty behaviour. In a password protected file on your phone.

I always wish people in these situations on mumsnet would get someone to tail their shitty husbands - because I've never seen one of these threads where another woman isn't eventually revealed and it would save the poor OP a lot of time and heartache and beating themselves up.

Affair, sorry.

Exactly!

There are lots of people out there who are incapable of self reflection or lack empathy for those they are supposed to love. Who basically just aren’t… fully realised human beings. Something in them is missing. We can’t fix or change that. Because it’s something that’s innate…or, isn’t. Even if you could train them like a dog to pretend they had a healthy inner world, it would still just be play pretend.

Don't you want to be married to someone who is capable of emotional growth under their own steam? Who cares about others and seeks to improve themselves continuously throughout life without having to be mothered into it?

Don’t stay with people who aren’t self actualised. It’s basically like marrying an NPC. And a bad npc at that. Part of the human code is missing. We can’t add it in after the fact.

There are lots of possible reasons he's turned so mean. An affair, drug use, possibly steroids at the gym, he's got you locked down so he thinks he can treat you however he pleases, but the core here is he's mean to you for no reason and you shouldn't be putting up with that kind of treatment from your husband.

I'd be gone. I don't stick around for a man to treat me poorly.

How did he break the oven glass? Was it an accident or was he raging and slamming things? If the latter, I'd say leave at once.

I used to think it was issues in DH childhood that I could fix. I couldn't and to be honest it's got worse in retirement..

Besides which, surely you have a joint account for such bills? I think there is someone else. You would be best working out how to leave him. Is the house jointly owned, for example?

No. We stop tolerating unacceptable behaviour.

It is NEVER ok to treat anyone like this. Full stop.

Why stay with someone who only "behaves" when you threaten to leave them?