New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Probably another woman. Normally is.

I’m not sure why so many people, and now you, OP, are focusing on whether he is having an affair. It doesn’t matter why he is doing this, it is unacceptable and for the sake of both your son and yourself, you need to make it stop, or leave him.

If you read back through your post it is just one long stream of you trying desperately to placate this bully. This is really no way to live and you deserve so much better. You really haven't done anything wrong. He is using you as a whipping boy. And it's horrible. Please get your ducks in a row and leave this awful man

There is something going on, and it may not come to a head and end for some time.

What you need to do is prepare for that day, if it comes. You need to start setting money aside, incase you need to leave with your son and get a solicitor. Open a secret account and start saving into it. Get copies of everything financial and put it somewhere safe e.g. a relatives house. Keep a diary of the things he says and does so you can refer back to his behaviour later if needed.

Keep an eye on what he does. Look for patterns or things that show he has someone else on the go.

If things turn sour, you will have prepared for it. If it turns out OK, then still keep and pay into your secret stash. Every woman should have a secret account and pay into it just in case we get screwed over, which happens quite a lot!

I think it’s because women have always been trained to fix things in relationships. Men don’t think that way. They don’t have endless conversations about why their wife may be angry, depressed, absent etc. because they don’t see it as their jobs to sort us out.

Personally I don’t think it does us any favours as we spend way too long on these abusive men treating them as a project when we really should just leave.

There's no reason for him to behave that way OP

YES. So damn true ❤️

He might have another woman, he might not but you deserve better. She's welcome to him. You cannot live your life frightened in your own home. Ask him to leave.
Fwiw my mother's first husband was violent and she dumped him within the year. My father was lovely and they were married for forty years. Get out now whilst you're young. He sounds jealous of you. Bastard.

He’s avoiding sex (with you, anyway).
Hes guarded about his phone
He works shifts
He goes to the gym
Hes started being horrible to you.

I feel convinced he’s got someone else. He’s probably told her that he can’t leave your relationship because of your young child, and he’s building-up misplaced and horrible resentment which he’s directing towards you as the unfortunate outlet / symbol of his ‘trapped-ness.’

He sounds truly loathsome. I feel so bad for you. This cunt is not the man you thought you were getting. Please get good support around you, sure-up your finances, then get you and your son out. 💐

Has being married benefited him, in terms of him coming out with more, if you split? Were you always able to walk away, but marriage would make it more complicated? DV can start after a pregnancy or marriage. Going looking through his stuff could be dangerous. You have good enough reason to split and need to concentrate on that.

If it were me I'd set my alarm for 3am and look at his phone. That could help you understand the 'why'. But whatever the reason you know you can't carry on like this. You need at a minimum a separation. Maybe he's feeling stressed or depressed and is taking it out on you as he's constantly feeling angry. Maybe he's having an affair or on drugs or one of the other reasons people have suggested. Whatever the reason time and space will help. I think it's easy to just put up with it as you're a family and the path to change feels harder and more painful than just accepting it. But it won't be in the end, it will ramp up and ramp up until you suddenly realise years later your life has been hell.

I think you should get some counselling to really unpick all of this. Look up emotional abuse. See if he ticks boxes.

My strong advice is give him one chance to stop doing this and one chance only! I wasted so much time and financially I’m screwed despite being the main earner.

Divorce gets more and more complex. If you did it now your financial ties are done and what you earn in your new career and the pension are yours.

Really put your wise mind into this and don’t me - 50 years old. Was the main earner. Did more than him domestically. Put up with abuse for years thinking if I just did XYZ he’d change. Now I’m losing half my pension. Half of everything and my health is in tatters. Please don’t end up like me.

Who suggested getting married and why?

Though it’s sometimes described as ‘just a piece of paper’ it is in fact not JUST a piece of paper. He might be struggling with feelings around this and the formalised commitment and expectations of a husband that were formed earlier in his life and/or by society. He has no easy escape route now. A bit like people get new puppy regret or post natal depression when life is changed to something a bit harder, even though it’s by something objectively good that you definitely wanted.

You might be unconsciously acting slightly differently now you are married - who knows.

Not that I am blaming you, I’m definitely not.

In this case there be might need to be some open conversation about how being married makes things feel a bit different but it is now even more important to be kind to each other and communicate well.

Could be something else’s entirely-
maybe there is job insecurity looming and he hasn’t told you yet or health worries or yes someone else.

Haven’t read all comments, and I agree the reason is perhaps not the most important thing here but I am wondering about steroids, which might also explain sex avoidance as I believe they can cause erectile dysfunction and well as ‘temper issues’.

Sorry this is happening - you shouldn’t have to live like this, OP.

Maybe now you're married he feels like he's stuck with you now and hes not happy about that.

If he wont dicuss it out of your sons earshot, then you wont be able to discuss it with him. Just get your ducks in a row and leave and then divorce him. Then at some point you could move onto someone who actually wants you.

But you and your child cant continue like this. Do you still want to be spoken to like this in 5 years time?

It sounds like he feels trapped and if he's unreasonable enough you'll let him go.
You need to get to the bottom of it, and I'm afriad you need to face up to the idea it may be over.

FWIW my moneys on him being gay.

No interest in sex. Angry. Guards phone.

Maybe getting you pregnant and marrying was an attempt to either deny it to himself or cover against other people, like family, finding out? Now the dust has settled and this is life from here on he's pushing against it because it isn't at all what he actually wants.

Whatever the cause though it's a horrible way for you and your DS to be living.

Something has to change and if he won't you have to, by working on a way out. If confrontation is likely to lead to worse behaviour on his part then don't. But start forming an escape plan from here on in.

If you look back on your relationship, is this genuinely a very different person?

Does he have previous for talking down to you, criticising small things, talking badly about your friends and family?

I ask, because this sounds like domestic abuse and it's rare that it starts up suddenly.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but it's likely his behaviour will escalate. Please get your ducks in a row - fid your and your sons paperwork, get access to all money and cards, ensure you know all your utilities providers, mortgage or landlord details etc and make a plan to leave. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to?

Do you have a mutual friend you could talk to? Maybe they have noticed something.

I agree with pps - it really doesn't matter WHY he is behaving like this. The fact is that he is, and it's untenable. You need to leave (or he does).

They whys and wherefores can be looked into when you're safe, secure and happy, if you want to. They will probably become apparent anyway, once you are apart, but, again, it really doesn't matter. You need to separate.

I knew my ex was cheating when he suddenly changed over night from being affectionate, loving, kind, the nicest person I had ever met for over 17 years to telling me with aggression that I was 'cutting the cucumber wrong' when I was making sandwiches. I know that sounds mad but I just knew!

He had always supported me in life, made me feel amazing about myself, encouraged me in anything I wanted to do with my life and the cucumber incident was the complete opposite of 'him' that it stood out.

within days he stated with 'you have changed as a person' 'You forced me into this relationship' ' I have never been happy with you'

He left days later for an 18 year old he met at work.

If they change out of nowhere for no good reason then it means something.. He is making you out to be the bad person so he can leave.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is doing this because he can, he feels he is doing nothing wrong here in regards to you. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Never embark on any form of joint counselling with him as it’s not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Counselling for you on your own would be far more beneficial.

It will also not do your child any favours to see you as his mum being abused. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

This is narcissistic behaviour. You’re just seeing it now.

That's a manipulation tactic used on purpose to stop you talking about it! I can hear it now: "Oh look YOU'VE upset our son by bringing this up". Don't fall for this bullshit.

One tough conversation in front of your son won't affect him for the rest of his life. Having to tread on eggshells around his dad (even if he's all nice in front of your son now this will happen eventually) forever will.

This relationship is not going to get better OP and may very well get worse. Time to exit and do it now before your better job prospects materialise and whilst your marriage is still quite short.