New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Cherchez la femme

He regrets marrying
Angry at you and himself

My SIL went through the same, lived with her partner, father of their 2 daughters for 7 years and once they got married, he started emotionally abusing her, then it became complete control. Financial and sexual abuse followed. This went on for 12 years. The 2 girls, as adults, (were not physically abused, just aware of how their Dad was treating their Mum), are both psychologically damaged and can’t function properly. It stopped when the eldest reported him to her teacher and social service and the police got involved.
He went to prison for abusing a vulnerable adult (SIL is disabled).
You, like her, want to know why he’s behaving like this and maybe you want to change him, and think you can for the sake of your family BUT, you are getting nothing out of this marriage and you fear your son will get upset, so, please, get whatever help you can from friends, family, whoever, and get the hell away from him. Don’t ruin yours, or your son’s life by staying with someone who clearly does not respect or love you (or your son seemingly as he doesn’t care how he reacts in front of him). Take care x

That’s…… odd. That phone will have the answers.

Although that’s an answer in itself really. He’s dodgy.

This. In spades.

It doesn’t matter though. Other woman or not, the op doesn’t have to put up with this behaviour, and she shouldn’t put up with it.

The Dolly Parton song comes to mind. Put yourself first x

I thought "roid rage" when he's all gym and no sex.

This

what a terrible human being and awful role model for your little boy

Hi I had a similar experience when our kid turned 1 years old and we moved to his home town. I would say when you are both calm try and talk to him, and explain how you feel but do your best to phrase it as that you feel you cannot do anything right, that you try and he only highlights the negatives. Try to talk to him several times. If it does not work, I would book a therapy session and ask him to attend a partner therapy session. If he is still mean, move out and go and stay with your mum for a week or so. And explain that all his negative behaviour is grinding you down

this is how I explained it to my husband.
"I feel like you only talk to me to say something negative, this makes me feel sad, and I feel our relationship is in a bad place. I want a more positive relationship and a happy home life, and I need you to give me that. Is there something going on in your work life that is giving you stress. " etc. So I would recommend do not say he is being mean, just phrase is at something more neutral like negative, or criticising more than positive language. For me talking to ChatGPT really helped to frame my language in a way that he could understand. And yes I really did book a last minute trip to stay with my mum (in another country) because we argued too much. And for me yes that 1 week apart truly helped. And I made it clear I had had enough of him.

OP kindly, find your voice. Tell him if he can buy £100 trainers you can buy a poxy cocktail and to shut the fk up.

The bottom line is that he is treating you badly. The reason why is not the issue. You need to get out before he can do any more damage to you and your child.

It's already been mentioned but if he's a gym person then definitely consider 'roid rage. Especially as he's made some comments about wasting money and not having any money. Could be that he's spending money on steroids. Has his physique changed noticeably recently?

Gambling, debt, stress associated with it and taking out on you?

This.

It doesn’t matter whether he’s got another woman, is a misogynistic pig, feels trapped, is jealous, hates his job. The point is he’s being a bullying, unpleasant arsehole. Just imagine if you met him and he behaved like this on the first date, would you go for a second one? Of course not. He’s not going to change because ultimately he thinks he’s more important than you and he deserves respect and you don’t. Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy.

Because of his behaviour I’m a bit worried for you so I’d definitely get advice from Woman’s Aid. I think you have to extract yourself from this relationship as this is no way to live.

There are plenty of terrible life events that happen we have no control on. A nasty husband is not one of them.
A nasty husband becomes an ex husband.

being nasty
not interested in sex

when did he propose? how quickly did you marry after the proposal?

OP, you're better off without this douche! I agree that you need to tell him to stop talking to you like that, and better yet, cut the contact entirely!

Think really hard OP, has there ever been any of this kind of behaviour before, even small amounts that you may not have realised at the time? Did he involve himself in your wedding plans? For example did he look at seating plans/have an opinion on anything?

It may be that there has been behaviour like this previously but you've missed/dismissed it. It's entirely possible that he wanted out of the relationship prior to you marrying but was too cowardly to end it, so just went along with the marriage. Sadly, I know someone this happened too. It's possible he's completely hidden this side of his personality, and now you're married, his mask has slipped. It's possible there is another woman. Could there be money worries? He seems particularly resentful over finances.

All of the above are all possible. No one can tell you which it is. Regardless of the reason, none of his behaviour towards you, is your fault. He is choosing to behave like an abusive twat. Nothing going on in his life, excuses his behaviour or makes it OK.

Hmm could he be fed up of financially providing? Maybe he is cracking under the stress?

Either that or perhaps his head has been turned.

Whatever the reason, he is clearly feeling extremely angry and frustrated. I think, for your own personal safety (and your child's), you need to split up and live separately.

The broken oven door is really worrying, OP.

Sorry youre gling through this OP. I think being married has made him have a different view. Plus the stresses of having a young child. I don't think it always means there's another woman; he could just be depressed/anxious and taking it out on you. That was my experience with my ex-H, I slowly became the problem for every little thing. In this case he did have another woman and for what it's worth divorcing him has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But I have friends where the husband just had issues. Either was his behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE and you and your son dont need to suffer it.

Maybe getting married has in some way made him feel more secure in order to treat you badly . Was it a good relationship before the marriage? Sometimes aswell you spend so much time planning a wedding and being excited that afterwards it's a bit of a anti climax when reality strikes . Could the wedding planning have been papering over cracks and distractioninh you both from the reality of your feelings and relationship ? If their isn't anyone else perhaps he thought oh once where married I'll feel different and he's realising that he doesn't and feels trapped . Could be a number of things . Them again he could just be a abusive arsehole who now thinks that you have a ring on your finger and he can behave any way he pleases .

He's having an affair, or he's about to.
He's under extreme stress because of work or money related problems that he's hiding from you.
He's addicted to cocaine
He's suffering from the side effects of anabolic steroids (you said he's a gym goer.)

It's going to be one, if not more than one of those.

@Sillygirl1988 does it matter WHY he is acting like this?

He is CHOOSING TO do so. As you said, he is nice to your ds. I’m sure he usnt nasty like that at work or with his friends.
Nothing you do will ever make him change back to being a nice person if he doesn’t want to.

What you should be concentrating on is how he is treating you now.
You’ve tried talking to him and he blew up.
He is Gettimg more and more controlling and abusive. It’s not just that everything is wrong. It’s that he is dictating every single thing you do. And he is getting violent (remember the oven door incident? That’s violence)
At that point you’ve done your part to try and salvage your marriage and he hasn’t responded in kind.

Ask yourself.
Do you really want to carry on living walking on eggshells for years?
Do you want your ds to learn that this is how men behave and this is ok?

Dont spend months tying yourself in knots to ‘understand him’. You’re unlikely to ever do. You can’t ’save him’. You can’t change him.
But you can protect yourself and your ds.

Kindly, OP, why are you even searching for a reason?

Call Womens Aid - his behaviour is abusive and it does not matter what the "cause" is. If absolutely nothing you do is right, logically you cannot be the problem. No one is wrong 100% of the time, and no one should be being picked up on things as irrelevant as sink scrubbers and the price of one M&S cocktail.

If you really want to go down that route, my two pennies would be on jealousy at your educational and professional advancement, and fragile masculinity around earning potential. He has a burning desire to "put you back in your place".

To do this he will ignore/denigrate your achievements and your household contribution. He will sabotage the opportunities you are offered through his lack of support and potential obstruction (i.e. refusing to look after DS or working to a schedule that makes it impossible for you to be flexible). He will tell you that nothing you do is right so that deep down you start to believe that you are stupid and incapable, maybe even this stupid and incapable at work. He will hide his own earnings and ensure that family expenses come out of your salary to keep you on a short financial leash. And he is counting on your fear of arguing in front of DS to stop you naming what he is doing and walking out.

As for "why now?", he saw the wedding as you becoming even more "tied" to him, so less practically/emotionally/financially able to call him out/walk away. He no longer has to act like a good partner because, in his eyes, you're "stuck".

Please, take the advice of the hundreds of women who have been where you are and who know the signs: call Women's Aid today.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/

Edited for spelling mistakes.