How can I make this relationship manageable without abandoning an unwell partner

[Farfarfromhere]

I am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

We have been together since I was 18. I turned 28 yesterday. He is 5 years older.

Due to some severe mental health issues, he has not worked properly for around 2 years. I work over 70 hours a week, to support us both as we have a large mortgage. I also do the housework.

Our relationship is mostly good. We do fight, but this tends to be when he has a dip in his mental health.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

I am beginning to feel very unfulfilled in my life. We live in a big house, just the two of us, which is something he wanted (and was manageable with two wages). I have always been content with much less.

We have no children and are engaged. I suppose I have always assumed that we would get married and have children, but this is not going to be possible if his health does not improve.

I really struggle when he has these episodes, as I am left dealing with the stress of work (our own business), and not able to talk to anyone about it.

We don't talk about our feelings, and the only time we touch each other is during sex.

I feel like due to his illness he is reliant on me, and I can't leave him. Before he was unwell we had a more loving relationship.

I feel like we are roommates, or collegues. I dont honestly think he loves me, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I am 28, and I want a family and to live abroad for a bit, and I feel like my life is just coasting along. I don't really know what to do.

Before I met him I was really independant, I moved out very young. But now we have to eat tea at the same time every day, and most days have to climb into bed in the dark because I finish work late. It is all so rigid and there seems to be no freedom, I can't just take myself away on a weekend to meet a friend.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill, he has no one else.

I have planned and tried to leave 8 or 9 times but I can never go through with it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't think I will end the relationship, but I would appreciate ways to make my life manageble.

I appreciate that he can't hold down a paid job. Why can't he do housework though. What does he spend his time doing?

At 28 your life should be fantastic, not merely manageable. You have to leave and fulfil your dreams.

You are not beholden to be this man's carer for your entire adult life.

If you're having difficulty believing this, get therapy.

You can leave him. You can leave anyone for any reason.

Even if they are sick.

You absolutely can and should leave him, don't sacrifice your life for this.

And btw the only acceptable level of abuse is none. If it was due to his illness then he shouldn't be in a relationship.

His MH issues are not your burden to shoulder - why on earth would you sacrifice a lifetime of love, experiences and happiness to be stuck in a rut with someone who is dragging you down more each day....

Oh please leave him. You have one life. From your own words, he is relying you without loving and appreciating you. You have put him first for years. You are 28. Please put your own needs first now. This is a heartbreaking post. Please don’t stay.

This situation isn't curing him anyway. It's making you miserable and it's not lifting him out of his mess, nobody is benefiting here.

Just leave and be free, before you get too old to start a family.

You're wasting your life. No advice other than rip the plaster off and get him gone. And for god's sake don't have children with an abusive man. Inflict it on yourself if you must, but leave children out of it.

Sometimes he has good days and everything feels so positive. I think I am just depressed, and feel stupid for wanting to rip up a comfortable life.

It's not a comfortable life though. It sounds very uncomfortable.

Working 70 hours a week is not a comfortable life. Maybe start making changes, get a cleaner, look at down sizing to reduce outgoings?

A comfortable life includes having reasonable working hours.

A comfortable relationship is with a partner who pulls his weight financially and in terms of housework. A partner who you can chat whatever you like with (no eggshells). Lots of relaxed contact (hugs, arm squeezes, friendly eye contact). Genuinely good sex at a frequency that works for both.

A comfortable life most definitely does not include physical abuse, even if it's infrequent

Your aims are so small OP. Only "some" abuse and violence, when I suspect you know perfectly well that no abuse is acceptable. You can't change other people, only yourself, so the only way to carry on is to continue to make yourself smaller still.

But you deserve better.

Op please consider therapy to find out why your bar is so low for relationships. Every moment you waste with him is time you could be spent finding your husband . Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?

Or, a nice little flat, money's your own, time and space to travel, no abuse...

Not a huge expensive house you don't want, work you don't need and a life you didn't choose.

You are not married. No promises were made. Please please leave now. Why ruin two lives?

Sweetheart, this was my life for a long time. I kept hoping he would get better, his mental health would improve and wed have a happy normal life. I was 43 when I finally left. Don't be me. Don't keep hoping things they get better and waste years of your life x

You're excising not living and deserving of so much more...time for change, he's an adult and responsible for himself!

I fear you will turn around in perhaps 10 years from now and realise you have wasted most of your youth and your child bearing years on a selfish user who does not care about you. You will face the prospect of starting over from scratch with no chance to build a family. He will walk away with half of the effort of your 70hr weeks for 2 decades (house equity). Please, please avoid this fate. Walk away and find someone who deserves you.

You don’t want to be together. You’re not his meal ticket. It’s unfortunate but things have changed. I’d say you could help him apply for PIP. Sell / end the tenancy and have him present to the council if that’s what he needs if he’s stuck without money to rent. Move away, start again, enjoy your freedom.

Your early relationship doesn’t mean you’re tied to him forever

I think to start with you need to sell the house regardless of whether you stay with him. I’d start with - I can’t continue to work 70 hours a week to pay the mortgage we need to downsize. Once the house is sold it will be easier to leave him.

Where are his family and friends? Why is all this on you? It sounds as if it will be easier for you to leave if he has other people to lean on. As pps have said, please don’t waste your life like this.

Also ‘mental health problem’ covers a multitude of sins. Are we taking schizophrenia or something a bit more ill defined? Either way you have the right to leave. You are not obliged. You can still help him out if you must but without sacrificing your own life. No one will give you any advice about ‘making it more bearable’ because we would be irresponsible to condone this.

Please leave. You have a window now where you can go. It will be tough but you really really need to go as soon as you possibly can.

You are an age where all opportunities are still very open to you. That window will close. Open it and go before you are shut in.